I can't sleep and my thoughts run in journal form so I thought I'd turn the computer back on and write.
I suppose part of my sleeping problems spring from my having stopped taking Zoloft but I don't know--I don't recall having been able to get to sleep that well even when I was on it.
I feel like emailing Ryan and asking if I can see him sometime. I'd probably say too much though. Like, I want to say I want to get to know him better and I'd like for him to get to know me better. I'd probably start going into how I'm sure he doesn't like me all that much and how I've probably created a Ryan in my mind who isn't really him at all... aurgh. I'm sure the response I would get would be something about the amount of homework he has or how he has no time or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I WILL see him next Saturday at the show but damn, I'm tired of only seeing him at PCB related stuff. Then it's him and the band and everyone else and I'd really like to spend some time with JUST HIM. Group settings don't really do it for me that much. I usually just end up in a corner feeling alone and like no one really wants me there... no one comes and talks to me, I just walk around from group to group but people pretty much ignore me but, then, again, I don't really contribute all that much.
I really just need some one-on-one interaction.
I don't know why I have to focus on Ryan so much. There are other people I like but... I don't know, I've just been pursuing him for so long and I like him. I like his personality. I feel like we have more in common than he realiizes. God, I wish I could make music with him. Would that be a weird thing to ask? I think it would be neat, fooling around with viola and guitar. These are the types of fantasies I have. It would be so much fun to make music with him. Man, maybe I really should ask him. I really love improvising...
*sigh*
I don't know what to do.
I'm a little scared about going to the psychiatrist Tuesday. I've quit taking my medication and I know she'll get onto me about that. Psychiatrists are all about drugs and I'm FUCKING TIRED OF BEING ON DRUGS FOR DEPRESSION. Why do I need drugs to be happy? And I really don't think they've done all that much for me except create a certain dependancy I really don't need. I'm not happy when I'm taking the drugs, so why the hell do I need to continue taking them? It just seems so silly.
God, I have so much homework I need to work on tomorrow.
Oooo, Monday is National Coming Out Day! I should do something, like come out or something. I mean, I'm not exactly "in" but I'm not all that "out" either. Some people know I indentify as bisexual, others don't. But really, it seems a bit odd to introduce myself by saying, "Hi, I'm Cat! and I'm bisexual!" Especially since I'm not dating anyone... I mean, it's probably a bit different coming out when one is dating someone than when one isn't.
"Hi, I'm bisexual, but I haven't really dated. I've kissed one guy and I've never even kissed a girl. But I find girls pretty damn attractive, more so than guys even. But I still really dig guys. Hell, look at the Ryan obsession."
I'm writing like crazy. Most people use these journals as small journals. One paragraph and that's all. It's probably better to use OD for the big drawn out entries like this but I really don't feel like writing there. Plus, Meesh reads it and she's really opposed to anything having to do with my sexuality. Seriously, it's like she thinks I shouldn't think about things like dating at all. Just because SHE has someone doesn't mean that I shouldn't think about NOT having someone. Just because SHE got over a crush doesn't mean that I should have to get over mine. She really pisses me off when it comes to that. It's like I'm not even allowed to talk about wanting Ryan anymore. And it makes it a bit weird when she actually knows Ryan (her boyfriend is the drummer for PCB).
I wish I had someone to talk to. I just can't get one one one interaction anymore. Everyone is an inseparatable couple. It's no fun being around people when they're always with a significant other. It's not that I don't like their significant others it's just, well, it makes things difficult. Especially when they're always touching and everything. No one touches me. No one.
I suppose part of my sleeping problems spring from my having stopped taking Zoloft but I don't know--I don't recall having been able to get to sleep that well even when I was on it.
I feel like emailing Ryan and asking if I can see him sometime. I'd probably say too much though. Like, I want to say I want to get to know him better and I'd like for him to get to know me better. I'd probably start going into how I'm sure he doesn't like me all that much and how I've probably created a Ryan in my mind who isn't really him at all... aurgh. I'm sure the response I would get would be something about the amount of homework he has or how he has no time or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I WILL see him next Saturday at the show but damn, I'm tired of only seeing him at PCB related stuff. Then it's him and the band and everyone else and I'd really like to spend some time with JUST HIM. Group settings don't really do it for me that much. I usually just end up in a corner feeling alone and like no one really wants me there... no one comes and talks to me, I just walk around from group to group but people pretty much ignore me but, then, again, I don't really contribute all that much.
I really just need some one-on-one interaction.
I don't know why I have to focus on Ryan so much. There are other people I like but... I don't know, I've just been pursuing him for so long and I like him. I like his personality. I feel like we have more in common than he realiizes. God, I wish I could make music with him. Would that be a weird thing to ask? I think it would be neat, fooling around with viola and guitar. These are the types of fantasies I have. It would be so much fun to make music with him. Man, maybe I really should ask him. I really love improvising...
*sigh*
I don't know what to do.
I'm a little scared about going to the psychiatrist Tuesday. I've quit taking my medication and I know she'll get onto me about that. Psychiatrists are all about drugs and I'm FUCKING TIRED OF BEING ON DRUGS FOR DEPRESSION. Why do I need drugs to be happy? And I really don't think they've done all that much for me except create a certain dependancy I really don't need. I'm not happy when I'm taking the drugs, so why the hell do I need to continue taking them? It just seems so silly.
God, I have so much homework I need to work on tomorrow.
Oooo, Monday is National Coming Out Day! I should do something, like come out or something. I mean, I'm not exactly "in" but I'm not all that "out" either. Some people know I indentify as bisexual, others don't. But really, it seems a bit odd to introduce myself by saying, "Hi, I'm Cat! and I'm bisexual!" Especially since I'm not dating anyone... I mean, it's probably a bit different coming out when one is dating someone than when one isn't.
"Hi, I'm bisexual, but I haven't really dated. I've kissed one guy and I've never even kissed a girl. But I find girls pretty damn attractive, more so than guys even. But I still really dig guys. Hell, look at the Ryan obsession."
I'm writing like crazy. Most people use these journals as small journals. One paragraph and that's all. It's probably better to use OD for the big drawn out entries like this but I really don't feel like writing there. Plus, Meesh reads it and she's really opposed to anything having to do with my sexuality. Seriously, it's like she thinks I shouldn't think about things like dating at all. Just because SHE has someone doesn't mean that I shouldn't think about NOT having someone. Just because SHE got over a crush doesn't mean that I should have to get over mine. She really pisses me off when it comes to that. It's like I'm not even allowed to talk about wanting Ryan anymore. And it makes it a bit weird when she actually knows Ryan (her boyfriend is the drummer for PCB).
I wish I had someone to talk to. I just can't get one one one interaction anymore. Everyone is an inseparatable couple. It's no fun being around people when they're always with a significant other. It's not that I don't like their significant others it's just, well, it makes things difficult. Especially when they're always touching and everything. No one touches me. No one.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
you don't have to be kissing to be bi. you don't have to be a couple to be important. don't define yourself by who you're with.
crushes are the worst. that's why they call them that. they don't call them fluffys or moists or whatever.
i don't mean to trivialize a relationship i don't understand, cuz often you hear 'crush' and you think 'puppy shit'. it's not, they're the hardest thing.
maybe tommorow will be a better day.
stay off mind control drugs! if not for yourself, do it for your country.
(what do i know.. i'm just a goofball playing at a boy who looks like a man.. ask someone smart.)