The family friend I had mentioned in my last blog post committed suicide toward the end of September. I got a call from my sister telling me she had hung herself. I don't think there are any words that can explain how completely in shock I was.
I don't think I wanted to admit to myself I saw it coming, as horrible as that sounds. But I know that look of sadness and pain in her eyes when I visited her. There wasn't any getting better any time soon. Her attempt before was pretty severe. This time she was much more determined. She's always been a strong headed determined woman. She was one of the strongest most amazing people I have ever known. She hung herself in her basement and her husband came home to find her and had to cut her down. The thought of this just brings an overwhelms me with sadness. I keep picturing her hanging there and him having to cut her down and her dead weight just hitting the floor. The scene in girl interrupted where daisy hang herself continually plays over and over in my head. I get nightmares about seeing her there or going to the house and trying to console her husband or live there so he isn't alone.
I lived next door to her for 21 years. She basically helped raise me, babysat me my whole childhood, taught me so many life lessons. Almost like a second mother. She always seemed to know everything, whether it be cooking advice or fixing her dishwasher or gardening or even how to fix the pump in my familys pool. She would figure it out. She was resourceful and smart and always there to listen.
It's really hard. If you had told me last year at this time this would happen I would have never believed anyone. She never was like this but all the sudden this past winter/spring a switch just flipped and she wasn't herself anymore, just a shell of herself. And when I say a shell I mean it both figuratively and literally. She looked so sickly. Only skin and bones.
Her husband has never been one to show much emotion, so to see him crying and being so upset makes it worse. Her family is very well known to me since I grew up with her daughters and have always been around for family events. She has three daughters and a son. Her middle daughter ended up being so selfish and making everything all about her. The wake was close to family and close friends and she uninvited my sister who was very close with everyone until recently when some random event (I still have no idea what happened and I choose to stay out of it). Sarah (my sister) still went to the funeral and everything but the whole drama over the wake and whatnot was completely uncalled for and it's something Joan would never have wanted.
I have yet to visit her husband again like I said I would and it's been almost a month. I don't know how to go back into that house. I don't know how to function without her there. Christmas seeing her will never been the same. We have a Christmas eve party and she was always sitting with me on the couch talking and catching up because I like to just sit back at a lot of family events. Too much people and things going on overwhelms me and gives me all this crazy energy and I have a hard time.
I'm not angry that she did it. I can't say that I'm too sad she did because as weird as it is I understand, i've been to that point of sadness and I know how hard it can be. I've been hospitalized for depression before during one of my mood swings. I guess all I can say is that I miss her deeply and things will never be the same.
In other news, I'm working on securing a permanent job at the hospital I currently have a travel position at. It's in my hometown, which I never thought I would come back to, but I love the people I work with, the nurse manager is absolutely amazing, and it's a state job with a nursing union. I would just have to ride out my lease for another six months (which means commuting from rochester still) until I can get a job close by. But my best friend lives there, my parents are close, my god parents, and I'm building friendships with some of the girls I work with. I can't really say I've ever had a lot of close friends because I've always been more of a loaner/ hermit type. I like talking to people but too much time spent with them I either end up getting sick of them or I get too attached. Side effect of borderline that I am working on and I've come a long way with. Plus I'm at that age where everyone is getting married and having kids or buying house or in serious relationships and it's just me and my dog. Dating just isn't happening and I don't like going to the bar because it's so cliche.
I get my hair re-dyed lavender tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that. Going to Suicide Girls Burlesque in a few weeks. Cleveland next month for Anberlin's farewell tour. And I want to plan a trip to Boston to see the Bruins play and visit some family I have out that way. So I have some things working for me.
love and light
xo Cashmir