casper

Whew.


First I would like to acknowledge and thank every single one of you who made it to Dantes last night. No, I didn't win, but it would a good experience, and the winners put a lot of hard work and wanted it much more than I .


Congratulations to them, sincerely.



Secondly,




If I can survive these last two weeks, no, scratch that, two months, than I think I may have fortified my soul against so much more.



The whirlwind of lies, secrets, sex, alcohol and fury is still swirling around me. My personal life is shit. In some respects.


I made a big mistake, something I am not ready to admit to the world, but it involved the Bearded One. Instead of communicating and working with my honest partner, I set off a chain of events that ultimately led me to here, lying alone in my cold bed, struggling to find scent of him in my tear-stained sheets.


After two hours of sleep (fuck sleeping pills, I doubled up and still...nada..) I sat up, and spoke aloud to myself, and to Luxe, "Human beings behave humanly, I can't be mad for this."


It's true. I did, at least.


I got scared, insecure, saw a future I didn't think I could prepare for, and self-destructed. I determined last night, it was survival mode. Same as when I was 15, and when I was 18, when I experienced and lived through 2-separate, horrific events.


Instead of reacting "normally" to grief or pain, I go into what I deem "survival mode". I don't cry. I don't think, and I don't feel a single goddamn emotion.


Maybe months or years later, I experience sudden sadness, or hysteria in this case.


No amount of cheap sex, or drinking, or shopping, or socializing will help that.


I want to be the change I want to see. I want a new life. I want to be honest and work so fucking hard with the person I love. But, he has to want it too, and now it might be too late.


You've read my tales of exploits and adventure. And, amusing as they were, I can't keep living like this. I want to keep "living out loud" as one had put it, but it doesn't have to revolve around gratuitous sex with men....... while these individuals all have redeeming qualities, they didn't deserve the intimacy which I had shelved for another man.....


I will be 24 this year. I love my ex husband, but I need a divorce. I love stripping, but it's not my future. And I'm so madly in love with my ex boyfriend, it sickens me to think how I ripped him apart inadvertently. And the life I threw away. And the future I might have destroyed. Shawn, I'm sorry.

I'm not going anywhere, but please, be patient with me.


I'm still learning. I learned a lot already.




I wish I could go back.









I need to sleep.

I need a hug.

Ill be okay.


Me.