1>> I used to sleepwalk a lot when I was 5-6 years old. Once I sleepwalked out of my bedroom, which was on the bottom floor in our old house, and LOCKED myself in the garage. I have no idea how I managed that, but I did - and then I promptly smashed my foot against an old vacuum cleaner and woke up in darkness as it roared like a madman. My first thought was, "I've died and gone to hell!! It's the roaring of DEMONS!!" I cried and cried until my parents came down to rescue me. I was so fucking traumatized after that. I no longer sleepwalk.
2>> One of my earliest memories is of my best friend, Ginger, and me when we went hiking with our families down in a local canyon by our neighborhood. Being young, naiive, and oh-so-curious, Ginger and I scampered off by ourselves to find adventure. Ging discovered a "fuzzy" plant and started touching it, and then convinced me to touch it as well. At the end of the day, we were red as all hell and itching of fucking POISON OAK!!
3>> I've known Ginger since I was three years old. We're still close to this day, and have been through a lot together. We both convinced one of our neighbors to eat a doggie biscuit (we told him it was a delicious cookie) and kiss us under the mistletoe, chased boys around the playground in kindergarten, put fruit roll-ups in our mouths and talked with funny accents, pretending that we really came from a foreign country. Kids actually believed us. I even saved Ging once from stepping onto a rattle snake that was lurking behind her!
4>> My first kiss was with my first boyfriend, Mike Sandoval. I was 16 and he was 15. We were in his room and he motioned for me to go sit on his lap. I knew that it was going to be the moment. I was chewing gum at the time, so I got up to throw it away (yeah, I know, real smooth), and then next thing I know, a tongue was being forced into my mouth. My first kiss was a french kiss, and it freaked me out!! I grew to love it later, but at the time it was too much for me to handle. I hated it.
5>> At a desperate, sad, and lonely time in my life, I met three people from an internet dating site (I think it was PerfectMatch.com, I don't remember exactly)... and all three experiences were terrible. I went on a horrible date with the first guy - he was nothing like I had imagined him, and he took me to Pick up Stix of all places. Real classy. I was bored to tears. The second guy was an improvement, and we started messing around, but he only wanted me to give him a blow job. I did, he thought I gave great head, and that was that. The third guy didn't look like his picture, and what's worse, I found out he was in the army. I dislike military guys. I never get along with them. We did end up fooling around though, but since I was on the last day of my period, he absolutely FREAKED out when he noticed A LITTLE DROP of blood. I never saw anyone leave so quickly.
6>> I truly believe in this quote by Nietzsche: "There is always some madness in love. But there is always some reason in madness."
7>> My favorite book is A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. I picked it out randomly at a bookstore because I fell in love with the cover! As an artist, I'm always captivated by graphics first:
This is how it starts:
This book inspired me to make so many changes in my life. No book has ever inspired me more. It is one of the most intense and heart-wrenching books I have ever read. The author has since written a follow-up book called My Friend, Leonard, but I have yet to read it.
8>> In early January of last year, I started going to therapy and taking Lexapro to battle my ongoing bouts of depression. At one of my lowest points, I wrote some personal words of encouragement that I still read over whenever I feel down to this day:
9>> I've always loved Ecstasy. I've had the most amazing, mind-blowing experiences of my life while rolling on the drug. However, I did have one horrible come-down that made me stop doing it for months afterward. After a particularly earth-shattering night of hedonistic pleasure, I started shaking and feeling paronoid and suicidally depressed. These negative feelings were so intense and pervasive that I was willing to do ANYTHING to make them go away. This is when I first started cutting. Then I tried to overdose on pain pills, but I just ended up passing out. I was fine by the next morning, but it was a freaky experience.
10>> There are three guys in my sexual history whose names I don't remember AT ALL. I've racked my brain so many times, but they'll forever be a mystery. That disturbs me.
11>> If I could live inside a painting forever, it would be Wassily Kandinsky's Composition VI of 1913, also known as "The Deluge." Kandinsky has always been one of my favorite artists of all time - he developed an abstract style of painting that was based on the non-representational properties of color and form. He strove to create "pure paintings" that would provide the same emotional power as a musical composition. He used line and color to create dynamism and rhythm reflecting inner human tensions, emotions, and moods, rather than a mere naturalistic representation of objects. In Kandinsky's words, "the creation of the work of art is the creation of the world.
(Black) is like the silence of the body after death, the close of life.
- Wassily Kandinsky, 1911
12>> This is best advice: "Accept things as they come, and appreciate the good that happens to you, even if it doesn't last. Because nothing is forever."
- Kiss of the Spider Woman by Manuel Puig
13>> This is, and will always be, one of my favorite poems because of its simplicity, elegance, and truthfulness:
14>> My baby brother, Mark, died at one years old of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). For those of you who don't know about it, SIDS is the sudden death of an infant which remains unexplained after all known and possible causes have been carefully ruled out through autopsy, death scene investigation, and review of the medical history. Neither parent nor physician can predict that something is going wrong - in fact, most SIDS victims appear healthy prior to death. SIDS can not be prevented either; it just happens without warning. SIDS is responsible for more deaths than any other cause in childhood for babies one month to one year of age. My brother died the day before my 5th birthday. I remember waking up to a house full of police officers. If he were alive today, he'd be 18 years old.
15>> I've decided to make healthier changes in my life - I'm quitting smoking altogether and I'm stopping the whole "fuck buddy" thing with the neighbor. Both are too damn detrimental to my well-being. I really mean it.
16>> I've decided to volunteer for two local San Diego volunteering organizations,
A Reason To Survive (A.R.T.S.) and the Alzheimer's Association. With ARTS, I will be helping children and youth facing adversities by providing expressive opportunities through the visual, performing and literary arts. Art is my passion, and I love children, so I thought this would be a fun experience. As for the Alzheimer's group, my grandmother was diagnosed recently with Alzheimers, and I wanted to learn more about the disease and lend my artistic abilities to their "Making in the Memories" program, which offers dementia patients the opportunity for creative expression through art.
17>> I don't believe in organized religion or in the afterlife. I consider myself an Existentialist and Beat thinker. I believe that man is nothing else but what he makes of himself. I live by these words: "A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. This is the need we may call 'self-actualization.'... it refers to man's desire for fulfillment, namely to the tendency for him to become actually in what he is potentially: to become everything that one is capable of becoming... " - Abraham Maslow
18>> Pictures of my messy room - I'm an artist, I live in organized chaos and work best in cluttered conditions!
Pictures of the collages on my room door and closet door:
19>> I'm looking into getting a second job as a phone sex operator. Seriously. No joke.
20>> Pictures of me before going out on Halloween night! I was a Dominatrix Devil. hehe. So fitting.
I would upload pictures of my full outfit, but I'm thinking of using it for a photoset, so I don't want to show all of it.
My friend, Stephan, dressed up as Willie Wonka.
That, my lovelies, is all for now. Sorry I haven't been around lately. I've been working 4 am shifts at work and it's been killing me. I've been so exhausted this past week that I haven't wanted to do anything besides sleep.
xoxo
get some sleep sweetie........ have a good one