I cried the whole way home from art class tonight. Once I started crying, I just couldn't stop... I was fucking bawling my damn eyes out. So much for those fucking anti-depressants. They aren't fucking working lately. DAMMIT.
I was already in a foul mood cuz of shit I talked about with my therapist earlier in the day, and then I just got so sad after seeing a certain someone that I just couldn't help it. My eyes gave out, and the tears started flowing like a rainstorm. I cried about him, I cried about all the shit going on in my life right now, I cried about all my financial debts that have me way in over my head, I cried about my loneliness, I cried about all the things I wouldn't let myself cry about for weeks.
I hate myself for even caring. Why can't I be a heartless bitch like all the self-involved bastards who haven't given two shits about me? God, I'm so pathetic sometimes. Here I go again, letting my heart get in the way as usual... and the sad thing is, I never seem to learn. And it NEVER gets easier.
When I got home, I was really tempted to cut, and I still am, but I'm biting my lip and holding my hands down. I'm always too impulsive, and whenever I feel shitty, like tonight, I tend to run to the most self-destructive thing I can do to myself to ease the pain somehow. Don't question, it works for me. Relieves the ache. Call it a demented form of self-medication. Yeah, I'm fucked up, I already knew that. At least I can put it out there. I'm not afraid to admit my vices.
...but I am afraid of completely losing myself to them.
I was already in a foul mood cuz of shit I talked about with my therapist earlier in the day, and then I just got so sad after seeing a certain someone that I just couldn't help it. My eyes gave out, and the tears started flowing like a rainstorm. I cried about him, I cried about all the shit going on in my life right now, I cried about all my financial debts that have me way in over my head, I cried about my loneliness, I cried about all the things I wouldn't let myself cry about for weeks.
I hate myself for even caring. Why can't I be a heartless bitch like all the self-involved bastards who haven't given two shits about me? God, I'm so pathetic sometimes. Here I go again, letting my heart get in the way as usual... and the sad thing is, I never seem to learn. And it NEVER gets easier.
When I got home, I was really tempted to cut, and I still am, but I'm biting my lip and holding my hands down. I'm always too impulsive, and whenever I feel shitty, like tonight, I tend to run to the most self-destructive thing I can do to myself to ease the pain somehow. Don't question, it works for me. Relieves the ache. Call it a demented form of self-medication. Yeah, I'm fucked up, I already knew that. At least I can put it out there. I'm not afraid to admit my vices.
...but I am afraid of completely losing myself to them.
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But I wanted to say thanks for the add. I appreciated the article, too. This should be extra interesting as I am involved with someone who is going through a major jealousy tirade right now over nothing. It's completel-- for lack of a better word-- crazy. I haven't quite finished it, as it's kind of long, but have read enough to where I won't be able to look at her the same this evening.
Check out the new article I posted in my journal. Let me know what you think.
Anyway, I hope you're gonna be OK.
Thanks again for the add.
~IMTO
P.S.- I love talking about art. Next time I'll send some links. Adios.