I feel entirely horrible today. I had a huge fight with my mom last night, and I was even in a rage which I don't get into very often. I would never be so mean, but I love her and what she does to herself angers me beyond beleif. I won't divulge the details of the "what" because it is kinda personal and it's not my goal by talking about this here, to air dirty family laundry. But I'm just trying to think what do I do next?
I'm horrible horrible. I love my mother more than anyone in the whole world and right now just thinking how I treated her last night I'm breaking into tears. I know I have an aggression problem, and it rarely ever comes out, but it came out last night on her. I know why she got me so mad, it's because I was frustrated with her. But then when I left and came back home, I called to tell my dad I had bought them a lotto ticket !? I was still mad at the time and wanted to "show her". But when she answered the phone in a sad but almost releived voice that I had called, and the words I had planned to say slipped out faster than I could control "May I speak to my father please?".
As my lips closed after saying the last word, tears welled up in my eyes because I had just realized that I had hurt her even more with what I had just said than all that went on that evening. Her voice dropped and she said "Oh, um, ok."
Just 2 days ago I had horrible nightmares repeating over and over that night that something happened to her and I woke up covered in tears and was litterally freaked and convinced something had happened untill I finally reached her at work that day. Then I bawled silently in reassurance she was ok.
I feel horrible. I want things to be back to the way they were before, but I am so ashamed of how I treated her, especially that last thing on the phone. I am embarassed to actually try to call her. A part of me is telling me not to call because she will understand how mad I was at her, and then another part says I should of scooped her up early this morning and headed up north for breakfast like we used to do when I was still living at home and had fought the night before. Then another side of me says that she was probably so hurt last night, and I feel awfull and feel like hiding and feeling terrible about it.
I know the smart productive thing to do is to appologize and move on, but I feel sooo bad. Everytime I think of how I must of made her feel I cry, because she is my best friend in the world, my favorite person, and I can't imagine ever being happy again if I ever lost her.
I'm horrible horrible. I love my mother more than anyone in the whole world and right now just thinking how I treated her last night I'm breaking into tears. I know I have an aggression problem, and it rarely ever comes out, but it came out last night on her. I know why she got me so mad, it's because I was frustrated with her. But then when I left and came back home, I called to tell my dad I had bought them a lotto ticket !? I was still mad at the time and wanted to "show her". But when she answered the phone in a sad but almost releived voice that I had called, and the words I had planned to say slipped out faster than I could control "May I speak to my father please?".
As my lips closed after saying the last word, tears welled up in my eyes because I had just realized that I had hurt her even more with what I had just said than all that went on that evening. Her voice dropped and she said "Oh, um, ok."
Just 2 days ago I had horrible nightmares repeating over and over that night that something happened to her and I woke up covered in tears and was litterally freaked and convinced something had happened untill I finally reached her at work that day. Then I bawled silently in reassurance she was ok.
I feel horrible. I want things to be back to the way they were before, but I am so ashamed of how I treated her, especially that last thing on the phone. I am embarassed to actually try to call her. A part of me is telling me not to call because she will understand how mad I was at her, and then another part says I should of scooped her up early this morning and headed up north for breakfast like we used to do when I was still living at home and had fought the night before. Then another side of me says that she was probably so hurt last night, and I feel awfull and feel like hiding and feeling terrible about it.
I know the smart productive thing to do is to appologize and move on, but I feel sooo bad. Everytime I think of how I must of made her feel I cry, because she is my best friend in the world, my favorite person, and I can't imagine ever being happy again if I ever lost her.