cap

Long post to make up for lack there of. An explanation to my absence.

God!! Circumstances, fate, god, whatever, are really trying to piss me off this week. As if I'm not strained enough from going to the hospital and seeing my sister in a very dangerous medical situation, I get completly blindsided while there.

It's not fair.

Guess who works at the hospital? Just guess.

I finally have my life just the way I want it. Give or take a cadilac and a hot Italian brunette. And most importantly I have finally deleted all traces of my old life. Old ties, Gone. Old friends/mortal enemies, Gone. Old habits, like being unable to sleep with ppl in the room, Gone. And thank god too, that habit was making it impossible to sleep after sex.

And old girlfriends specificaly the only girl I unfortunatly ever fell in with..............

FUCKFUCKFIGGIDYFUCK.

Not now not fucking now. I may be a lil more capable than the last guy, but even I have my limits.

I turn the corner and she's there. All gorgeous and god given beauty. It's a contest to see which one of us looks more scared and shocked. I am honestly having trouble breathing and she's looking for something to prove the moment isn't real and just in her head. Like a pink elephant or something. It's been years and I still read her like I was born to. I know that's what she's doing. I have my scared expression on now. Which is basically all focus. I get scared and I get all intense scowly. Ever since I was a kid. My mom said I was always defiant of what scared me, I refused to look away or cry.

She sees the face and smiles a tiny smile because she knows. Damn her. This is why I can't be friends with Ex's. From day one I'm honest and open about everything. I hide nothing. In a month a girl can learn all my intimate secrets, knowledge I don't share with friends. Its a level of intimacy I can't go back from. So once it's over, they know to much to be friends.

She's the worst. She was born knowing me. How I am. She's been away but I know she can porbalby understand all the new things like she was there for them. How dare she smile and read me so easily.

Dammit

And she actually confronted me. It's official, I can't face a female version of myself. They are far too ....everything!!

Hi, she says quietly. That lil shy way that makes people think she's shy when I know better. This girl isn't the least bit intimidated by anything. She's got that innocent lack of fear like children do.

I just stand there looking at her silently.

I think your mouth is broken. Wanna try again? Hi, Cap"

"Dion" I say quietly. She's caught me in a very vunerable moment and I know I'm screwed and I can't stand being that vunerable. But I'll be damned if I let her know it. But...she knows anyways.

Don't be like that. You don't wear worry well. Never have." EVIL PSYCIC BITCH!!!!

What are you doing here, D?"

I'm a visitor dressed as a nurse, I even have a pair of secret elite nurse-only underwear I stole. I work here, nerd."

She called me nerd. Years ago I'd be glowing when she said that. Now it just stings.

U?"

Gotta lie. Can't let her know sis is here. Can't.

Girl"

For those of you who know me, as witty and charming as I am. For me to be toyed with this much and still not been sarcastic yet, is barely possible.

I see. I'm working now....but I wanna see you. I.."

Why" rudely interupting, she just bats it off and continues as if I complimented her. Christ! The only girl on the planet who can do this. Lord where have I strayed to be punished so?

U know why." She says calmly then makes the look, the eye contact that melts me. The look that as far as I remember she has only given to her father and me. It's the daddy lil girl look that says, Spare me the punishment long enuff to see what I brought u dad and you'll love me for it.

Your going to give me your # and we're gonna grab a bite, somewhere not to quiet and private, the mall prolly." thats where I got the word btw, "I'll call you and you show. We can do this then." And she hands me her cell.

I look at it and see it explode in my hand. Only it doesnt'. I see me break it, only I don't. I dumbly type in my numbers while she smiles at me.

Good lil nerd, I can hear her think. I hate it when she gets all mature and motherly. Expecting me to obey, cuz I FUCKING DO. I hand her back the phone. She is also where I picked up the " do not cause drama at my work or do anything that'll distract me from work" attitude.

I call, you answer, we eat. See you next week or so, love. Bye, and be nicer next time." and walks away, her walk is a lil shaky, actually a lot shaky. I know she's gonna turn the corner and break down. I wanna chase after and apologize. I wanna ......
SHE SAID LOVE!!!!!!

I hate that we're treating this like a drug deal. Public places. Plenty of witnesses. No emotional or romantic settings. Have we come this far down the wrong path? I hate even more that she said "love".

Took her forever to say it when we were dating. Sadly it took me longer. She is anal about that word and saying it only when she means it. For her to still say it............

In the house that is my heart there are many rooms with locked doors. Many lead to memories. Some lead to emotions that are off limits. In one room there is a series of years that I lived. In that locked room is a safe. In that safe is a jar labeled DION. In the jar is a swarm of killer bees. I feel like someone just opened the jar. Now bees are flying around random rooms at random times causing chaos. I'm at work and suddenly BZZZZZZZ and I can't stop thinking of her. God forgive me, I'm suppose to be there for my sis and I'm worrying about this new fucked situation I've got to size up, handle, and eliminate.

I'm very annoyed the jar has been opened. Why did u open that? Can't you take a hint? It was in a safe. In a locked room. WTF!

She wasn't even a memory anymore she was gone. Poof not anything to me anymore. Now....

I can still feel her. I still have that feeling. Like she's the chosen one. The one on the planet put here to figure me out. Who understands me. Who knows that I need to be how I am to accomplish what I have to do. I can still feel her like she was a part of me. Still read her thoughts.

But at the same time. I don't want her. She blew it. She got her chance and wasted it with me. It's someone elses turn. Someone who deserves it more. Someone who wants to earn it. Someone who knows they are lucky, and doesnt wanna risk a blessing.

Christ I hate waves in my pond.

Song

I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, aisle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave.

Can't remember, what went wrong last September
Though I'm sure that you'd remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in

I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
they throw me, high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, say

She thinks I can't see the smile that she's fakin'
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back.