caseyblake

I feel i'm a prisoner trapped in my own mind. Forced to see everything I don't want to see play over and over. A torturous contraption with no mercy. I'm at the will of my greatest enemy. The one that knows my every secret and desire. The one that can destroy me at a given time and strike at any moment. How do I escape the perfect weapon, my own mind. This is depression in its most candid and vivid form. Why am I not good enough? Why have I failed those I car about so deeply? Why can others not put effort into me as much as I put into them? Why am I being attacked by my own inner thoughts and mind? Why is my consciousness not on my side to make me happy? Why is it trying to bring me down?The trigger. The trigger. Being forgotten, feeling as if no one would care if i lived or died today. Not having the closeness to people when you need it. The only network I have is family but thats a definite road to being told to shape up. Nothing I hear makes me feel better. I see through the veils of lies and cliche remarks. " you mean everything to people." "Death is not the answer, you mean something." There's always this such and such number, place, website, testimonials of those who were saved. How is a number or a website going to convince me that yes, i am valuable? How can I identify with someone who knows nothing of me or my past. It's not convincing enough even with people who do know my past. Nothing helps me. And I truly feel alone when even my support groups can't relate. These services won't solve my problems. They just provide the means for a school to say 'yes, we have services to prevent harm, its this number." but it doesn't solve anything. What do I do? What do i do? The fam is a shut down, the friends triggered the depression thats a no go, the suicide lines and 24 hour help are bs with their impersonal help and religion hasn't helped me in 15 years. What do I do? I wish everyday that my head was free and clear. That I could just worry about stupid things. That I have people who care about me and contact me when they think I'm feeling down. Not because I tell them, but because they just know that I'm down. Where is my help? Where are the people that are as intuitive as me? Where are the ones that can understand me and my problems? Where are the people that speak my language? Why do I feel alone everyday?