caradoc

I think I am skirting disaster. I think I'm sinking further and further into some kind of selfish careless pit of depression. I swear this job and lifestyle is eating away at me. Every day I am torn between my work life and what you all see when I come to LA. It is taking its toll. When I was in training it was easier without all these distractions from military life. But now, I am beginning to miss my freedom. I am feeling the full effect of it these days and I'm afraid it will either get worse or never go away. I'm not sure what I should do. I know what I will do: continue on, never giving up, but never being really happy.Every Sunday I dread going to work so much that it ruins the entire day. That means there is really only one day out of seven I really have fun. This is not a reflection on the Marine Corps. This is a reflection upon a few factors associated with the Marines that are unique to my job and who I work with. Meaning, if I had a different duty station, I might have been quite happy. I love LA. I love San Diego. I even love Camp Pendleton. I would love to move to Hollywood with the rest of you all. But it'll be another 2 1/2 years before I get a chance at that. Something that would really help would be friends. I have friends in all of you, even though you're far away. So thank you. Another thing would be someone to love. I am so tired of not knowing what love is and what it means. I'm almost 24 and I don't know what love is. That's sad. I just wish I could find it so I didn't have to be alone anymore. And the sad thing is, even if I found it, I'm afraid I'd ruin it like I do every relationship. I rarely pray, but I was raised Catholic you know. This is the only thing I ask God for as I am not a religious man. I don't ask for much. Anyway, this is what I write when I'm tired and have too much time on my hands.