Reconciliation and contrition.. an odd combination, but that's been my night so far.
So, if you read the last few blogs, you might know that there was a lot of drama kicking up between me and my recent ex-girlfriend. She asked me earlier to come around to her place, so that we could talk. She figured she owed me an explanation of her actions...
She admitted that she was very, very wrong to have done everything that she's done to me. She believes me that I'm mentally ill and not stable, not always in 100% control of myself, and appreciates the reasons I had for doing all of what I did. She admits that sleeping with my best friend was an extremely stupid thing to do, and holds herself accountable and responsible for it all. She was concerned that I'd blame myself, and even asked me to demonise her - to hate her, as a way of no longer blaming myself.
But I can't do that. I understand her, and understand what happened to her, understand why she did everything she did. She was ill, and she was scared, and after she'd broken up with me she was alone and frightened of everything that was going on. I was collateral damage, but massive collateral damage - an unintentional victim that got caught in the way of it all.
I've smoothed things over with my best friend now, who was also apologetic and seemed to feel pretty awful about everything that'd happened. They were going to tell me, but they were also both scared and concerned about how I'd react. I asked him directly, though, and he didn't want to lie to me; he was honest about everything. I appreciate that.
So how did I react? I forgave them. I absolved them both of all sin... I still hold myself accountable and to blame, even though nobody else does - not my friends, my family, anyone that supports me - not even them. They both say I should hate them for everything that's happened, but I don't.
Hatred is only so useful as an emotion; it can only be useful for so long before just being damaging and destructive to things you want to preserve. I didn't want to cause yet-more drama to an already convoluted plot. Forgiveness is sometimes all we have left. Whether I think it's a good idea to forgive them all or not is debatable, but it doesn't change things; that's what I've done.
Everyone seems surprised by this. That I've been so apparently understanding and forgiving, and smiled with them again and allowed them to walk free. They were surprised by this most of all. I guess I even surprised myself a little bit.
Am I going to take on a christ-like mantle, accept blame and responsibility for everyone else's sins, and die for them all? Eh, maybe. Do I think it's a good idea? God no, I think it's fucking stupid. But equally, I cannot bring myself to hatred; these are good people that made mistakes. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.. and by no means am I without sin.
Hopefully this will be the end of the whining blogs for now.. onto happier things soon, I promise =)
So, if you read the last few blogs, you might know that there was a lot of drama kicking up between me and my recent ex-girlfriend. She asked me earlier to come around to her place, so that we could talk. She figured she owed me an explanation of her actions...
She admitted that she was very, very wrong to have done everything that she's done to me. She believes me that I'm mentally ill and not stable, not always in 100% control of myself, and appreciates the reasons I had for doing all of what I did. She admits that sleeping with my best friend was an extremely stupid thing to do, and holds herself accountable and responsible for it all. She was concerned that I'd blame myself, and even asked me to demonise her - to hate her, as a way of no longer blaming myself.
But I can't do that. I understand her, and understand what happened to her, understand why she did everything she did. She was ill, and she was scared, and after she'd broken up with me she was alone and frightened of everything that was going on. I was collateral damage, but massive collateral damage - an unintentional victim that got caught in the way of it all.
I've smoothed things over with my best friend now, who was also apologetic and seemed to feel pretty awful about everything that'd happened. They were going to tell me, but they were also both scared and concerned about how I'd react. I asked him directly, though, and he didn't want to lie to me; he was honest about everything. I appreciate that.
So how did I react? I forgave them. I absolved them both of all sin... I still hold myself accountable and to blame, even though nobody else does - not my friends, my family, anyone that supports me - not even them. They both say I should hate them for everything that's happened, but I don't.
Hatred is only so useful as an emotion; it can only be useful for so long before just being damaging and destructive to things you want to preserve. I didn't want to cause yet-more drama to an already convoluted plot. Forgiveness is sometimes all we have left. Whether I think it's a good idea to forgive them all or not is debatable, but it doesn't change things; that's what I've done.
Everyone seems surprised by this. That I've been so apparently understanding and forgiving, and smiled with them again and allowed them to walk free. They were surprised by this most of all. I guess I even surprised myself a little bit.
Am I going to take on a christ-like mantle, accept blame and responsibility for everyone else's sins, and die for them all? Eh, maybe. Do I think it's a good idea? God no, I think it's fucking stupid. But equally, I cannot bring myself to hatred; these are good people that made mistakes. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.. and by no means am I without sin.
Hopefully this will be the end of the whining blogs for now.. onto happier things soon, I promise =)