So I have a very hard time keeping secrets which can get me into trouble. But Im not going to worry about that right now. Right now. Right now. Remember a while back I was complaining because I felt trapped in the now the hereness that I don't know how to explain but it was driving me crazy because I felt totally stuck in it!!? Well now Im having an opposite feeling. Its like everything is slipping away! the Now is so short that I feel like Im barreling through time and space or time and space is spiraling out of control.
Its amazing to feel this way like Im the breath of something dead and then jump into something freshly born and repeat over and over jumping from one place to the next. The now is so short that I am lost in moments that are ever fleeting and I cant even hold on to a picture of what I was or where or how.
And my memories sometimes betray me and everything is like a dream. Im just sitting in the grass or snow or river whatever this is and I am laughing at the beauty of it all as I am finally seeing a bigger whole. Realizing that if I just let go everything is perfect.
I had a hard time from summer of 2012 to fall 2013. . .so full of ups and extreme downs. But I am not upset about anything now. The past, I can not say that it doesn't matter and that I must look forward, that would only be part right. The past I cannot regret. Its just a part of this growing masterpiece. Living art.
We were discussing matters of art and beauty and whether a flower was art or beauty or what? We were discussing nature vs nurture. And many other things!! For each topic I came to one conclusion, That nature is the artist the divine being and we are it!! Nature is the narcissist and the selfless, the lover, the teacher. . .and we just forget that we are a part of it, mirrors of it, the eyes to observe the self of it. Our mother who wants to be admired and appreciated for her beauty and strength and great patience and intelligence. I love to listen to peoples stories. I like to see them as the flower that grew and was cultivated in ways unique to their gardeners and the environment the eternal gardener. . .
I have often thought of cutting my life short. But I don't know if I ever will. one never dies alone. alone is an illusion. . .Recent thoughts have led me to curiosity and wonder. I feel like I'd be missing so much and if I cut myself off rather than waiting to see what way nature chooses, I'd die confused and empty.
Maybe I dream too much? Maybe. But I like it. I have sexsomnia and I am not worried about it because Im lucky enough to be a woman with a clitoris. I dreamt I seduced a woman and woke up having an orgasm. I do this all the time. May be why Im tired most of the time but there are worse things. Its interesting anyway. I just cant sleep over at certain places. haha.
