Well my ankle is all better and I'm ready to run again, but now I have this cold so... 
I had the strongest panic attack in bed last night - occasionally I get it into my head that I am on "the last stretch" - that I haven't got long to go in this world. I think I've actually overstayed my visit already - I almost slipped away earlier this year but thinking about my man and what he'd do without me made me fight and stay, which was probably the toughest thing I've ever done. Life since then has been surreal to me - I can't see beyond today, I feel like I have no future, I'm really living for him, and I've questioned a few times whether I actually stayed or whether all this is some made up afterlife I conjured up and whether I just need to accept and let go to move on. There's no way I wouldn't have just drifted off into the ether if I didn't have him to look after. But images of him by himself flashed by as I started to fade out... and I struggled to stay. Soft as a cloud, strong as a tiger, soft as a cloud, strong as a tiger... did I really stay?
I know these are crazy thoughts. But how can you nearly bleed to death and not go a little crazy?
Last night wrapped around him I was thinking - what if I go first? I wont go voluntarily, but what if I had no choice? What would he do? Who would love him? Thinking of him alone has become my biggest fear... and it keeps me going, even when I'm not much interested in anything else.
I jumped onto OKCupid and made a profile to see if I could meet any girls who might be open to threesomes - I don't expect to meet anyone who will want a polygamous relationship with us both, I just want to make him see that other girls would want him too - I think he thinks I'm the only one who would look at him, which is all in his head. And that's what frightens me about dying before him - I think he'd shut himself off from being loved, put up barriers he doesn't even understand he creates, and I can't think of anyone who needs love more.
I never thought before this that I would want anything but a monogamous relationship, but I've never loved someone so much that I just want to make sure they are loved, no matter who's doing the loving.
I had the strongest panic attack in bed last night - occasionally I get it into my head that I am on "the last stretch" - that I haven't got long to go in this world. I think I've actually overstayed my visit already - I almost slipped away earlier this year but thinking about my man and what he'd do without me made me fight and stay, which was probably the toughest thing I've ever done. Life since then has been surreal to me - I can't see beyond today, I feel like I have no future, I'm really living for him, and I've questioned a few times whether I actually stayed or whether all this is some made up afterlife I conjured up and whether I just need to accept and let go to move on. There's no way I wouldn't have just drifted off into the ether if I didn't have him to look after. But images of him by himself flashed by as I started to fade out... and I struggled to stay. Soft as a cloud, strong as a tiger, soft as a cloud, strong as a tiger... did I really stay?
I know these are crazy thoughts. But how can you nearly bleed to death and not go a little crazy?
Last night wrapped around him I was thinking - what if I go first? I wont go voluntarily, but what if I had no choice? What would he do? Who would love him? Thinking of him alone has become my biggest fear... and it keeps me going, even when I'm not much interested in anything else.
I jumped onto OKCupid and made a profile to see if I could meet any girls who might be open to threesomes - I don't expect to meet anyone who will want a polygamous relationship with us both, I just want to make him see that other girls would want him too - I think he thinks I'm the only one who would look at him, which is all in his head. And that's what frightens me about dying before him - I think he'd shut himself off from being loved, put up barriers he doesn't even understand he creates, and I can't think of anyone who needs love more.
I never thought before this that I would want anything but a monogamous relationship, but I've never loved someone so much that I just want to make sure they are loved, no matter who's doing the loving.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
jayenh:
Threesomes aren't usually about love or caring. They're about fun and satisfying needs. Matchmaking for your guy is something different. I've seen one or two people who I think are reasonably sane find thirds for their partners, but I have never felt that it was to find another object of affection as much as it was to satisfy a mutual desire.
erock06:
I agree with Jay.