cedar

do you ever get stuck with an image from the past, playing in your head over and over again? like a broken and unresolved record. one that sits there and begs for answers. one that i don't think i'll get over for a while. i'm not heart broken. just confused.....

i was dating this guy for a year. we were practically living together. other than getting my mail there, all ideas of cohabitation were the same. we ate together. we went out together. we slept in the same bed every night. he lived with his parents, and i lived in his room. did the laundry. cooked brownies and muffins for his friends and family. became part of them. and i loved it. it was glorious. i felt safe. and i felt at home. my family wasn't ever one i could really fit into. one i never really felt at home with. but for some reason, i felt like i belonged there. we had pet fish. he had a cat that loved me like i was her mother. his parents would buy me claritin so i could survive in the house, and not die of cat allergies. they even bought me my own cerial. i had all my shows tivo-ed on their tv in the family room. his father would help me study for my poly-sci class, and make me coffee in the morning when i had an early class.

one day, on my way home from a long ass day at work, i got a call from the boyfriend. he couldn't really speak. just kind of muffled sounds and wetness into the phone. he was crying, and told me that we were breaking up. he had planned on doing it for a while, but was going to give me two weeks to move out, and find a job somewhere, and get everything situated. but that day when he had come home, his father informed him that i had been banned from the house. i was a bad influence, or something. his family was going to hold an intervention that weekend. his sister driving up from the oc, and his mother driving down from palm springs. apparently they all had a problem with me, and our relationship. an intervention against me.....they were "willing to do anything to seperate us".....

i was not allowed to return to the house, which i had keys to, to collect my belongings. my fucking life was trapped in that house. i had no boyfriend. no surrogate family. no clean underwear......
so, they boxed up my stuff for me. i made a list of everything i owned, and read it to him over the phone. all my clothes. my bed. my fish. pictures. cards. computer files. all were delivered to my grandparent's house in boxes.

almost every night since then, i've had a dream about them. nightmares about him breaking up with me, over and over again. dreams where i finally go into the house and confront his parents. asking "why?!", and getting forgiven. i've never recieved more of an explination for the whole thing than what you've just read. and i've not been back to that house since the morning i left for work. and i still wonder what the hell could have changed in 24 hours, to make such a strange thing happen. everyone who was close to me ended up with a massive headache trying to figure it out. i don't do drugs. i don't smoke pot. i barely drink. i was going to college, and working at the same time. i kept the room clean, and cared for him and his family more than if they were my own blood. because honestly, blood doesn't really mean much to me. but they did. more than i can say. i've felt expelled and confused since then. and i don't think i'll ever get an answer as to what happened.

but for thoes of you who think i've changed recently, for thoes of you who think i'm a different person than i was when we 'used to be friends'......you're right. but this is why. take it or leave it. at this point i really don't care.
but this is who i am now. not bitter, just super hesitant. and i'm not sure i'll ever go back to being the girl i was. or if i would want to. when i love, i give everything. and i deserved to get loved back. whole, and deeply.
and i'm not looking for pity. i just figured now was a good a time as ever to let you know what really happened to little miss cedar, and her happy happy smile.

and if you happen to know any of these people.....why don't you stop by and ask them what happened? and tell them how much i loved them, and how much i miss them. cause some answers and a hug would be really nice right about now........&hearts