captknutz

Oh man... this is a bad sign... Dreams of 'being a passenger in a car' tend to symbolize a feeling of being out of control -- and it's all chicks drivin' your car. Y'know what's funny? I had a really similar dream just a few nights ago. I was in the back of this van that was driving through the woods. I was with a girl. At first I thought she was driving, but then I realized no one was driving. I was waiting for the van to stop so I could get out -- I knew it would have to hit a tree or something -- but not in a scary-car-crash kinda way. The van was coming to a stop. It would just be a slow bump. My alarm clock went off right before it hit the tree. By the way, I've started writing my dreams down every day. I'm amazed at how much crazy stuff I see on a nightly basis -- It's goodtimes.

Insomnia is great... but anyway, lemme break my situation down for you. My ex is depressed right. I mean he works a shitty job where he has to do twice the work without twice the money, his mom started drinking and smoking again and says shit like, "Maybe if I killed myself you could use the insurance to pay the bils." He can't invest time being a tattoo apprentice at his friend's shop, he cant just take classes he wants cause he cant afford them, paying rent, and having a car note for the first time and his fucking car breaking down twice regardless of the fact that he just got it last spring. And here I am 23 and a lifeforce sucking entity in my parents house, going to cosmetology school, having no bills, not really needing a job, and being driven around at will. Could you say he was a little resentful? But of course he cant tell me that cause he "doesnt really talk about his problems" and lets that shit build up.

So, he was acting like something was wrong and my cousin (his best friend) has to be the one bring it to my attention. I call him up on VALINTINES DAY and tells him he needs to let me know was going on cause im tired of being out of the loop. It took me an 45 MINUTES to drag it out of him. Finally he was like it bothers me that you dont drive, you dont have a job, and all you wanna do it sit around in my room and watch movies and fuck. It's been making me feel like we're just fuck buddies and blah blah blah. Granted he is right I really need to be driving and probably working, BUT, #1 he knows nobody would teach me and ive been terrified of driving like people are afraid of flying. #2 Cosmetology school is like working a job with no pay cause we actually have to take clients and shit, and im not fucking busting my ass when I only have 3 months left. #3 We sit around and watch movies because we're broke! And his roomate fucking hates me so i dont want to trapes around his house like we're fucking buddies and we arent. I was happy jut to be around him because we didnt get to see each other often like we used to, when he was working a good job and none of this shit mattered.

So he lays this shit on me like he has to do all this extra curricular shit to get his mind off of our situation.

OK fine well what can we do to fix it?
I dunno if we can.
Well do you want to break up?
I DONT KNOW.

Ok? I tell him i dont want to, cause if we can fix this i want to fix it. And Id hate for us to take a BREAK and you find somebody else before we can resolve this. And hes like its not even about that. I dont know if i can be anybodys boyfriend right now. I feel like im turning into a monster. I've had thoughts of not being around permanately (as in shuffleing off this mortal coil), I dont know what i want. I need to be selfish now. etc. etc.

Now had he had been straight up and said im having a hard time lets take a break, then come together and try this again, and fix where we went wrong, I would have been so down for. But no he had to dance all around it. So Im sad and crying and freaking out cause I wasnt expecting all this and he gets freaked out cause im in shock and crying and leave.

He tells my cousin later that he made it clear he wanted to break up and that i was being creepy and my mom was being creepy cause she had this look on her face, which was just a look of concern and he took it as this angry black woman is going to fuck me up even thoug she cooks for me and laughs at my stupid jokes and I dont want to go over there.
Then with me being worried about him, I call and he doesnt answer and that scares the shit out of me. Then he dissapears for a couple days and i get even more scared and pops up like nothing happened even though his mom went as far as calling my mom to see what happend to him. And with me calling franticlly he tells my cousin I was really being creepy. And all he had to do was answer the phone once and say give me some time to myself and It would have been cool. So to keep me from making and ass out of myself my cousin tells me we're never getting back together, get over it, and that HES SEEING SOMEBODY ELSE, and of all people its a girl i hate, he knows i hate, and who hates me back. Now mind you this girl already tried to woo him with proposals of a three way cause supposedly shes "bisexual". Mind you this girl is short and really round like an apple and has short curly hair, so basically she looks like Pat from SNL. I maybe fat and sassy but im like Beyonce fat, I have a neck and waist and im porportionate with a pretty face. Not to be full of myself; I would tease him and say she hates me and totally wants you and i dont like her, and he would always say "Well she thinks your gorgeous." So she prolly gave him a blowjob and fell all inlove with her.

Whatever, so after a few weeks he breaks up with her cause hes still depressed and tells my cousin "maybe ill get back with her." Not with me, but with her. And we aren't for sure but my cousin and i think they are back together cause he drug her along when they went to see hellboy.
And I'm depressed because the reason I wanted to get what what was bothering him out in the open was so we can fix it and deal with a bigger problem of me being pregnant. But I didnt say anything because i didnt want to guilt him into staying together. Well the pregnancy took care of itself and spontaneous aborted while i was in school. And that was really hard to deal with and still is.
He still doesnt know because I told him after he finally stopped dodging me and TEXT messaged me and "appologized", that, when hes comfortable and really ready to talk let me know. He said he promised. And ive barely heard from him since. Its only been about two months, but it feels like two years. All i want is to talk and get things straight, get shit of my chest. But the waiting and the depression is just getting to me. And here I am.

I mean it just really hurts that somebody who used to write shongs for me, and draw me pictures, make mix tapes, go through the effort of learning how to play Everlong for me on the guitar, and just pickup shit for me just because, would just dump me and let it go down in such a shitty way.
Like, we were good together. I love his mom and his sister and vice versa, they were like my second family. My fucking eye doctor aways asked about him. Everybody thought we were going to get maried. So obviously they saw something between us. Not to mention the week before he told me he loved me and bought me a fucking action figure i wanted. And that holds alot of weight with me because I have always thought that i love you should be used sparingly because if you say any word to much it just looses all meaning. So that was really important . Then the next week PFFTTT.

So now im just hoping hell come around and this will all get better cause its just a phase. But, at the same time preparing myself to move on by going out, concentrating on school (im out in two months), getting my licence, and working.

No matter how much I beg the universe to cut me some slack I never seem to get my way.
If I think something bad is going to happen and I try to think positive, something bad always happens.
Sometimes if I squeeze really hard little shit will turn in my favor, but not very often.
If I don't want a customer, chances are I'll get one.
If I get too excited about something, chances are it wont happen or wont stay that way.

It seems like if I just let nature take its course things go my way, but I'm one of those people with no clarity. I cant just shut off my mind. Especially with my current situations.
As much I try to just keep moving and let things happen naturally I feel compelled to squeeze really hard and hope I can move fate with my mind.

I'm afraid to hold tight cause it will pull away.
I'm afraid to let go then it will be too far out of reach.
I'm afraid to move on cause then I cant go back.

If things go my way I don't have to worry about these things.
Something new will be born, not appear.

I want evolution. Not death.

I have a short yet big obstacle to get by.
If things are really meant to go in my favor that obstacle will take care of itself.

Keep your fingers crossed that, this obstacle is a stick of blazing dynamite with a half inch wick...

Thanks for letting me rant. It feels good.