candide

Sara and I had a talk.

Started by going back over the reason why she broke up with me. I've been very depressed about a lot of things for a while. Sara wasn't doing much to help and I was bringing her down. That and my loud sense of humor made her feel uncomfortable.
Also, when she recognized just how close we had become she got scared. Didn't know if she wanted a long term commitment despite how strongly she felt for me.
I asked her if she was still in love with me, as I am with her. She didn't know. Told me that the possibility of us getting back together was low. Her parents being a big obstacle. And not knowing just what she wants she doesn't know if she could get back together with me.

I need someone. To be affectionate with and to be affectionate with me. To hold. Cuddle. I can't explain it any better than that.
But there's no one left. I was lucky enough to get Sara. No one wants me in that way. I'm not physically attractive. I look like a fucking convict and have the misshapen body of a twig. All I am is a brother figure and a casual five minute conversational partner.

Fuck this, I'm giving in to the blade. Puts a stop to the bitching. Stops the constant thoughts flowing through my head. It's the closest to sanity I can get right now.