so last night, my introspection was tremendous & overwhelming....so i typed this amazingly long journal entry that was a fantastic articulation of my plagues and maybe even slight solutions....but then somehow, the window got closed before i posted and it's all gone now... 
...so i'm left to start all over with lots of stuffs inside my head...but i do now add new things to the list and much more to contemplate, as if i needed such...i find myself ever so annoyed by the world of adulthood it seems...the vile & evil monsters of the possee that hunt me such as fear, regret, responsibility, doubt, & such make it difficult sometimes to see the bright side....i have such a love/hate relationship with my job...and i do often admitt that i worry that my devotion to it & inability to ever escape it leads me to be slightly defined by it...i want so much more as of late that i never thought i would...i think the last 6 and half years have slightly desensitized & zombified me while making me neglectful of any life outside of the one that pays me...i want to be proud of more than the fact that i can scoop popcorn at an insanely fast rate while boiling oil adds to the collection of burns & scars on my arms...i want to know i'm awesome at more than just splicing film, counting back change, & executing some of the most convincin fake enthusiasms with my thank you's, have a nice day's, & fake interest in the lives of those who help pay the bills...i sound very bitter in all this, but don't get me wrong...i have my job and partially love it cuz i always thought the movie going experience was such a magical thing when i was younger...and i truly believe i work hard to ensure that this belief is passed on to others...it's just that bein hunted by this plague of my monster possee makes it hard to keep the love from bein overshadowed...and sometimes i think, i just need one weekend like the old days- the crazy chaos that i thought would be spidey kinda weekends- to keep the burn away & respark the intensity that the love used to hold..i hate wonderin constantly if my devotion to it is misplaced & undeserved...i ramble incessantly it seems....but movin on...
my evil moster possee tries hard to hunt me down & tackle me...it enjoys it's attempts at restraints & my struggle against such...i will always be the first to admitt i 'm not perfect...but i do know that i've come a loooong way since the days of bein a near shut-in save for the 3am grocery store trips i'd be forced to make ever so often...i used to not be beyond wallowing in sadness...i tend to not be such a victim of that monster as i ever used to be...but that's not to say she doesn't still stalk me & sometimes catches up...sometimes i think i need to streamline things...not just with my job...or with my mind....or my life....just in general...i seek to make people happy...i want things to be proud of....i know that some will say that you have to make you happy or some bullshit in reponse to some of this...but you know, i truly am happy even though my monsters stalk me & make me seem otherwise at times...
there will always be parts of one's personality that can't always be appeased or allowed free expression...but that's not to say such things aren't attempted...but that's life i think...everyone who ever reads this stuffs knows i seek girls, but only find a slight tease or a wink and no real satisfaction...bein a bisexual who used to consider it a 70/30 ratio makes this failure quite annoying...and now that i've found many people who embrace that part of me, it makes it even more disappointin that i can't embrace it myself...i get exasperated at the failure of my attempts and do admitt that sometimes i don't attempt much due to the appeasement i get from the 30 part of that ratio that has caused said ratio to go to 50/50...i also miss club life, wearin out my boogie shoes, & shakin my groove thing.......i miss gay bars & bein a slight fag hag...i do miss my feast of friends....but in all these disappointments i mention, i think i'm makin great progress in comparision to a year ago...i have some people to fit into the friends catergory & am workin hard to expand my circle...i have someone wonderful in my life who sees all my faults & embraces me all the same....here's hopin i shall continue to enjoy embrace & find others to take part in it too...and kudos to all that made it through this reading...tis a long ramblin indeed..now some fun....
i wish my theatre had something cool like this....
but this one is my fave....
i won't even post the only lame one i could find for my theatre chain...it's sad indeed....
and i know most of my pictures aren't that great cuz they're self-portraits, but i have agreed to let someone take pics of me lately...i'm usually camera shy unless it's a candid shot or me goin crazy at the playground..but...here's to knowin someone might do me justice
...so i'm left to start all over with lots of stuffs inside my head...but i do now add new things to the list and much more to contemplate, as if i needed such...i find myself ever so annoyed by the world of adulthood it seems...the vile & evil monsters of the possee that hunt me such as fear, regret, responsibility, doubt, & such make it difficult sometimes to see the bright side....i have such a love/hate relationship with my job...and i do often admitt that i worry that my devotion to it & inability to ever escape it leads me to be slightly defined by it...i want so much more as of late that i never thought i would...i think the last 6 and half years have slightly desensitized & zombified me while making me neglectful of any life outside of the one that pays me...i want to be proud of more than the fact that i can scoop popcorn at an insanely fast rate while boiling oil adds to the collection of burns & scars on my arms...i want to know i'm awesome at more than just splicing film, counting back change, & executing some of the most convincin fake enthusiasms with my thank you's, have a nice day's, & fake interest in the lives of those who help pay the bills...i sound very bitter in all this, but don't get me wrong...i have my job and partially love it cuz i always thought the movie going experience was such a magical thing when i was younger...and i truly believe i work hard to ensure that this belief is passed on to others...it's just that bein hunted by this plague of my monster possee makes it hard to keep the love from bein overshadowed...and sometimes i think, i just need one weekend like the old days- the crazy chaos that i thought would be spidey kinda weekends- to keep the burn away & respark the intensity that the love used to hold..i hate wonderin constantly if my devotion to it is misplaced & undeserved...i ramble incessantly it seems....but movin on...
my evil moster possee tries hard to hunt me down & tackle me...it enjoys it's attempts at restraints & my struggle against such...i will always be the first to admitt i 'm not perfect...but i do know that i've come a loooong way since the days of bein a near shut-in save for the 3am grocery store trips i'd be forced to make ever so often...i used to not be beyond wallowing in sadness...i tend to not be such a victim of that monster as i ever used to be...but that's not to say she doesn't still stalk me & sometimes catches up...sometimes i think i need to streamline things...not just with my job...or with my mind....or my life....just in general...i seek to make people happy...i want things to be proud of....i know that some will say that you have to make you happy or some bullshit in reponse to some of this...but you know, i truly am happy even though my monsters stalk me & make me seem otherwise at times...
there will always be parts of one's personality that can't always be appeased or allowed free expression...but that's not to say such things aren't attempted...but that's life i think...everyone who ever reads this stuffs knows i seek girls, but only find a slight tease or a wink and no real satisfaction...bein a bisexual who used to consider it a 70/30 ratio makes this failure quite annoying...and now that i've found many people who embrace that part of me, it makes it even more disappointin that i can't embrace it myself...i get exasperated at the failure of my attempts and do admitt that sometimes i don't attempt much due to the appeasement i get from the 30 part of that ratio that has caused said ratio to go to 50/50...i also miss club life, wearin out my boogie shoes, & shakin my groove thing.......i miss gay bars & bein a slight fag hag...i do miss my feast of friends....but in all these disappointments i mention, i think i'm makin great progress in comparision to a year ago...i have some people to fit into the friends catergory & am workin hard to expand my circle...i have someone wonderful in my life who sees all my faults & embraces me all the same....here's hopin i shall continue to enjoy embrace & find others to take part in it too...and kudos to all that made it through this reading...tis a long ramblin indeed..now some fun....
i wish my theatre had something cool like this....
but this one is my fave....
i won't even post the only lame one i could find for my theatre chain...it's sad indeed....
and i know most of my pictures aren't that great cuz they're self-portraits, but i have agreed to let someone take pics of me lately...i'm usually camera shy unless it's a candid shot or me goin crazy at the playground..but...here's to knowin someone might do me justice
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hows things??