Bah. I fell up my front steps last night (yes, up... I know) and now I have a huge and painful bruise on my knee and I came this close to probably breaking four of my fingers when I tried to catch myself.
I'm feeling so discouraged about my photography lately. I've had zero time to do anything new because of school, work, and the cold weather. I've gone through this before and it's passed, but every time it happens it's still a huge bother.
I miss Nathan. I miss him like Hell. I know that is really nothing new, but it's been on my mind very heavily lately as I've gotten farther into this new year and know that nothing has changed between us.
Still sleeping together.
And probably what makes this worse is that I know he knows how I feel now after I wrote him that stupid long letter in October.
I don't really understand.
I keep telling myself that the more time that passes he'll realize how stupid all of this is and take me back for something more than occassional company. I know I deserve better. You don't need to tell me this. I know it.
My heart tells me so much different at the same time, though. It tells me to never give up, to hold on, and somehow this will work one.
Someday.
Whether it be days, months, or even years from now
it just has to.
I've been holding on this long and I just can't let go. I've never been so in love with someone before and I wish the fact that he knew that would just change the way things are.
I mean
I don't know if he knows I love him as much as I know I love him....
but I know he knows I care about him and that I'd be willing to pick things up again in a heartbeat. That should at least tell him something.
It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach to think that anyday he could meet some other beautiful girl and that'll be the end and I won't matter a bit.
I makes me nauseous just to write that sentence here.
I'm a beautiful girl, I think.
I don't know.
People tell me this all the time.
People tell me how smart I am, how talented I am, how laid back I am...
all kinds of shit that you never know what to say when told...
but I can't believe it all since if it were true I may not be in the predicament I'm in right now.
I have to be at work at 8am and I know I should go to bed. This school/work schedule is going to be my death but I'm going to be tough and stick it out until it's over in March.
Can't stop now.
I'm feeling so discouraged about my photography lately. I've had zero time to do anything new because of school, work, and the cold weather. I've gone through this before and it's passed, but every time it happens it's still a huge bother.
I miss Nathan. I miss him like Hell. I know that is really nothing new, but it's been on my mind very heavily lately as I've gotten farther into this new year and know that nothing has changed between us.
Still sleeping together.
And probably what makes this worse is that I know he knows how I feel now after I wrote him that stupid long letter in October.
I don't really understand.
I keep telling myself that the more time that passes he'll realize how stupid all of this is and take me back for something more than occassional company. I know I deserve better. You don't need to tell me this. I know it.
My heart tells me so much different at the same time, though. It tells me to never give up, to hold on, and somehow this will work one.
Someday.
Whether it be days, months, or even years from now
it just has to.
I've been holding on this long and I just can't let go. I've never been so in love with someone before and I wish the fact that he knew that would just change the way things are.
I mean
I don't know if he knows I love him as much as I know I love him....
but I know he knows I care about him and that I'd be willing to pick things up again in a heartbeat. That should at least tell him something.
It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach to think that anyday he could meet some other beautiful girl and that'll be the end and I won't matter a bit.
I makes me nauseous just to write that sentence here.
I'm a beautiful girl, I think.
I don't know.
People tell me this all the time.
People tell me how smart I am, how talented I am, how laid back I am...
all kinds of shit that you never know what to say when told...
but I can't believe it all since if it were true I may not be in the predicament I'm in right now.
I have to be at work at 8am and I know I should go to bed. This school/work schedule is going to be my death but I'm going to be tough and stick it out until it's over in March.
Can't stop now.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
We all have our creative blocks, it will pass, I know it will.
Be very careful, you dont want to wait to long, dont let yourself be the right now girl, you do need to take a stand, if you dont start acting like you deserve better then he isnt going to treat you like you deserve better, make him think you are so tuff, he is never going to just change unless you do something to change him.
No matter how smart, how beautiful, how talented a girl or guy is there will always be some one out there who doesnt want them, even if the person who doesnt want them isnt as good looking, or talented or as smart, most young people are always looking for some one better, until some one comes along and makes them think there is no better.
all kinds of shit that you never know what to say when told...
but I can't believe it all since if it were true I may not be in the predicament I'm in right now. "
This has nothing to do with any guy problems. Guys will put a girl's head through hell just to get laid. AND, I've probably done the same at some point in time.
And, I mean...some people are just...TOXIC. Look no further than me and Allie for an example...I'm STILL wrestling with that, myself.
I love you. Stay strong. And you ARE amazing, baybeh! (Chinn doesn't lie!!!!)
Call/Text me soon.