I'm
so sick.
I either have an awful cold
or the flu.
Jake and I have spent a lot of time together lately.
It's really nice.
I stayed with him last night, it's always such a good feeling to be able to fall asleep in someone's arms.
It's too bad we can't just make it official.
But
I'm just going with whatever happens, there's nothing else I can do.
I'm still so scared that he's going to disappear again.
Everytime we part, even just for a few days, I feel incredibly vulnerable and lonely.
I want to feel safe always, not just sometimes.
I guess I've just been hurt and programmed to think that way now.
I'm always scared when I'm alone.
I haven't been on medication in two months and it's really hurting me. I just can't afford to go back to a doctor, and it makes me so angry with our health care system that I have to suffer just because I don't have enough money.
I live in a constant state of fear when there's no one around that I could hold onto. It used to be that I only sometimes felt like that, but lately it's a constant thing.
At work, it's okay because I'm occupied and surrounded and I'm doing something I have to do.
When I'm with friends, it's mostly okay because I know that they're right there and would do anything for me.
But at home, or driving alone or even walking somewhere alone, I feel incredibly frightened.
I'm frightened right now.
Terrified.
And what's awful about that is my father is right across the room from me.
I was never that close to my father, though. And I'm relatively okay with that.
My sister is upstairs but I still feel the same and I don't seek anything from her. I love my sister, she's my... well, sister, but for some reason she can't remove the fear either.
My mother can, but she's hardly ever awake or home because of her job.
I want to go upstairs and lay down in the dark, and I know it won't help, but at the same time I just want to be encased in quiet and darkness.
Maybe hope someone calls me that can make me feel like it's safe.
There's a bottle of anti psychotics in the cabinet in the kitchen but I don't take them because I don't know how much to take and I know I'm just going to run out anyway. They're left over from when I was supposed to take them with the medication that I don't have right now.
It really doesn't help that I feel sick too. Of course when you feel sick you want to feel better and you want someone to help you feel better.
So
it just makes everything worse.
I don't really know what to do about this.
I pray for my phone to ring, but if I look and it's someone I don't feel can help or want to listen then I won't answer it.
I feel
like
I'm insane, actually.
No normal person should feel this way.
But
I guess I'm not normal.
so sick.
I either have an awful cold
or the flu.
Jake and I have spent a lot of time together lately.
It's really nice.
I stayed with him last night, it's always such a good feeling to be able to fall asleep in someone's arms.
It's too bad we can't just make it official.
But
I'm just going with whatever happens, there's nothing else I can do.
I'm still so scared that he's going to disappear again.
Everytime we part, even just for a few days, I feel incredibly vulnerable and lonely.
I want to feel safe always, not just sometimes.
I guess I've just been hurt and programmed to think that way now.
I'm always scared when I'm alone.
I haven't been on medication in two months and it's really hurting me. I just can't afford to go back to a doctor, and it makes me so angry with our health care system that I have to suffer just because I don't have enough money.
I live in a constant state of fear when there's no one around that I could hold onto. It used to be that I only sometimes felt like that, but lately it's a constant thing.
At work, it's okay because I'm occupied and surrounded and I'm doing something I have to do.
When I'm with friends, it's mostly okay because I know that they're right there and would do anything for me.
But at home, or driving alone or even walking somewhere alone, I feel incredibly frightened.
I'm frightened right now.
Terrified.
And what's awful about that is my father is right across the room from me.
I was never that close to my father, though. And I'm relatively okay with that.
My sister is upstairs but I still feel the same and I don't seek anything from her. I love my sister, she's my... well, sister, but for some reason she can't remove the fear either.
My mother can, but she's hardly ever awake or home because of her job.
I want to go upstairs and lay down in the dark, and I know it won't help, but at the same time I just want to be encased in quiet and darkness.
Maybe hope someone calls me that can make me feel like it's safe.
There's a bottle of anti psychotics in the cabinet in the kitchen but I don't take them because I don't know how much to take and I know I'm just going to run out anyway. They're left over from when I was supposed to take them with the medication that I don't have right now.
It really doesn't help that I feel sick too. Of course when you feel sick you want to feel better and you want someone to help you feel better.
So
it just makes everything worse.
I don't really know what to do about this.
I pray for my phone to ring, but if I look and it's someone I don't feel can help or want to listen then I won't answer it.
I feel
like
I'm insane, actually.
No normal person should feel this way.
But
I guess I'm not normal.
I'm sure a lot of people feel that way, I'm sure your not the only one, you are not insane at all. I to feel that way some times.
Well you could call Jake or one of your friends.
Or you could call me 859 358 8053 I will always listen to some one when they need me to.