Update under the spoiler
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
so like it says above, this is an update to my day. i told him off, which made me feel immensely better. than i had my shoot, and surprisingly it was quite easy to smile and i don't think any of the sad showed trough. i am so excited, the photographer i worked with was so much and and made me feel comfortable and made me laugh a lot. the shoot was actually fairly short, since we worked so well together. i have a rough guesstimate of a couple days till i start seeing edited versions, with the photo shopping done and everything. so hopefully it won't be too terribly long for all you wonderful people to see me naked and enjoying my new life.
i have to say though, he is being an immature selfish dick, but what was i to expect, right?
First i wanna say thank you to all the people that stopped by and said nice thing in my last blog. it really helped and cheered me up, at least a little. i never expected that anyone to care, let alone that many people. I cleaned most of my stuff out of his place yesterday, and have a wonderful couple that took me in and are f\giving me a place to stay. i'm actually pretty overwhelmed right now because i had another offer of room and board, free of charge, from a girl i wasn't too close with, but we are friends. it's nice to feel like people care. i guess after two and a half years more or less, of feeling worthless, like a burden, and that i had to go out of my way to get him to show me love, its surprising that anyone would do it so readily and easily.
i'm also happy to say i have a whole new set of family i didn't know cared as much as they did. granted it's his family, his mom step-dad, half sister and her husband and his grandma and grandpa, but they told me they aren't going to give me up for anything, and it's a really nice feeling.
well on another topic, i had a shoot planned for today for about a month now, and 'm not going to let the past week ruin that for me. so i hope none of what's going on will show through in my pictures. i'm gonna try and be extra happy in them to show all you wonderful people how much everything meant to me. 
*spoilered because i'm having a let it all out moment and don't wanna force u lovely people to read my rant*
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
sorry back to the original topic. i know it may seem fast (and trust me i still break down sobbing) but i decided i'm going to look at this situation not from a victims standpoint (which i was), but am going to view it as a good thing, because i know i would never have left on my own, for anything shy of cheating on me or hitting me. looking back i should've left a long time ago. i was just so determined to make things work with the man i loved. and i still do love him. it wasn't all bad. he showed me what love actually is, showed me that i CAN work on things and get better, got me to open up and let the walls of my heart down, let me talk to him about really horrible things i needed desperately to talk to someone about. he also gave me my first (and many to follow) orgasm through actual intercourse (which isn't all important, but was amazing)
but i think the bad outweighs the good. he was constantly lying to me, pushed me to break/go past where i was comfortable going (sexually, and in terms of selling pornographic pictures of myself on a website, because i had no job, so it was basically required that i do it.) i am aware that he didn't "force" me to do any of this, but i wanted to make him happy and felt like i had to. i also have a terrible complex about my weight/body now. as he told me he was less attracted to me because of my weight (which hadn't gone up since we started dating).
i have been trying really hard to improve myself and my self esteem, but it's hard to do anything like that when as soon as you build yourself back up, someone tears it all down, and utterly destroys you. i have completely crippling abandonment issues, and he would threaten to leave me almost every time we'd get in a fight, or let me he didn't think he wanted me anymore, and as soon as it was over, he'd take it all back and comfort me and tell me how much he loved me.
it sucked so bad.
but now it's over and even though i'm crushed, and yesterday i would've ran back to him, i'm trying to look forward. i'm going to talk to him today, after my shoot, and get things settled, and money issues dealt with, and tell him exactly how i feel, and than i don't wanna see him again.
anyway please wish me luck on my shoot today, since it's at the place he's staying (it totally sucks 
but i have nowhere else to do it)
and i just wanted to finish off saying, sorry for the rant, but i needed to get it out. i hope everyone understands, and no need to read it, it was just therapeutic for me
