I once considered myself a pretty good writer. Lately, Ive been periodically going back and reading some of my past journal entries and its as if I am reading the words of someone else. Typically, when my life is plagued with upheaval and pain, writing is my escape to get through it. Words create my path into the future and hopefully clarity. However, the past several months my bedside journal has remained closed; my pen never leaving the drawer. I feel paralyzed, creatively, professionally and emotionally. I fear happiness. I fear the decisions I make on a daily basis. I fear what tomorrow holds. Until I get out from under this cloud of self-doubt my tomorrow will be the same as today. I've lost the ability to see within myself and realize all I have to offer. Guilt is my partner. The hurtful words spoken to me my constant companion. Caught between wanting to forgive but unable to forget. The past is hurtful and dwelling there is destructive. But I havent found the strength or understanding to move forward.
Women whose lives, as I see them, appear empty surround me. Smiles that hide unhappiness, lives filled with mini vans and dry cleaning. There is no light behind the eyes of these women. There is no spark in the way they smile or speak. Conversations revolve around children and school events. It is as if they have all lost their sense of self. I find it frightening to witness. Perhaps they dont even realize. Perhaps I am too judgmental. I find myself so caught in the middle I dont know where I fit. Yesterday afternoon I spent some time talking to a couple of the neighbor ladies. I quietly sat through a story about this womans opinion on a heavily pierced girl she came across and how she wanted to shield the eyes of her 2 year old. Perhaps that was my cue to flash her my pierced nips? Ive never felt so lost. I am a woman without her place. A woman constantly searching but not trusting herself when she finds or has something worth holding on to. A woman unable to be happy.
Take my hand and walk down the warm weathered wood
Jump with both feet into the cold sand
Sending chills up our spines
And race me to the water's edge
Women whose lives, as I see them, appear empty surround me. Smiles that hide unhappiness, lives filled with mini vans and dry cleaning. There is no light behind the eyes of these women. There is no spark in the way they smile or speak. Conversations revolve around children and school events. It is as if they have all lost their sense of self. I find it frightening to witness. Perhaps they dont even realize. Perhaps I am too judgmental. I find myself so caught in the middle I dont know where I fit. Yesterday afternoon I spent some time talking to a couple of the neighbor ladies. I quietly sat through a story about this womans opinion on a heavily pierced girl she came across and how she wanted to shield the eyes of her 2 year old. Perhaps that was my cue to flash her my pierced nips? Ive never felt so lost. I am a woman without her place. A woman constantly searching but not trusting herself when she finds or has something worth holding on to. A woman unable to be happy.
Take my hand and walk down the warm weathered wood
Jump with both feet into the cold sand
Sending chills up our spines
And race me to the water's edge
VIEW 25 of 25 COMMENTS
Yanno, never mind cause that doesn't matter. My philosophy has quickly evolved into "respect others, but have fun, be a kid" ... most "grown ups" i know have forgotten how to have fun. Go to the top of that grassy hill and roll down it. Run along the beach casting care to the wind. We can't run from reality, but we can certainly take a break from it. I don't mean we should all become irresponsible baffoons, but you just need to remember it's okay to play. Try to enjoy yourself in whatever it is you are doing RIGHT NOW ... make a game out of it possible. What you are doing may suck, but make it ias enjoyable as possible until you find that grassy hill, then take a break and blow off steam.
As far as your place in all this? Try not to worry about it too much. Still look for it (because it is there, but you may find it's not just one place). Don't lose yourself trying to find it ... be a kid, explore, and before you know it, there you are.
Of course, that's just my thoughts. It seems to work for me, but I'm relatively new at it. I'd love to hear a second opinioin (from anyone reading this comment even).
I think tomorrow I'm gonna start a nerf war in the house (in chicago today).
Mind you I don't think you COULD be one of those old ladies you mentioned (age doesn't matter ... they're OLD
[Edited on Apr 08, 2005 11:23AM]