Another journal entry for Cathedra empty, alone, and awake @ 2:30am.
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Yes I just got home from seeing the guy. Why am I awake? Well it's possible that there are so many things going on in my head right now that I don't know how to put them all to rest. He was supposed to come here to watch a movie as you all know.
He had a busy day, this is true. He calls me @ 10pm and says he's really really tired and wants me to choose one of the following options:
a) I go over to his place (errr yeah parents included)
b) If I insist on him coming here he will (but sounds to really dislike this idea)
c) Put it off for another time (yep those were his words)
Well...just the fact alone that "C" was even part of the options I wasn't feeling too peachy keen. So I let him decide and he said he wanted to see me (*cough* *cough* I could only imagine what part of me he wanted to "see") and so being the psycho-pathetic I am, I hopped into my little car and drove off to his place. I should mention that I got my fucking legs waxed on my lunch hour, went to tanning after work, came home and rushed around the flat like a tornado cleaning my flat to an immaculate state only to end up in his little bedroom, humping on his futon bed with his parents in the next room. WTF? Is he like 19 or is it me who is too old for my age??
I get there and obviously he suggests we watch the DVD I rented in his room. Within 5 minutes of starting the movie he's talking his pants off and is "cuddling" me. Asks for a shoulder massage. I say ok lay on your stomach facing the TV he's like "no do it from there". Now I'm lying on my side with on hand free and im already cramping my neck to see the TV, this isn't going well so far. But we play with each other's muscles, and end up going at it. I pretend to fall asleep after to see what he's gonna do, but he just falls asleep on his back, shuts up the tv leaving us in total uncomfortable darkness on his futon bed. I try to sleep, but keep tossing and turning. I decide to leave, and as I'm driving home, I feel more empty than when I left for his place.
I think I'm going to block him in my mind starting tomorrow morning. I'm not going to email or call him, and I'm not going to wait. This is pathetic...why am I cleaning my apartment, buying fucking footrests, waxing my legs on my lunch break for someone who doesn't even sit up to kiss me goodbye as I leave. He reached out and grabbed my hand, I pretended not to know what he wanted so I said "bye, i'm leaving" and patted him on the stomach and left. No "call me tomorrow" no "give me a kiss" nothing. Just a lazy immature 25 year old asleep on his makeshift bed, in his parents house.
He's cute yes, in good shape yes, has a nice car yes, has a pretty good job yes, is a perfect astrological fucking match yes, but something doesn't jive. He's not got his shit together, and untill I see that he does, he's on the back burner. Yep coming to that conclusion feels better than, pretending to come in silence under him. I'm a fucking vocal sexual creature! How dare he hush me, and put his hand over my mouth!!!! Thousands of men would pay to listen to me moan and squeel. GAH sexually immature to boot. I will now call him "the boy" since he is not yet, a "guy".
Goodnight
----
Yes I just got home from seeing the guy. Why am I awake? Well it's possible that there are so many things going on in my head right now that I don't know how to put them all to rest. He was supposed to come here to watch a movie as you all know.
He had a busy day, this is true. He calls me @ 10pm and says he's really really tired and wants me to choose one of the following options:
a) I go over to his place (errr yeah parents included)
b) If I insist on him coming here he will (but sounds to really dislike this idea)
c) Put it off for another time (yep those were his words)
Well...just the fact alone that "C" was even part of the options I wasn't feeling too peachy keen. So I let him decide and he said he wanted to see me (*cough* *cough* I could only imagine what part of me he wanted to "see") and so being the psycho-pathetic I am, I hopped into my little car and drove off to his place. I should mention that I got my fucking legs waxed on my lunch hour, went to tanning after work, came home and rushed around the flat like a tornado cleaning my flat to an immaculate state only to end up in his little bedroom, humping on his futon bed with his parents in the next room. WTF? Is he like 19 or is it me who is too old for my age??
I get there and obviously he suggests we watch the DVD I rented in his room. Within 5 minutes of starting the movie he's talking his pants off and is "cuddling" me. Asks for a shoulder massage. I say ok lay on your stomach facing the TV he's like "no do it from there". Now I'm lying on my side with on hand free and im already cramping my neck to see the TV, this isn't going well so far. But we play with each other's muscles, and end up going at it. I pretend to fall asleep after to see what he's gonna do, but he just falls asleep on his back, shuts up the tv leaving us in total uncomfortable darkness on his futon bed. I try to sleep, but keep tossing and turning. I decide to leave, and as I'm driving home, I feel more empty than when I left for his place.
I think I'm going to block him in my mind starting tomorrow morning. I'm not going to email or call him, and I'm not going to wait. This is pathetic...why am I cleaning my apartment, buying fucking footrests, waxing my legs on my lunch break for someone who doesn't even sit up to kiss me goodbye as I leave. He reached out and grabbed my hand, I pretended not to know what he wanted so I said "bye, i'm leaving" and patted him on the stomach and left. No "call me tomorrow" no "give me a kiss" nothing. Just a lazy immature 25 year old asleep on his makeshift bed, in his parents house.
He's cute yes, in good shape yes, has a nice car yes, has a pretty good job yes, is a perfect astrological fucking match yes, but something doesn't jive. He's not got his shit together, and untill I see that he does, he's on the back burner. Yep coming to that conclusion feels better than, pretending to come in silence under him. I'm a fucking vocal sexual creature! How dare he hush me, and put his hand over my mouth!!!! Thousands of men would pay to listen to me moan and squeel. GAH sexually immature to boot. I will now call him "the boy" since he is not yet, a "guy".
Goodnight
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kids these days . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
he needs: