so i finally posted a new blog on myspace...and gave it a lovely title which is mainly an inside joke at work & such...but...twas...
technicolor puppies in handcuffs
i ifnd it odd how much i used to post there & how easily i have abandoned it...but i did want to share slight parts of said blog with you all...you can read the whole thing there if you like...
"i've been disappointed with certain aspects of my life lately that involve me not payin enough attention cuz i slightly don't care & have much,much better things to do with my time...but i must learn to admitt when i have to pretend to be a responsible adult i suppose & save playtime for when i can afford it...sometimes i get sooo tired of certain aspects of my life bein like a freakin high school...i hated high school....but can't seem to escape it's evil mentality at times....
i still despise ohio, don't get me worng....but at least i have my puppy and the friends i've made that make it seem much more tolerable...i really hope something happens soon to change things cuz i'm tired of feelin slightly stuck....
someone important to me recently discussed how they wanted to think about the future & have plans...i don't really have plans for such but would love to..i tend to be an uncertain person when it come to what i want and as i evolve, notice -i shall not say grow up, i realize this needs to change...i do want some things...but i always fear the things i want are unrealistic & i am undeserving..i've always been good at doubting myself i know..and i shall never want these things i want to be conflicts of interest when other importance is involved..."
pardon my blasphemy sgesus...but tis true about the ohio loathin
i really do wish i had some kind of a plan or formula for one so that direction may be a part of my life...i had always thought that the path i had taken to this point would continue to carry me on & that i would be able to make it places in the company cuz i cared not but to let the wind pick up my feet & carry me where it would please...but that was before ohio...i was displeased to even find myself here & fear that just goin may lead me to worse....and i learned through the pain that this place caused that i don't want to be alone in such adventures if i do decide to undertake them...my friend chad always made it look so easy...but that's cuz he has someone who shall always follow him blindly...i do terrible by myself at even the most remedial tasks involved with moving & establishin myself...for fuck's sake...twas here in this state for well over a year before i really even began to forge new friendships...i've always been okay with my cancerous side...stayin in the shell & harboring depression inside my solitary existence worked... but i have learned things in the last 10 or so months that just point out how unacceptable such things are when there is so much more loveliness out there to be held dear...and now that i'm at this point of bein able to continue my path in the company maybe, i know i'm bein far too picky about where i go for it to happen soon...and i don't even think i want it to happen anymore...and i dare say i do want someone to follow me blindly or allow me to do the same to them...
so i've rambled lots...but i have decided to leave you with a poem...i wrote it over a year & a half ago...it still holds true today & sums up lots of what i just said i suppose...
follow me blindly into the sun
if neither of us looks, maybe it'll be lots of fun
the bright white burning intensity is more tolerable when blanketed
something else to dim it if only a little
follow me blindly into the sun
maybe someday all the work will be done
but unwittingly it seems to be
something i shall never think of me
follow me blindly into the sun
when all alone, seems there is no place to truly run
so if anyone is receiveing, this offer still stands
the flowing hourglass and immeasurable sands
follow me blindly into the sun
EDIT:after i posted this....i became stalked by the evil bitch of time & her monstrous posse inlcudin irony esp....i am faced with an option to make plans...not important plans mind you in the scheme of life...but important to me that i've been wantin to make...insignificant to most...but not to me...so i attempt to research for such and hear one of the saddest most frustratin things i think i've heard in awhile...."what if i'm not around?...could you just go without me?"...of course i can do it alone...i am accustomed to such but don't want to be anymore...and now i've months to wrestle with this feelin of impendin doom again...and i shall prolly be left to go alone...as usual....and i expected such a preidcament i'm sure...but it's always worse when vocalized & when accompanied by the evil bitch of time so she may torment me in my imagined slights for many many days to come...and her pal of uncertainty tis never too kind either...i know i have issues.... 
technicolor puppies in handcuffs
i ifnd it odd how much i used to post there & how easily i have abandoned it...but i did want to share slight parts of said blog with you all...you can read the whole thing there if you like...
"i've been disappointed with certain aspects of my life lately that involve me not payin enough attention cuz i slightly don't care & have much,much better things to do with my time...but i must learn to admitt when i have to pretend to be a responsible adult i suppose & save playtime for when i can afford it...sometimes i get sooo tired of certain aspects of my life bein like a freakin high school...i hated high school....but can't seem to escape it's evil mentality at times....
i still despise ohio, don't get me worng....but at least i have my puppy and the friends i've made that make it seem much more tolerable...i really hope something happens soon to change things cuz i'm tired of feelin slightly stuck....
someone important to me recently discussed how they wanted to think about the future & have plans...i don't really have plans for such but would love to..i tend to be an uncertain person when it come to what i want and as i evolve, notice -i shall not say grow up, i realize this needs to change...i do want some things...but i always fear the things i want are unrealistic & i am undeserving..i've always been good at doubting myself i know..and i shall never want these things i want to be conflicts of interest when other importance is involved..."
pardon my blasphemy sgesus...but tis true about the ohio loathin
i really do wish i had some kind of a plan or formula for one so that direction may be a part of my life...i had always thought that the path i had taken to this point would continue to carry me on & that i would be able to make it places in the company cuz i cared not but to let the wind pick up my feet & carry me where it would please...but that was before ohio...i was displeased to even find myself here & fear that just goin may lead me to worse....and i learned through the pain that this place caused that i don't want to be alone in such adventures if i do decide to undertake them...my friend chad always made it look so easy...but that's cuz he has someone who shall always follow him blindly...i do terrible by myself at even the most remedial tasks involved with moving & establishin myself...for fuck's sake...twas here in this state for well over a year before i really even began to forge new friendships...i've always been okay with my cancerous side...stayin in the shell & harboring depression inside my solitary existence worked... but i have learned things in the last 10 or so months that just point out how unacceptable such things are when there is so much more loveliness out there to be held dear...and now that i'm at this point of bein able to continue my path in the company maybe, i know i'm bein far too picky about where i go for it to happen soon...and i don't even think i want it to happen anymore...and i dare say i do want someone to follow me blindly or allow me to do the same to them...
so i've rambled lots...but i have decided to leave you with a poem...i wrote it over a year & a half ago...it still holds true today & sums up lots of what i just said i suppose...
follow me blindly into the sun
if neither of us looks, maybe it'll be lots of fun
the bright white burning intensity is more tolerable when blanketed
something else to dim it if only a little
follow me blindly into the sun
maybe someday all the work will be done
but unwittingly it seems to be
something i shall never think of me
follow me blindly into the sun
when all alone, seems there is no place to truly run
so if anyone is receiveing, this offer still stands
the flowing hourglass and immeasurable sands
follow me blindly into the sun
EDIT:after i posted this....i became stalked by the evil bitch of time & her monstrous posse inlcudin irony esp....i am faced with an option to make plans...not important plans mind you in the scheme of life...but important to me that i've been wantin to make...insignificant to most...but not to me...so i attempt to research for such and hear one of the saddest most frustratin things i think i've heard in awhile...."what if i'm not around?...could you just go without me?"...of course i can do it alone...i am accustomed to such but don't want to be anymore...and now i've months to wrestle with this feelin of impendin doom again...and i shall prolly be left to go alone...as usual....and i expected such a preidcament i'm sure...but it's always worse when vocalized & when accompanied by the evil bitch of time so she may torment me in my imagined slights for many many days to come...and her pal of uncertainty tis never too kind either...i know i have issues....
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
im a planner. seriously, it's almost sick but i also feel that im undeserving of things. you and i both need to stop this craziness. of course we deserve great things damn it! just figure out what one thing you want moer than anything out, even if you think it is silly, and start going toward it! even if you don't end up doing what you originally wanted to, it will have helped you move in a positive direction! much love hun and good luck! (oh and add me on myspace! erikablair13
A dumb story, but I remembered it. I was glad the bunny was safe, but sad that the bunny had to go to Ohio. You have been the best thing about my being here. If and when I choose to leave, it will not be by surprise, and there will be choices to make as the future develops. Just because "what if's" are being made does not mean it's the worst to come. If you were able to come here for good reason, you can go anywhere.