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Have you ever discovered something about yourself that changed EVERYTHING?

Not an epiphany per se, because that implies an overpowering answer to a question. This is more like a very bright and exposing light showing you things you didn't question or want to know.

Find out you were gay? Or had a medical condition? How about adopted?

Suddenly you look back at everything and it's all different. Like watching a foreign film a second time after you've learned the language. Same memory, same images, VERY different observations.

A few weeks ago I was watching tv. I like certain kind of shows more than others. This new show touches the same topic I've seen a hundred times before. But the character says something different. To be specific, he fucking quoted a lot of the things I say in my head.

I always knew I was different, but..........

TV is unreliable, especially fictional representations. So what's next?

Wikipedia.

That was an unsettling read.

Next is some governmentmedicalplace.com. Official site, full of definitions, symptoms, etc

"This is me"

So now I know what I am. But I have so many questions. And as much as I would welcome being wrong or over reacting, I know I'm not. There's that giving up feeling. You know that feeling when you realize something unwanted is true and your shoulders sag and you just......stop fighting it. You know it's true. I know it's true. But everything I read says I HAVE to behave a certain way. Do certain things. Want certain wants. I don't. Some of it is so spot on, but some of it isn't. I hope this means something possitive. Some of these syptoms are there but some of these things I don't experience.

But here's the main concern. If it's true, it's not going away. I'm gonna be like this forever. It's both bad and good. I've spent my whole life trying to fix something while at the same time hide it from everyone. And they see it. You meet me and somethings....off. Now I know I can't fix it, so there's this .....relief that I don't have to try anymore. Then there's the other part of it.

I have to lie, forever. Wear a mask, forever. Fake it, forever. I don't want to do that. I don't want to lie, and fake, and pretend, and betray. I don't want to constantly make promises my lie requires, knowing I will always be faking. Never actually, being on the same page as people around me. Alone in a room of people. Wanting to relate, knowing I never can, but with practice I can make them think I can.

I don't want to buy donuts everyday and smile.

Of course I can't tell anyone. I can't tell you. A site full of straights, gays, modified, openminded everthings and I can't tell you what I am. Cuz that's the one thing that's taboo everywhere. Even though I'm not hurting anyone.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I have something "close" to it. Maybe the differences are the KEY differences that make me ok. But I don't think so. I was convinced before I had even finished reading. They were practically writing about me.