chago

The mood has worked its way back into my body. It has seeped in like the sweet booze has over the last few weeks.
What have I been thinking? The atmosphere and conditions were at their best. Booze, late nights, drugs, an interesting woman or three, friends without care for their bodies, blackouts, cigarettes without filters, and the loss of regard to morals and responsibilities. The back drop to any great work of literature.
I was without muse, without thought, even though the thirst for writing was prevalent. It wasn't until a moment after a re-energizing mid-day nap did I realize I should be making not of the experiences and the thoughts of debauchery.
I woke up the other morning in a state of confusion. I did not trust my eyes nor did I trust my memory. The mind still had a gray film over it, masking bad decisions from hours prior. Sometimes its more work to sleep than it is to just stay up and beat yourself like the stupid frat boy with a bottle of Viagra in a room full grape fruit. Tempting, but never a good idea.
I have been gambling with daily life by partaking in two day benders, and using an only a few days to get back on track. Once back to the normal daily grind, I fall into vigorous planning of my next selfish abuse of my own system. I have been attacking myself, not allowing myself to feel right.
But that has been the biggest problem, not feeling completely right DOES feel completely right. Maybe it is direct cause of not living for years. Searching for the path I have been neglecting to look down and see it. Maybe I have found the right people, but they are fleeting. What would I do once they set sail for their next adventure and I am left here in this metropolitan village? I believe I must take it upon myself to keeping looking down at the path of sin and not be afraid of taking a stroll. Its not totally a sin if its hitting the mark. It would be a sin to miss the boat and not full-fill my emptiness. I must devour the opportunity.
I have dished out advice compadres to "live life...do what you want," but I forgot to look in the mirror. I must ride the wave of life and hope I can reach the crest before the wave breaks and washes me away, battered from the rocks below. I must not sabotage my efforts for finding the American Dream! I must throw caution and guilt to the side and hit the road of uncertainty and promise. This affair will be an interesting series of events no doubt. I must ignore my weaknesses and lean towards the ideals that my fellow journeymen. I can hope to maintain contact for directions and support. Kill the fear; enter the murky waters of the lake of spontaneous deeds.
I was in danger of falling into the norm and joining the line of monotonous living. Wake, work, eat, nap, work, eat, sleep, and repeat. Where is the life in that? Where is the sense of adventure? Where is the golden prize that lies just out of reach?
I have been awakened by the Captain's words to write, the carefree nature of the traveler, the excitement of the visitor, the possibilities of the old attraction, and the potential of the self. The ID...the ego, must be realest and let go to rumble out of control. The bases have been loaded and until recently I have been going up to the plate without a bat. No more I tell you my good people, no more. It could get ugly in a hurry, but it would be ugly to ignore the taste of living and the fuzziness of the effort.
I must create that savage plan and work to stay on track...ride the rails of the near future and let the long term events just emerge on their own. I must end the ramble and take motion and kick start the expedition...make the pilgrimage to the promise land.
The Doctor once said, "The edgethere is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
I must not fear going over the edge. Don't stop to peek, just run full speed until I go over and be free with the fall. I can not find the solution to the problem/question if it is inside the ID. I must not be accept being the problem and use it to my advantage.