Hey guys!
Time for a good old blog entry :p Sorry again for not being as active as before, school has me tied to my studies... :( (fortunately, I like the field I am studying in!)
As I have been in a pretty terrible mood lately because of a lot of things happening and my exams, I have decided to write this little blog post which will hopefully, help me but also help others who are struggling with anxiety and rough times.
So, here are two things I have realised in the last days and weeks...
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One : It is okay, and even important to fail...
I don't know from where it comes from, but since high school, I have always had terrible performance anxiety. I was going to a school where having grades lower than 80% were considered horrible. Well, finally I think I know from where it comes from...
Even though going to this school really helped me for my college studies, it pretty much destroyed my confidence. I even had a terrible depression at 15. People were super individualist, only concerned by their grades, almost not willing to help. I realise now that it is what pretty much fuelled my performance anxiety...
Yesterday, I had an animal nursing exam...and it went absolutely terribly.
Well, a normal person would be like....no, it was fine!
But, from my ''you must not get grades under 80%'' view, it is absolutely terrible.
I ended up with a 73% grade. Lets just say I focused too much on some stuff and not enough on some other stuff. I was also challenged by my teacher to do the injection I am the less secure with, so I ended up losing a lot of points. ( But no, the dog I injected is perfectly fine!)
I did not fail, but to me, it is a fail. I failed because I never ever had a grade lower than 90% since I am in college. So...I was in shock...cried...but...a little voice came at the back of my head.
'' You needed to ''fail'', you were so scared to have a grade that low and it happened, see how you feel about it, see. You are still healthy, you are not dead, your family is fine, you have a job...and most importantly, you passed. That failure will only make sure that the mistakes you made are now engraved in your memory. This failure was necessary for you to learn, and for you to know that bad grades won't kill you''.
I don't know from where that voice came from...I'm always so pessimistic...
But I realise that I have made a huge leap into understanding and calming my anxiety. I am so happy I managed to come up by myself with that reflection. I can't say I'm cured, but I am reassured. I'll always be the girl striving to get 100%...but I am feeling better now that I know I will react correctly to being dissapointed of my grades...
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Two: Never let anyone have control on how you feel.
It can mean having to let go of that person, if it's a friend or a s/o.
I am sadly, not mentally strong enough to deal with having people who take so much space, they end up having control over my feelings.
I had a pretty bad fight with one of my former friends some weeks ago.
I have always had struggle with affirmating myself and taking my place. That friend always took a lot of this place.
I could never say no to her or she would make me feel bad for saying no. I always had to have an excuse and even if I had one, it was not enough.
When she was mad at me, she was talking shit to her other friends about me, I was always uncomfortable to meet them because I never knew what stuff she would have said about me.
At some point I remember she was mad at me because I fell asleep when I was waiting for her. She was mad, indeed, I would have been mad also...but she ended up saying so much shit about me that one of her friends did not understand why she was still my friend. I still wonder to this day what she told that girl about me for her to think she should stop being my friend because I fell asleep and could finally not see her...once.
I can say I respect her for the fact she admitted all of that to me (because yes, I know that because she said it to me) but I can't seem to remember if she apologised (of course I apologised for falling asleep) What I can remember though is that she found that funny and kept repeating '' but you know, I'm a bitch!''
But the worse I think, is she never took the time to understand my panic disorder. I always sensed jealousy, or something else...it was really weird...She never wanted me to talk about it because she was getting mad if I did. I can't blame her for not understanding, but making me feel bad about it is just wrong and unecessary. Would you make someone for having cancer? or a broken leg? So then, why would you make someone with a mental illness feel bad? You're making it worse.
I don't think she ever liked any of my friends, especially my boyfriends.
I still continued being her friend because we always had fun together, and I was able to just let that go, but at some point I just got sick and our last fight just released us both from this relationship.
We booked a shooting together, I got sick, had to cancel (it was done more than 48h before the shooting date), we could have picked another date, but the only other date she was avalaible I was not. She got mad, decided to still do the shooting alone. As I shared the deposit price with her, I asked her to reimburse me, she did not want to blaming me for getting sick. I thought it was completely ridiculous that I would have to pay because I was sick and she did not want to move the shooting date. Whatever...poof, friendship ended.
We were still friends for a lot of years, she was a friend I made back when I was in high school.
I don't say I'm the good guy in that story. I'm not saying she is a bad person either. My point is, she is not good for me. She had to much control over my feelings. I've felt so much guil everytime I had to say no, everytime she said some stuff to her other friends, we still had a strong friendship, but at the point where I am in my life, I just can't stay friends with her.
Today, she posted a photo on instagram with a caption that went like '' I didn't lose a friend, I just never had one'' . I don't know if she meant for me to see it or anything, but of course, it hurts. I feel like this is not true. I still consider her as a former friend. But, I know she mostly evacuates her emotions by writing some captions like that under her pictures, I mean, if that's her way of coping with our '' friendship breakup'' .
In the end, what I'm taking out of it is, we had some great time together, were friends for a while, but now, I just can't put up with her ''shit'' anymore, I don't know how to put it up in another way.
Like I said, I'm probably in the wrong too, I'm not saying I'm the one who is right, I don't know her side and how she feels about all of it. But, as I care too much about how others feel, it's time I care about what I feel, and get away of people who try to get a hold on controlling how I feel.
Someone who always tries to make others feel guilty, is toxic.
Here it is...Just a little (lol) blog post for those who like to read me, and those who might be dealing with the same kind of stuff, hopefully someone will feel less alone in what they feel :3
I love you all
-xxx-
Cara
pssttt! This is a little preview from my next set coming out in 3 weeks :D
