A number of well meaning people have made very kind and generous comments on my original profile picture. I never know what to do online and more so on sites like this, especially when I first join and don’t know what to expect. Adding that I’m a rather private person and I’m the nervous type when it comes to sharing myself online, I chose to modify my real picture with an artistic flair. This wasn’t meant as a way to maliciously mislead, but to cloak my identity (and a dash of wishful thinking probably). When I got nice comments on the profile picture, I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I needed to remove it.
To any who may have felt I’ve crossed a line, I’m sorry, but also, thank you. I’ve wanted desperately to say what I am about to say for a long time online, and in a community of people completely unrelated to what I am about to confess. I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure out how I might approach this, or even if I should, but this pushed me to just go ahead and say it. I need to say it, it feels like a weight that keeps me from connecting. Harboring this makes me lonely. And while, what I am about to say is unique, I think others can relate to some level of what I am about to say.
Full confession: I’m a trans woman. I really would like to have the confidence to be myself and not worry about it, but I suffer from quite a bit of self-doubt about my image. This is a result of decades of hating my body and being rejected, the subject of jokes and suspicion, derision, everything and everyone told me I was disgusting. If it wasn’t for a loving partner, I would never have made it. My existence is politicized and it means I’m often not seen as a person, but rather a subject.
I’ve always had a lot of jealousy of what others had. It’s taken a long time to say that I’m proud of who I am and I’m now just starting to appreciate my image. I guess that is one of the things that actually prompted me to join Suicide Girls. The diversity represented here is encouraging. Seeing the diversity of body types, ages, and the many confident, fun, inspiring, and creative women gives me hope that I can feel good about myself, even sexy once in a while. I hope that I am not wrong. I want to support that concept.
To all of the many women here, thank you for unabashedly being you.
