caseysmash

It's been a long while since I have posted anything on here.
So here goes....about to blog all in my pants.
I decided last week at the begining of the week that I was going to drop my classes.
So now I am free of the burdons of education for about 6 weeks.
Ah......a much deserved vacation.
And the head space will be good for me to gather the necessary tools for my own studio when the term starts up.
I am pretty stoked about that.

What else?
Ah-got into a fist fight with the guy I was trying to date on my birthday last weekend.
Not kool.
Drunkin anger and selfishness have a tendency to not work together I am afraid.
He got 2 punches to the mouth, a fat lip, and a huge gouge on the chest from a fingernail.
I ended up with a twisted shoulder and 2 huge bruises on my arms.
And an entire neighborhood full of woken up neighbors.
Screaming fights at 4 am are bound to do that.

He is like poison to me and I just can't stay away.
What kind of stupid psychological bullshit is this mess of things?
I'm not so sure I really even want to dig that far.
But I have decided to start writing down more of the strangeness that occurs to me.
Not via the information super highway. (because most of it is well....just way too private)
Maybe to help me keep track of what's happening so I don't always feel so lost.

And all I can seem to think right now is about what I want.
I want a guy who is mildly selfish.
I mean selfish and confident enought to be able to not get all but hurt if I dont have time to hang out.
Like he won't sit at home and be all pissed off at me over it.
And I want him to still be caring enough to act like I am special to him in public.
You know a kiss or maybe the ocassional holding of the hand.
And don't wait until your drunk out of your god damn mind to do it please.
I need him to be foxy and strong.
But not know how foxy he is.
I think the work for that is humble.

But I suppose all this is just too much to ask for because I will be damned if I can find it.
And I really wish Ryan could be it for me.
It's just awful.
We both know we are so bad for one another and yet neither one of us wants to stay away.

Guess I will just keep kicking that dead horse.
And the real question here is.......why am I not using my smarts for something useful?