Alrighty, i'm going to step on my ego and tell you what the fuck happened to me today. I got home around 5am this morning from a friend's bday party which may contribute to my fatigue and therefore sensitive ego but never the less. Later on in the day when I woke up my mom wanted to do something so we decided to go for a walk down to the river near my parent's place. It was a fucking hot and humid day so I decided to ignore my self-consciousness and wear shorts (which is a rare thing indeed for me). So there I was in my black camisole and black shorts which I actually thought gave me a pretty cool shape, being it was all in black.
Well walking back from the river we crossed a flock of teenage boys on bikes which to my surprise and shock hollared very hurtfull comments about my "size". Now I am by far the last person in the world to think i'm not that bad, but seriously fuck, i'm not THAT bad. I'm not a twig, but to earn comments like that seriously made me feel like I was a walking lump of lard or that I was a 400lbs morbidly obese person. I mean even if I were I would still not deserve the kinds of names they shoulted, but still.
My mom (who is rail thin because of her own weight issues in the past) turned to me and rubed my back telling me they were stupid and immature and being really sweet about it. With my ego having just been torn out of me and being dragged behind those boys bikes I shruged it off telling her they were jerks. Thankfully I was wearing nice big sunglasses to hide my eyes welling up full of tears.
You know I was thinking on my way home, if those kids would of sticed me with a knife as they passed by and rode off on their bikes I could press charges because that kind of misconduct is illegal in our society. But the pain that words do is not deserving of legal punishment. Why?
I know little boys are dumb, and yada yada yada. But it's the little things like that, that get under your skin and stay in your head a lot longer than the wink you got from the cute guy in the car the day before. You forget the good shit and remember the bad, and when you feel your stomach rumbling because you've only had 2 coffees and a bagel eight hours ago you remember the comments and decide to drink water instead. Because those boys represent the mass population's opinion of you whether you like it or not, it's how most people see you. It's how you will be judged by people before you even open your mouth to speak or make a gesture with your hands. We live in a painfully critical world, and unless you fit in, you will spend the rest of your life changing yourself or making excuses for the reason you are the way you are.
I know I go against many things I've said in my journals, my comments in PSW, and many of my own thoughts, but I am no fucking happy being fat. I have never been, and as much as my hard headed attitude wants me to yell fuck the system with a drumstick in hand I just can't do it anymore. I'm not letting anyone win, and i'm not loosing, I'm just reaffirming that this time I won't fucking quit. Because I'm sick and tired of it all.
It's honestly enough, having to shop at stores that exploit the fact that you don't wear a size 6 and charge you twice as much for a pair of jeans or a tshirt. I'm sick of people telling me that I have a pretty face and would be so amazing if I lost a few pounds. I'm tired of responding negatively to a guy who looks my way, automatically assuming he's thinking negative thoughts about me. I'm tired of wondering if the reason he never called back was because of my shape/size/weight.
Whatever, sorry for the rant and I'm so completely not shopping for compliments, or sympathy, I just had to get this off my chest. I will be fucking thin, I swear I will.
Well walking back from the river we crossed a flock of teenage boys on bikes which to my surprise and shock hollared very hurtfull comments about my "size". Now I am by far the last person in the world to think i'm not that bad, but seriously fuck, i'm not THAT bad. I'm not a twig, but to earn comments like that seriously made me feel like I was a walking lump of lard or that I was a 400lbs morbidly obese person. I mean even if I were I would still not deserve the kinds of names they shoulted, but still.
My mom (who is rail thin because of her own weight issues in the past) turned to me and rubed my back telling me they were stupid and immature and being really sweet about it. With my ego having just been torn out of me and being dragged behind those boys bikes I shruged it off telling her they were jerks. Thankfully I was wearing nice big sunglasses to hide my eyes welling up full of tears.
You know I was thinking on my way home, if those kids would of sticed me with a knife as they passed by and rode off on their bikes I could press charges because that kind of misconduct is illegal in our society. But the pain that words do is not deserving of legal punishment. Why?
I know little boys are dumb, and yada yada yada. But it's the little things like that, that get under your skin and stay in your head a lot longer than the wink you got from the cute guy in the car the day before. You forget the good shit and remember the bad, and when you feel your stomach rumbling because you've only had 2 coffees and a bagel eight hours ago you remember the comments and decide to drink water instead. Because those boys represent the mass population's opinion of you whether you like it or not, it's how most people see you. It's how you will be judged by people before you even open your mouth to speak or make a gesture with your hands. We live in a painfully critical world, and unless you fit in, you will spend the rest of your life changing yourself or making excuses for the reason you are the way you are.
I know I go against many things I've said in my journals, my comments in PSW, and many of my own thoughts, but I am no fucking happy being fat. I have never been, and as much as my hard headed attitude wants me to yell fuck the system with a drumstick in hand I just can't do it anymore. I'm not letting anyone win, and i'm not loosing, I'm just reaffirming that this time I won't fucking quit. Because I'm sick and tired of it all.
It's honestly enough, having to shop at stores that exploit the fact that you don't wear a size 6 and charge you twice as much for a pair of jeans or a tshirt. I'm sick of people telling me that I have a pretty face and would be so amazing if I lost a few pounds. I'm tired of responding negatively to a guy who looks my way, automatically assuming he's thinking negative thoughts about me. I'm tired of wondering if the reason he never called back was because of my shape/size/weight.
Whatever, sorry for the rant and I'm so completely not shopping for compliments, or sympathy, I just had to get this off my chest. I will be fucking thin, I swear I will.
VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
You are so adorably cute... what those little boys failed to realize is that in a few years, they'd be drolling for you, and their the type of assholes who won't get the time of day from you... fuckerz.
Anyway, I know what you mean about the bad comments sticking with you... it sucks that you'll remember those hurtful words for so long, but if someone had told you how beutiful you looked, that would fade. It's really a shame, because you are so astonishingly pretty.
but Bermuda would be nice
especally with you and a bottle of expensive sparkling wine
[Edited on Jul 05, 2004 11:53PM]