I'm stronger than this. I know I am.
So why am I still hung up about it? Why do I stupidly and yet willingly get into sexual relationships with emotionally unavailable men? Especially with extremely attractive, makes-me-weak-in-the knees kind of men?
Maybe it's because I'm a masochist. Maybe it's because I'm too impulsive for my own good. Maybe it's because I haven't had a decent lay in months and I wanna have some mind-blowing sex already, even if it is with no strings attached. Not that I haven't had no-strings-attached sex in the past (my freshman and sophomore years in college were full of flings), but I thought I was at a point in my life where I was over that meaningless shit. I guess not.
I'm not blind. I'm not dumb. I know that choosing to get involved with a 30-yr-old ex-alcoholic with some serious emotional baggage (including an ex-wife and a kid!) is not the smartest or healthiest thing for me to doing. To top it off, he's my downstairs fucking neighbor. How's that for convenience?
This whole lovely situation already reeks of impending disaster and drama. Add in the fact that he seems to have no morals or sexual inhibitions whatsoever. Add in the fact that despite all his obvious shortcomings, I'm still madly in lust with him. Add in the fact that he flirts with our other girl neighbors all the time (I know he wants to fuck one of them), and it's driving me crazy. I hate feeling jealous. That's so not me. I don't even like him in that way (I don't want anything besides sex either), but I can't help feeling "territorial." I was here first, and now these new chicks have to move in and set the loins of all our single guy neighbors on fire. Seriously - the whole dynamic of our little OB complex has changed. It's no longer neighborly, but flirty. I don't like it one bit. I feel invisible.
Oh, yes, that is definitely a recipe for forseeable doom. All the ingredients have already been added, and now they're simmering just beneath the surface... sooner or later, I know that shit's gonna boil over and it'll blow up in my face. I already feel it.
I know I'm being childish. If I had any common sense, I wouldn't have gotten myself involved with this 30-yr-old sexgod in the first place. Yes, I said SEXGOD. I swear I get wet just sitting near him. That's the fucking problem. My voracious sexual appetite tends to win out over my common sense all the time. I know, I know. I'm being so stupid. I'm only digging myself into a deeper hole... soon it'll be my fucking grave if I don't get my act together.
I know that I'm better than this. WAY WAY better. Then why am I settling for this bullshit? This isn't the first time I've done it either. Seems to be a fucking recurring pattern of involvement with loser guys. Again, the masochist in me. What is it with me and always wanting what I can't have?
Oh god, I've become such a cliche.
What a nightmare. I'm really patting myself on the back for this one. Thank god for anti-deppressants, or I think I'd be a complete nutcase.
A jealous, eccentric, psychotically fucked-up nutcase.
So why am I still hung up about it? Why do I stupidly and yet willingly get into sexual relationships with emotionally unavailable men? Especially with extremely attractive, makes-me-weak-in-the knees kind of men?
Maybe it's because I'm a masochist. Maybe it's because I'm too impulsive for my own good. Maybe it's because I haven't had a decent lay in months and I wanna have some mind-blowing sex already, even if it is with no strings attached. Not that I haven't had no-strings-attached sex in the past (my freshman and sophomore years in college were full of flings), but I thought I was at a point in my life where I was over that meaningless shit. I guess not.
I'm not blind. I'm not dumb. I know that choosing to get involved with a 30-yr-old ex-alcoholic with some serious emotional baggage (including an ex-wife and a kid!) is not the smartest or healthiest thing for me to doing. To top it off, he's my downstairs fucking neighbor. How's that for convenience?
This whole lovely situation already reeks of impending disaster and drama. Add in the fact that he seems to have no morals or sexual inhibitions whatsoever. Add in the fact that despite all his obvious shortcomings, I'm still madly in lust with him. Add in the fact that he flirts with our other girl neighbors all the time (I know he wants to fuck one of them), and it's driving me crazy. I hate feeling jealous. That's so not me. I don't even like him in that way (I don't want anything besides sex either), but I can't help feeling "territorial." I was here first, and now these new chicks have to move in and set the loins of all our single guy neighbors on fire. Seriously - the whole dynamic of our little OB complex has changed. It's no longer neighborly, but flirty. I don't like it one bit. I feel invisible.
Oh, yes, that is definitely a recipe for forseeable doom. All the ingredients have already been added, and now they're simmering just beneath the surface... sooner or later, I know that shit's gonna boil over and it'll blow up in my face. I already feel it.
I know I'm being childish. If I had any common sense, I wouldn't have gotten myself involved with this 30-yr-old sexgod in the first place. Yes, I said SEXGOD. I swear I get wet just sitting near him. That's the fucking problem. My voracious sexual appetite tends to win out over my common sense all the time. I know, I know. I'm being so stupid. I'm only digging myself into a deeper hole... soon it'll be my fucking grave if I don't get my act together.
I know that I'm better than this. WAY WAY better. Then why am I settling for this bullshit? This isn't the first time I've done it either. Seems to be a fucking recurring pattern of involvement with loser guys. Again, the masochist in me. What is it with me and always wanting what I can't have?
Oh god, I've become such a cliche.
What a nightmare. I'm really patting myself on the back for this one. Thank god for anti-deppressants, or I think I'd be a complete nutcase.
A jealous, eccentric, psychotically fucked-up nutcase.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
xoxo
-Dimmi
[Edited on Oct 03, 2005 9:51PM]
The more fucked up it is, the more fun it is. I'm not shure that'll ever change. If you've tried being with someone as close to the edge as he is, other people won't keep your interrested in them very long and blablabla... I can only talk for the people around me and myself. I say go with it until your body tells you no as well. That's when you know it's totally over.
Sounds like an adventure anyways (in that movie kind of way...)
Good luck