I am doubled over with love pains. Bent in half.
I love him so much. Really. Truly. Deeply. My day doesn't feel complete if he's not in it in at least some small capacity. This man has convinced me to try harder to believe in myself and humanity and God and the goodness of the entire universe. I like the world better when I'm with him and being with him makes it easier to love myself.
We would travel the world together. We would spoon on Saturday mornings and get a dog. I'd take care of him when he's down and keep him going when he's up. He'd smile at all my harebrained whims at least, and the only ones he wouldn't outright support would be the ones so harebrianed they're dangerous. He'd write me songs while I'd dream up his cover art. And 100 years into the future, after kids and life, we'd still come down to the cliffs together to talk about important things and watch the blue waves break until 2 in the morning, and be the embodiement of that Death Cab for Cutie song, "I will Follow You into the Dark".
I want to be healthier, because I want to be around longer to enjoy him. I want to breathe him in. I want to wrap his voice around me like a blanket. He makes me purr.
I haven't told him any of this. I want to sooo badly, and I don't feel like I can. He's my neighbor. And my friend. And the girls I've seen him with or interested in are stick figures while I....I am definitely not.
"No great things was ever acheived with a guaranee of success." I think FDR said that.
If I pour out my soul, I risk losing one of the best men I've ever had in my life. I risk rendering my residence a very unsettling and akward place to live. I risk being rejected and having it reinfoced yet again, that I am just too fat to love.
If I hold it back, I risk never having the love of my life in exchange for a wonderful, yet not-completely-fulfilling friendship. I have a lot of friends. Not so many soul mates. i want him in my arms, I want to kiss his adorable duckie lips. "Just pull me down hard, and drown me in love..."
When I was in high school, I pined away for 4 years after this one guy. After we graduated, I sent him a letter saying similar things. Now, I was young and dumb, and these two relationships are incomparable, but who knows, it may have been love...but I remember seeing him a few months later, and he said "You know, about that letter..." And I dropped my head and held up my hands and mumbled something that caused him to halt. And we never spoke again. I couldn't even let the poor bastard finish his though! What if it was something amazing? I don't want that to happen again, I'm older and wiser now, and if I get rejected I just have to suck it up.
Why doesn't this ever get any easier???
CAT
I love him so much. Really. Truly. Deeply. My day doesn't feel complete if he's not in it in at least some small capacity. This man has convinced me to try harder to believe in myself and humanity and God and the goodness of the entire universe. I like the world better when I'm with him and being with him makes it easier to love myself.
We would travel the world together. We would spoon on Saturday mornings and get a dog. I'd take care of him when he's down and keep him going when he's up. He'd smile at all my harebrained whims at least, and the only ones he wouldn't outright support would be the ones so harebrianed they're dangerous. He'd write me songs while I'd dream up his cover art. And 100 years into the future, after kids and life, we'd still come down to the cliffs together to talk about important things and watch the blue waves break until 2 in the morning, and be the embodiement of that Death Cab for Cutie song, "I will Follow You into the Dark".
I want to be healthier, because I want to be around longer to enjoy him. I want to breathe him in. I want to wrap his voice around me like a blanket. He makes me purr.
I haven't told him any of this. I want to sooo badly, and I don't feel like I can. He's my neighbor. And my friend. And the girls I've seen him with or interested in are stick figures while I....I am definitely not.
"No great things was ever acheived with a guaranee of success." I think FDR said that.
If I pour out my soul, I risk losing one of the best men I've ever had in my life. I risk rendering my residence a very unsettling and akward place to live. I risk being rejected and having it reinfoced yet again, that I am just too fat to love.
If I hold it back, I risk never having the love of my life in exchange for a wonderful, yet not-completely-fulfilling friendship. I have a lot of friends. Not so many soul mates. i want him in my arms, I want to kiss his adorable duckie lips. "Just pull me down hard, and drown me in love..."
When I was in high school, I pined away for 4 years after this one guy. After we graduated, I sent him a letter saying similar things. Now, I was young and dumb, and these two relationships are incomparable, but who knows, it may have been love...but I remember seeing him a few months later, and he said "You know, about that letter..." And I dropped my head and held up my hands and mumbled something that caused him to halt. And we never spoke again. I couldn't even let the poor bastard finish his though! What if it was something amazing? I don't want that to happen again, I'm older and wiser now, and if I get rejected I just have to suck it up.
Why doesn't this ever get any easier???
CAT
fridaymourning:
you probably don't remember me but we were sg friends and aim friends in a previous life and i just happened to rediscover you so i wanted to say hi. i also just read your blog and i think do whatever feels right. if this guy will really comeplete you the way you think he will then you have to go for it, take the chance towards your happiness. now this blog was written almost 6 weeks ago so maybe you have taken that chance, either way i hope your well.