Don't the let the title fool you; this may not be as insightful or deep as it sounds. But I will warn you, it may not be the most uplifting post. Our perspective is largely determined by our emotional state and mine hasn't been in the best place as of late. I think that some of the best art in all of it's different forms has come from great suffering as well as some of the greatest wisdom. I guess the same can be said of any heighten stay of emotion, but suffering would be the focus of my emotional state right now. How I feel is nothing new, in fact it's what my newest realization came from. On some level I think I already had realized it but my existence is defined by my pain and sorrow. It's been defined by it for quite a while. In part probably all of my life. Don't get me wrong, all in all I had a pretty good childhood compared to a lot of people. I got my ass smacked pretty hard from time to time but I was never beaten, and I never had to worry about food ,a roof over my head, or clothes. Mentally my parents messed me up pretty good but I could have had a lot worse. I guess in a way it doesn't matter what did or didn't happen to me. The result was I felt worthless and empty. Still to this day I feel inside of me what I can only describe as a void. Anyhow I'm getting off my point. Maybe the idea of defining my existence by something isn't the best way to explain it but most if not everything in my life is driven by my pain. How I interact with people revolves around not wanting others to experience the suffering I have. The things I do for pleasure are just road blocks to keep the agony at bay that rips at me from the inside. Joy is my morphine. It helps me forget about the pain and gives my hope for the future. If I can find moments of joy then death holds no value. It makes my mad when people say that those who commit suicide are weak. They are stronger then any of those people will know. Not for committing suicide but for all that they endured up to that point. I don't think death is a answer but I make no judgements about those who choose it. Those who do make judgements know nothing of their suffering and even though they piss me off I hope that they never do. When all you feel is pain and all joy has been choked from your life why would you want to keep living. Any release, even death, is a welcomed one. Like I said, I don't think death is the answer, it just seems like the only answer unless someone is there to give them another one. Well actually we have to find our own answers. No one came give them to us, but they can help us see that there are more then just one and maybe even point us in the right direction. Again I've gotten off track but I guess that's nothing new. Not sure how I made the leap from joy being morphine to people's judgements about suicide. My mind jumps from one thing to the next so quickly that by the time I can type it out there ends up being a large disconnect.
Back to what I was saying. Imagine a pain like when you broke a bone or had to have your wisdom teeth pulled (by the way, why the hell are they called wisdom teeth. What is so wise about teeth that shouldn't be there.); then imagine feeling that pain your whole life. Now imagine the relief from a pain killer like morphine or some other form of intoxication, but to get it you have to push through the pain to make the effort to find this form of relief. This is a lot like what my life is like. A lot of you might relate to this (that is if anyone is even reading this) and a lot of you may think I'm greatly over exaggerating. If you do think I'm exaggerating I don't think you realize the depth of suffering a human can incur. What ever you think the point is I spend my life searching for these moments of relief. It's like trying to get my fix to keep all the pain at bay. I can be exhausting but it beats the hell out being dead.
There was so many other things that had come to mind on this subject but again the speed of my thoughts is light years ahead of the speed of my fingers. Plus the time it takes to organize my thoughts into a manner that is understandable to others can be lengthy all unto it's self. Add that to the fact that it's 3 in the morning and I think I'm done for now. I keep thinking that this is a odd place to be posting my thoughts but I don't really have anywhere else to post them and like so many other people out there I have this desire to put them out where someone can see them. If anyone does read this feel free to add your own thoughts. But do be kind, I brake easily.