Thanks for all the love, you guys! I'm finally back. I know it hasn't been that long, but even a day without SG feels like an eternity. It's really great coming back to all the wonderful comments.
So this is the story of why I've been gone. I call it "The Hobbit Who Went Away (but only for 11 days)...
Once upon a time, there was a Hobbit girl, down on her luck that had to be committed to a mental hospital. The end.
Seriously. That's where I've been for 7 of the days since I last updated. The loyal few who keep up with me, know that I've been having problems, but I pretty much kept the really dark stuff bottled up. I told no one. I kept it all secret for far too long. I've known that I've been disturbed for quite sometime now. I let it go too deep without seeking help. I was almost gone for good, but right at the last minute I decided to give myself one more chance. I honestly didn't want to. I wanted peace of mind so bad. I wanted to quiet the critics and the tormentors that scream in my head 24/7, once and for all. I was almost there, and I was looking forward to it. The very thought of it brought a smile of relief to my face.
It was never an issue of being selfish, I hate when people say suicide is selfish. Sometimes it seems senseless, I'm sure. But the sort of problems I've been having are part of an illness, that I've become way too good at covering up and hiding from people. I'm one of the least selfish people you'll ever meet this day in age, and I can't stand when people say "at least you didn't do the selfish thing." Like I had been sitting around trying to figure out a way to hurt people. No, it wasn't like that, not at all.
But right before it was almost too late, some sane part of my mind pulled me out of my illness long enough to seek help. And that I did. I was diagnosed with a pretty drastic chemical imbalance, which I knew all along, but was scared to find out for a fact. No one wants to know they can't control their mind without the help of strong medication. To me, that's terrifying, but I feel so much better already. I even went back to school yesterday, and didn't have any crippling panic attacks. I can focus for the first time ever, and it feels so strange to me. My mind isn't all over the place, and I can sleep. It's so fucking great. I can't even describe how good I feel.
I moved out, too. The doctors wouldn't release me until they knew I was moving in with my Godmother. They said if I continued living in such a violent home, I would never get better, so I left. My mother's crushed, but I convinced her to start going to family therapy with me, so we'll see how things go from here.
As for the people I met while I was in the hospital, if I could see them again, Id tell them they mean a lot to me and to keep fighting always, because mental illness, be it Bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia never goes away. It can be helped, but its always there.
I have a long way to go before I'm better, but Im pretty eager to get started. So again, thanks for all the support. You guys rule!
So this is the story of why I've been gone. I call it "The Hobbit Who Went Away (but only for 11 days)...
Once upon a time, there was a Hobbit girl, down on her luck that had to be committed to a mental hospital. The end.
Seriously. That's where I've been for 7 of the days since I last updated. The loyal few who keep up with me, know that I've been having problems, but I pretty much kept the really dark stuff bottled up. I told no one. I kept it all secret for far too long. I've known that I've been disturbed for quite sometime now. I let it go too deep without seeking help. I was almost gone for good, but right at the last minute I decided to give myself one more chance. I honestly didn't want to. I wanted peace of mind so bad. I wanted to quiet the critics and the tormentors that scream in my head 24/7, once and for all. I was almost there, and I was looking forward to it. The very thought of it brought a smile of relief to my face.
It was never an issue of being selfish, I hate when people say suicide is selfish. Sometimes it seems senseless, I'm sure. But the sort of problems I've been having are part of an illness, that I've become way too good at covering up and hiding from people. I'm one of the least selfish people you'll ever meet this day in age, and I can't stand when people say "at least you didn't do the selfish thing." Like I had been sitting around trying to figure out a way to hurt people. No, it wasn't like that, not at all.
But right before it was almost too late, some sane part of my mind pulled me out of my illness long enough to seek help. And that I did. I was diagnosed with a pretty drastic chemical imbalance, which I knew all along, but was scared to find out for a fact. No one wants to know they can't control their mind without the help of strong medication. To me, that's terrifying, but I feel so much better already. I even went back to school yesterday, and didn't have any crippling panic attacks. I can focus for the first time ever, and it feels so strange to me. My mind isn't all over the place, and I can sleep. It's so fucking great. I can't even describe how good I feel.
I moved out, too. The doctors wouldn't release me until they knew I was moving in with my Godmother. They said if I continued living in such a violent home, I would never get better, so I left. My mother's crushed, but I convinced her to start going to family therapy with me, so we'll see how things go from here.
As for the people I met while I was in the hospital, if I could see them again, Id tell them they mean a lot to me and to keep fighting always, because mental illness, be it Bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia never goes away. It can be helped, but its always there.
I have a long way to go before I'm better, but Im pretty eager to get started. So again, thanks for all the support. You guys rule!
VIEW 23 of 23 COMMENTS
how are you holding up?
I find it scary that people don't find "no mister stoney, no weezing the joo-oose" funny. Oh well, perhaps a webcam session is in order where we synchronise our encino man dvd's and watch and laugh together. hehehe.
Have a good one chica.