Wow, been awhile. Lots have happened since the last blog. Really been thinking the last few days of doing a blog but was not sure how in depth I should get. Really had no where to go to rant about this stuff and really the last few months have been going down memory lane and honestly not sure if I am comfortable with the walk into the past, especially with the metoo movement and such. Ok so here we go, not in any order (Im pretty scattered brain and just will do a dump here)
1. Work: going pretty good. Got to do some pretty cool projects as a medic in 2020 and 2021. Learning alot and putting myself out there especially with the Covid stuff. I am part of the Rapid Response Testing crew for some Mines/Forestry and Gas and Oil sites / camps in BC and Alberta.
2. This one is a bit sensitive and really has me tied up in knots not knowing what to do or if I should do anything. It goes back to last year when I did a criminal record check (which I do yearly for my security licenses) I have been doing them for the last 25 years with no problem, except this time when I had it done, something actually showed up which shocked the hell of out me. It showed back 7 - 8 years ago the Police had been investigating me on sexual assault charges. That really confused me since I have been celibate since I was 20 years old! SO seeing this on my record check (for the first time) I called the police to inquire to this. I did not want them showing up at my job to arrest me or anything and also wanted to make sure I fully co-operated with them if they needed me to. Talking to the local police force, I was told the investigation was done in another town and to call the local detachment there for information. I called and talked to a Staff Sargent about the investigation. After him dicking around with vague answers and such I got pissed and told him either he explain what is going on to me now or he can talk to my lawyer after we get a court order making him talk to me. So he relented and let me know that it was a case from back in the 1980's. I was totally taken by surprise on this. Racking my brains I realized that the 80's was my teen years and I did "date" a few girls in the town that the investigation happened. Yes I did have sex with a couple of the girls I had dated back then but it was totally consensual between us. Also of note all the girls ( there were 4 in total over 7 years that I lived in that area) were within 2 years of my age. It really scared me especially with the metoo movement that I was about to get screwed and not in a good way at all. The Staff Sargent explained to me that the investigation was closed as the lady did not want to proceed further after the initial investigation happened. I asked him why they had not come to me back then to get my side of the story. He told me that was the next step, but it was not just to talk to me but to arrest me. Like fuck me sideways! No warning or anything. I am 98% sure I did nothing wrong. I KNOW I did not force anything sexual on anyone. Anyone that knows me knows I am pretty timid when it comes to women. Quite frankly all my life women scare the shit outta me, even now a days its like that, hence my celibacy (embarrassing admission but one I feel should be stated). So asking the Staff Sargent why this showed up on my criminal record check after all these years, he could not answer that. He did say it should not show up as it was only in a primary stage of the investigation and that it was closed. So i got another check done and sure as shit it was not on the check.
Here is what has been bothering me now. With todays Metoo movement and such and the way society is, it has me thinking of how back then during our teen years how things happened and if I did hurt them in anyway be it emotionally, mentally. I know it was not physically as I have never been rough with any woman in my life. I did accidently hit a woman *not my gf at the time* when I waved my hands around while explaining a story and accidently slapped her with the back of my hand. I did not hit her hard, but damn I felt like shit for months afterwards. I actually went into a depression for a few months over the accident (again embarrassing but I feel it should be stated). Anyways I now wonder if I should try to find these girls and talk to them to see if I need to apologize to them or make it up to them for hurting them in anyway or shape. I feel so damn confused about this. Part of me tells me to drop it as if I did really hurt them, they would have letten me know one way or another. But part of me wants to make sure I did not hurt them at all. I know times were different back then compared to now a days, can we really judge back then with todays society's standards? Also it was during our growing up / teen years in which people make mistakes and learn and grow up into the adults we are now a days. Does that make any sense? Or am I totally off base. I hate being confused like this. I really wish I could keep my emotions and feelings locked up so I dont have to deal with them, but this incident with my record check has shooken me up abit.
3. Sorry everyone for such a long and personal rant. I needed to get this off my chest a bit. I did write this up on the Word program, then printed it off and then burned the printed copy (no I did not save it) and thought that might help but it did not. I think I am asking for some advice to help me thru this. I do realize its fairly personal and I dont know you all, but maybe that will help a bit. I might lose followers on this, I might get labeled and forced off SG which I really hope not. But its gonna be a risk I take.
Remember to look after yourselves during this Covid 19 times, look after your friends and family, check in with each other.
Cheers
PolaBear