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Good Evening SGLand...long entry ahead.
I'm having a case of wanderlust today..it's been going on for about a week. Don Henley said it best.

It's just another day in paradise
As you stumble to your bed
You'd give anything to silence
Those voices ringing in your head

I'm starting to hate my life here again. Depression is creeping back in..that good old ghost inside my head. I wonder how much longer I've got to fight that fucking monster. I hate my parents most of all right now (god does that ever sound like teenage angst to the extreme, but if you knew these people you'd hate them too, trust me.) I'm nervous about my Dad's family coming big time. I thought about it a lot today, and I remembered something..Once, a long time ago when I was feeling suicidal, my dad said to me "if you died, I wouldn't know what to live my life for without you. I'd never leave you." A few years later, that same son of a bitch abandons me, no money for school, gives me two days notice, no money for car payments and insurance he had agreed to pay previously, says he's moving to India permanently and he never wants to see me again. It wasn't even the money thing that pissed me off, it was that this man who left me more than once already was doing it AGAIN and this time..this time, I had let myself believe that he wouldn't ever do it again.

You thought you could find happiness
Just over that green hill
You thought you would be satisfied
But you never will-
Learn to be still

But then he came back here. And he told me he got remarried and I have two siblings and a stepmom. I guess his first family didn't work out well enough, so he wanted to try again. I guess he just forgot that he was still my only family, even though I'm not his only family. Ah the pain of an only child.

We are like sheep without a shepherd
We don't know how to be alone
So we wander 'round this desert
And wind up following the wrong gods home

Feeling restless these days.....
Ever get that feeling where you've taken everything from the place or location you're in, and you're done with it? I haven't travelled at all, but I feel like I'm done with here. I need to move, need to feel the air hit my face in a different way. Sometimes I think that I might miss the people around me..my friends, even some of my family..I dunno.

But the flock cries out for another
And they keep answering that bell
And one more starry-eyed messiah
Meets a violent farewell-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

I'm not dependant on my friends. I love them all for my own reasons, because they are all unique people who have been my family when my family was falling apart, but I've noticed this year that most of us have drifted apart quite a bit. It's sad really, but with everyone ending up all over the country and world going to school, what do you expect?
There are many things I'd miss about here. I've lived my entire life here. Never been anywhere else, lived in the same home for 10 years (don't live there anymore) and can't imagine being someplace else. I love the rain here, the way that it rains for days..when I lived in Calgary I went into rain and moisture withdrawall. I hated it.

Now the flowers in your garden
They don't smell so sweet
Maybe you've forgotten
The heaven lying at your feet

I guess I've just got a lot of thoughts whirling around in my head. Come Thursday night, where am I going to be sleeping? No room here for me, not welcome at my mom's place. Where do I go?

There are so many contradictions
In all these messages we send
(We keep asking)
How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?

But..we all go through these things. And we always figure them out, don't we?

Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin'
It's waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

Pick up and go....man, it's a good thought these days.
1) Have you ever run away from home? As a kid I mean?
2) Have your parents ever kicked you out?
3) Are your parents divorced? Are you divorced

You just keep on runnin'
Keep on runnin'