Login
Forgot Password?

OR

Login with Google Login with Twitter Login with Facebook
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • SuicideGirls
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
Vital Stats Tip

casper

Portland

SG Since 2005

Followers 14514 Following 5928

  • Everything
  • Photos
  • Video
  • Blogs
  • Groups
  • From Others

Saturday Jun 12, 2010

Jun 12, 2010
0
  • Facebook
  • Tweet
  • Email
Whew.


First I would like to acknowledge and thank every single one of you who made it to Dantes last night. No, I didn't win, but it would a good experience, and the winners put a lot of hard work and wanted it much more than I .


Congratulations to them, sincerely.



Secondly,




If I can survive these last two weeks, no, scratch that, two months, than I think I may have fortified my soul against so much more.



The whirlwind of lies, secrets, sex, alcohol and fury is still swirling around me. My personal life is shit. In some respects.


I made a big mistake, something I am not ready to admit to the world, but it involved the Bearded One. Instead of communicating and working with my honest partner, I set off a chain of events that ultimately led me to here, lying alone in my cold bed, struggling to find scent of him in my tear-stained sheets.


After two hours of sleep (fuck sleeping pills, I doubled up and still...nada..) I sat up, and spoke aloud to myself, and to Luxe, "Human beings behave humanly, I can't be mad for this."


It's true. I did, at least.


I got scared, insecure, saw a future I didn't think I could prepare for, and self-destructed. I determined last night, it was survival mode. Same as when I was 15, and when I was 18, when I experienced and lived through 2-separate, horrific events.


Instead of reacting "normally" to grief or pain, I go into what I deem "survival mode". I don't cry. I don't think, and I don't feel a single goddamn emotion.


Maybe months or years later, I experience sudden sadness, or hysteria in this case.


No amount of cheap sex, or drinking, or shopping, or socializing will help that.


I want to be the change I want to see. I want a new life. I want to be honest and work so fucking hard with the person I love. But, he has to want it too, and now it might be too late.


You've read my tales of exploits and adventure. And, amusing as they were, I can't keep living like this. I want to keep "living out loud" as one had put it, but it doesn't have to revolve around gratuitous sex with men....... while these individuals all have redeeming qualities, they didn't deserve the intimacy which I had shelved for another man.....


I will be 24 this year. I love my ex husband, but I need a divorce. I love stripping, but it's not my future. And I'm so madly in love with my ex boyfriend, it sickens me to think how I ripped him apart inadvertently. And the life I threw away. And the future I might have destroyed. Shawn, I'm sorry.

I'm not going anywhere, but please, be patient with me.


I'm still learning. I learned a lot already.




I wish I could go back.









I need to sleep.

I need a hug.

Ill be okay.


Me.

VIEW 25 of 36 COMMENTS
zombiekittybot:
xoxo babydoll
Jun 16, 2010
expo:
I will hug you any time x
Jun 17, 2010

More Blogs

  • 03.22.15
    18

    Sunday

    I'm quite sure that I intimidate the vast majority of men that I g…
  • 01.10.15
    14

    Get Down on Your Knees, Please.

    The 10 Strip Club Commandments Heheh. Really tho, my fav…
  • 09.21.14
    11

    My book is out!

    Buy my Book! Available on Amazon or Kindle. What a labor …
  • 09.06.14
    14

    My (new) book is available for pre-order.

    Strange Times Strange Times Printed books will be a…
  • 07.13.14
    18

    Hungry.

    I'm chewing a block of 'raw diablo cheese', from the farmer's mark…
  • 05.05.14
    16

    On Vanity.

    thanks to @Venus for capturing some ridiculousness. (to…
  • 04.26.14
    6

    Portland: The City That Twerks

    New shirts available in shop! www.uglymorning.bigcartel.co…
  • 04.25.14
    6

    Social Media

    If you're looking at this, you probably just viewed a MR set; this …
  • 04.17.14
    19

    The Hippie Prepster

    He's pretty cute. I think I'd like to keep him around. It’s nic…
  • 03.15.14
    24

    Twerk Twerk Twerk

    Seated in the cafe, and I hate everyone. I hate the uppity Wes…

We at SuicideGirls have been celebrating alternative pin-up girls for:

23
years
10
months
13
days
  • 5,509,826 fans
  • 41,393 fans
  • 10,327,617 followers
  • 4,598 SuicideGirls
  • 1,115,273 followers
  • 14,941,306 photos
  • 321,315 followers
  • 61,446,399 comments
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
  • Help
  • About
  • Press
  • LIVE

Legal/Tos | DMCA | Privacy Policy | 18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping Requirements Compliance Statement | Contact Us | Vendo Payment Support
©SuicideGirls 2001-2025

Press enter to search
Fast Hi-res

Click here to join & see it all...

Crop your photo