cap

3am

Came home to the sounds of chirping.........joy.

Anyways. My buddy broke up with his GF this week. So a trip to the strip club was a must. I'm no longer allowed in the Foxxy Lady (ex GF drama) so we went to another one and I honestly don't remember it's name.

He hit me with info I didn't need to know. Like that he was reading some stupid theraputic book crap. Wondering what he did wrong. Or what she did wrong. This wasn't a cheating breakup, or a fight breakup, or a feelings breakup, they only argued when they tried to force each other to fit in the mold of what they wanted from each other. She required things from a boyfriend he disagreed with, and vice verca.

By the way they've been dating 2 months. But they are old school so I don't judge. Their 2 months prolly a lot further down the road then 2 months would comfortably be for me. So I think of it like 6 or 8 months.

So eventually he says, "I think it was a mistake to ever let myself fall for her. I should have been a lil more careful."

I lost it.

"Fuck that bullshit!!"

He fell in love cuz he did. Plain and simple. Luv isn't natural so therefore the idea of controling it is an illusion. You have no control over it. Yet a lot of people try to lie to themselves and others and play it down.

So basically I told him how I felt out of anger. But it cheered him up so whatever.

Heres what I told him:

I can safely say that I have been in love with every girl I ever went out on a real date with, twice. Real love. Granted it wasn't the same luv my parents had. Or that the Camdens have on 7th heaven. But it was still love.

That feeling of elation. The high you get when you think of them. The burning cheeks from smiling so much. Not being able to shut up about them.

How they pretty much blow you away and you can't even say how just yet. You cherish them. They make you high. That's real.

But everyone, including myself is afraid to say it out loud. That's really very sad. When did it become inappropriate to tell someone you loved them? When did it become uncomfortable to hear someone loved you? Even if you didn't love them back. Someone loving you is never a bad thing. But it is scary.

Admiting you luv someone, to yourself, is admitting to a loss of control and power over your life....subconsciously your mind feels vunerable, at risk. What if she doesn't feel the same way? What if she hurts me? I'm gambling with an unknown reaction. That terrifies people. T E R R I F I E S!!!!!

It's a leap of faith and in this day and age faith in love is a very rare thing. Faith requires us to believe despite the evidence. And reality shows like Jerry Springer, movies about adultery, all shove reasons down our throut on a daily basis why Love can turn out badly. So more times than not we turn away, or laugh it off, tell everyone that anything but the truth. I'm just as guilty.

The difference between the love we have all felt towards that guy/girl we barely know, and our grandparents is one simple word. Faith.

It's ok to admit that that you love that girl who you barely know but who always says the right things. It's absolutly fine that you love that guy who makes you see the world a different way everytime you talk to him. Even if you still don't know his last name.

Every dating relationship has a "bliss" period. Followed by that one key moment. An arguement, or a mistake, or a disagreement. You find yourself in a postition where it would be easier, simpler, and less painful to stop calling him and simply move to the next guy. Because staying means ignoring your pain, and vunerability. Acknowledging that you are willingly walking into a situation where he can do it again, and not caring.

Having faith that this pain is worth it. And that sacrafising a lil pain could lead to years of happiness.

That's faith.

And it doesn't come immediatly. You sacrafice and get hurt anyways. He cheats on you again. Or you continue to keep him at arms length while he tries to love you. It all happens anyways. But lil by lil you get better at it. You take one step towards growing into who you are meant to be.

But if you fight to not love, isn't that an actual effort to go in the opposite direction?

I'm in a place now where I know I want love, life, marriage, and kids.......someday. But I'm not ready for it. I don't want to size up girls to fit my needs. I'm content to wake up one day and find myself there. Not knowing when that day will be, or who that girl will be. It could be a girl who doesn't even speak my language, or it could be a girl I hated in High School, or you. I'm not suppose to know. This is suppose to stay a risk and a gamble.

But never regret your love and your efforts, it will NEVER get you there.

I was a tad drunk, and still am. He's even worse. But he'll live. And I think he's gonna be okay. I regret that I ever hated that he got me involved in this. That I bitched about it. I hope if I ever stumble down my path someone gives me what I need to continue. Even if it gets them as mad as I was.

On a side note: Lilo and Stitch RULE. If Stitch was human he'd be me.....only blue......and hence not human......whatever.

Also I still don't like strip clubs. I don't have anything against the people there. I just know for a fact that surrounding yourself with an environment like that can't be good after a while. So I'll always remember what that business is capable of. But the girls were nice. I didn't pay them a dime for myself, I paid for my buddy tho. But I was respectful about it. And they chilled with me anyways. It's always healthy to leave appearances at the door and be a deviant. It was therapy for him.

Oh and I had one glass of Japanese Rice Wine for the first time ever today.........smooth.

I'm definatly going again once me and a friend get our calendars in a row. Replace "calendars" with "ducks" and that sentance will make sense.

Ok I'm sobering up so I need a beer and then I'm playing Halo. Sorry about the love advice/rant but everyonce in a while I need to be serious. And this is my diary not yours