cassiopeia

This may be a long one. Brace yourself.


I watched Arrested Development for the first time the other day. The commercial for it caught my eye. It was a lawyer doing a pseudo-advertisement. His name flashed on the screen "Bob Loblaw". I didn't get it. So I did what I always do when I don't get something. I said it aloud. I couldn't stop laughing for an hour and a half.

Nevin and I decided to become celibate for two weeks. No sex. No kissing. No masturbation. It was going to bring us closer in the end. Connect on various other levels. And we would have a new found respect for each other. It lasted four days.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

My mom and I went to my sister's volleyball game the other day. We were sitting there, making fun of the girls on the opposing team, when one of the girls fell and got hurt. The crowd was extremely silent. All you could hear was the poor girl crying like she was dying. And then. My mom bursts out laughing. Not at the girl. At something completely different. Death glares were giving our way. It was very comical.

I wrote something. It just came out. And after I was done I re-read it. And I realized, it was something I could imagine a serial killer composing right before he/she slaughters someone. Here. I'll let you all read it and decide:

"I want to cut you open and see what you're made of. See how you're put together. Take my time and explore your depths. Your every secret inside you, out in the open for me to see. My every question, answered. Pieces of you I will keep for myself. Your heart, which is already mine, has a place next to my own. Your beautiful mind I will sit on a shelf. Marvel at it's complexity and desire the knowledge held within. I will remove you skin and always have your touch close. I could crawl inside you and never leave."

Luckily, Nevin liked it.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I decided I'm going to be a drummer. I never played in my life. I can't keep a beat. And doing multiple things with various limbs confuses me. But damn, I'd sure look cool.

Next paycheck I think I'm getting a new tattoo. Just giving you a heads up.

At work I decided I would no longer be simply "a boat sander". I would be a NINJA SANDER. I started folding up my used sandpaper and flinging them at random people like ninja stars. It helps to pass the time.

I hung out with my hero last weekend. I'm usually so nervous around her that I stutter. Yes. I stutter sometimes. But for some reason I was relaxed and even made her laugh. I'm so proud of myself.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.