Ugh. 
My list of things to do today:
cancel and re-set appointment for bf
clean bathroom
dust house
wash windows
wash clothes
organise cupboard
drop in a resume to the two cafes around the corner
pay credit card and phone bills
buy pasta sauce
practice piano
stretch or run
do nails
What I suspect I will end up doing today:
cancel and re-set appointment for bf (already done)
...
I only got about 5 hours sleep last night and I've woken up just useless.
Zero energy, zero confidence, and that awful feeling of having no good future or potential or anything left to draw on has hit me full force. Again I wonder if I am actually still in hospital bleeding out and going through some sort of twilight before fading away. 
It's that feeling of the life draining out of me and being so weak and faint and not quite alive... I'm cuddling my bear and having a bit of a cry... overwhelming.
I think I'm going to let go of all these things I had to do today and just concentrate on finding ways to enjoy the now rather than take on all this responsibility (most of my list of to-do things seems to be about making my environment better and setting things up to have a better future - lose weight, get a job etc). I'm going to start with some Americas Next Top Model and then see how I feel - maybe after some happy now time I'll feel more energetic about doing something I *should* do. Maybe not, but right not I just need to not feel like this. Everything feels like a massive struggle and like it requires superhuman effort. I can get through that some days but not today. I feel like such a different person to yesterday when I was able to get moving and get stuff done. What's wrong with me? Maybe too much focus on responsibility combined with not enough sleep. Definitely taking the increased antidepressant dose now. Obviously still not right. I kind of want to see my friend Matt, but he's working, like most decent people do during the day. Maybe bf will come home later and let me snuggle up on his chest and have a nap with me.
My list of things to do today:
cancel and re-set appointment for bf
clean bathroom
dust house
wash windows
wash clothes
organise cupboard
drop in a resume to the two cafes around the corner
pay credit card and phone bills
buy pasta sauce
practice piano
stretch or run
do nails
What I suspect I will end up doing today:
cancel and re-set appointment for bf (already done)
...
I only got about 5 hours sleep last night and I've woken up just useless.
Zero energy, zero confidence, and that awful feeling of having no good future or potential or anything left to draw on has hit me full force. Again I wonder if I am actually still in hospital bleeding out and going through some sort of twilight before fading away. It's that feeling of the life draining out of me and being so weak and faint and not quite alive... I'm cuddling my bear and having a bit of a cry... overwhelming.
I think I'm going to let go of all these things I had to do today and just concentrate on finding ways to enjoy the now rather than take on all this responsibility (most of my list of to-do things seems to be about making my environment better and setting things up to have a better future - lose weight, get a job etc). I'm going to start with some Americas Next Top Model and then see how I feel - maybe after some happy now time I'll feel more energetic about doing something I *should* do. Maybe not, but right not I just need to not feel like this. Everything feels like a massive struggle and like it requires superhuman effort. I can get through that some days but not today. I feel like such a different person to yesterday when I was able to get moving and get stuff done. What's wrong with me? Maybe too much focus on responsibility combined with not enough sleep. Definitely taking the increased antidepressant dose now. Obviously still not right. I kind of want to see my friend Matt, but he's working, like most decent people do during the day.
Maybe bf will come home later and let me snuggle up on his chest and have a nap with me.
jcliff:
Give the increased dose a little time to reach a therapeutic level. Your blogs convey an amazingly thoughtful and empathetic person's thoughts. Hang in there.
knives2meatyou:
There's nothing on your list that can't wait another day. I realize that telling someone who's feeling depressed that you think they're pretty special does little to give her (as in, you) any energy and really, how much input could someone have who knows you not at all, but sometimes one can glean from what someone says online, when they are often their most candid and vulnerable, that there is a good person in there that struggles at times to recognize how good she is. Maybe another day, another day's opportunity for your medication to work at its new level, a good night's sleep and some major cuddling will get you back on track. As JCliff said, hang in there. Tomorrow will be better, you'll see.