Now playing: Midnight Juggernauts - "Into The Galaxy"
A new chapter in my life begins and though I'm running on only a few hours sleep, I'll try to keep this as easy to follow as I can.
As a friend leaves town to embark on a three month odyssey that will surely challenge and/or cement her perspective on many aspects of life, I am a mere three weeks away from embarking on my own odyssey, one of independence and re-discovery where I can once again rebuild myself and find satisfaction in what I have made of my life and the person I have become. Since my separation led to the division of my common assets with my then wife, I have been living back at home with Mom, all my possessions squeezed into the basement and part of the garage. Awaiting the completion of my new home has been a trial that I did not expect. Living back at home has impacted me more than I had though it could have and more for the worse than the better, at that. I feel stifled. I feel restrained. I feel like I have not stretched my wings in a very long time and I am restless. And on the horizon I see the gleam of a new life, new potential, new beginnings. I absolutely cannot wait to have my own space, my own home. Somewhere neutral that I can retreat to in order to recharge. Somewhere that I can have my friends over to without feeling like its an intrusion on someone else's peace. Somewhere that I can indulge my eccentricities without restraint. Fuck this is going to be fun!
Its hard to be strong and confident when I'm stuck in a holding pattern, circling the runway endlessly, waiting for my turn to become whole once again. I have changed in the last year, into someone that I'm not happy with. I used to be very happy with who I was and said fuck you to anyone who didn't agree. Now, I suppose that a metamorphosis and a re-awakening of what really matters to me is in order. I feel that certain aspects of my personality are more hindrance than help these days. I'm restless to find myself again and I do not think that what I have become is anything less than a layer to be peeled off. I know the strong self assured man I was is still inside me, albeit burried under an as yet unmeasured amount of shit.
I feel an emptiness in me that I don't like feeling. I thought it was the space left behind by the breakdown of love and I was looking for someone to fill that void not realizing that I have to find peace with myself before I can let someone else in again. I have to rebuild myself. Being stuck in this basement has done nothing to help that cause. In fact, its like a cloud lingering over me casting shadows of doubt on my value as a person and what I deserve from life and those around me. That is no longer the case. I deserve better and that reality is fast on its way. I recently received in the mail, the official divorce order signed and sealed by some judge who I simply adore for having penned his name on the document
My separation and divorce had been weighing heavily on me. It has now come to closure. My ex-wife and I have remained great friends through it all. All it took was 5 years, a marriage and separation to show us that were better off that way 
My sister, who is three years my junior and with whom I have never had much of a relationship, was in town this weekend and I discovered a kinship with her that has filled me with a new warmth. It was amazing to hang out with her and have a few heart to hearts this weekend and it was simply astounding to hear her say "this is what I think, but I can see why you feel/think the way you do". It was the first time that anyone close to me affirmed my point of view like that, not that I don't appreciate and find value in talks with other friends (Triptick you're still at the top of the list dude, fear not ). We spent an awesome Saturday evening together at Phil's for my friend's going away celebration, shared a fairly quiet car ride to the airport this morning after having gotten only 2 and a half hours sleep. I can't quite explain how or why spending this time with my sister has impacted my thinking but it has and I'm very glad for it. She is my blood. She is my friend. She dances like I do.... I had no idea.
Its been a strange time, this last year. I've tried a few new things, a few new ways of thinking and of being, and have found that some of them fit, some don't. It's been up and down, and all around and I feel pretty confident that I'll walk away with a new set of tools to help me through my days. I've seen a few truths about myself that I feel are very important to who I am, what matters to me and what I need from life and those around me. Some of these truths are not conducive to happiness. Some are. Interestingly, I've learned a little more about the difference between what it is that I value in a lover, in a friend, and in a partner and what it is that I can not accept in the same. Its time to sort out the useful from the useless and nail down what it is that I truly want from life, from sex and love and from those around me.
So here I sit feeling a little sad and a little empty, as my friend and all the great things about her are gone from my life, however temporary or permanent that may turn out to be. A little glad, as I can see the glow of a new beginning on the horizon. A little excited as I don't know what will happen in the next few months and where it will take me in my life. A little tired as I'm functioning on a mere few hours sleep. (I apologize if this writing makes no sense ) Lastly, I've found a new friendship with my sister. I suppose we're both in a place where we finally understand one another. I can't put any one emotion on that one though.
Cheers to the next few weeks, the next few months, and to the future. Where oh where will it take me?
On a side note, Photoshop crashed on me this weekend. I now have gigs worth of images and no functioning software to edit them with. Grrrr. Stupid software!
Oh, and The Bourne Ultimatum and The Simpsons Movie both rock the casbah. Especially the Bourne movie. Is it me or could Jason Bourne be this generations James Bond? I smell a legend in the making here!
I have also managed to fix the issue with my notebook's optical drive and can once again burn dvd's! Woohoo!!! Now I can back up all the images on my hard drives and stop having nightmares about hard drive crashes
A new chapter in my life begins and though I'm running on only a few hours sleep, I'll try to keep this as easy to follow as I can.
As a friend leaves town to embark on a three month odyssey that will surely challenge and/or cement her perspective on many aspects of life, I am a mere three weeks away from embarking on my own odyssey, one of independence and re-discovery where I can once again rebuild myself and find satisfaction in what I have made of my life and the person I have become. Since my separation led to the division of my common assets with my then wife, I have been living back at home with Mom, all my possessions squeezed into the basement and part of the garage. Awaiting the completion of my new home has been a trial that I did not expect. Living back at home has impacted me more than I had though it could have and more for the worse than the better, at that. I feel stifled. I feel restrained. I feel like I have not stretched my wings in a very long time and I am restless. And on the horizon I see the gleam of a new life, new potential, new beginnings. I absolutely cannot wait to have my own space, my own home. Somewhere neutral that I can retreat to in order to recharge. Somewhere that I can have my friends over to without feeling like its an intrusion on someone else's peace. Somewhere that I can indulge my eccentricities without restraint. Fuck this is going to be fun!
Its hard to be strong and confident when I'm stuck in a holding pattern, circling the runway endlessly, waiting for my turn to become whole once again. I have changed in the last year, into someone that I'm not happy with. I used to be very happy with who I was and said fuck you to anyone who didn't agree. Now, I suppose that a metamorphosis and a re-awakening of what really matters to me is in order. I feel that certain aspects of my personality are more hindrance than help these days. I'm restless to find myself again and I do not think that what I have become is anything less than a layer to be peeled off. I know the strong self assured man I was is still inside me, albeit burried under an as yet unmeasured amount of shit.
I feel an emptiness in me that I don't like feeling. I thought it was the space left behind by the breakdown of love and I was looking for someone to fill that void not realizing that I have to find peace with myself before I can let someone else in again. I have to rebuild myself. Being stuck in this basement has done nothing to help that cause. In fact, its like a cloud lingering over me casting shadows of doubt on my value as a person and what I deserve from life and those around me. That is no longer the case. I deserve better and that reality is fast on its way. I recently received in the mail, the official divorce order signed and sealed by some judge who I simply adore for having penned his name on the document
My separation and divorce had been weighing heavily on me. It has now come to closure. My ex-wife and I have remained great friends through it all. All it took was 5 years, a marriage and separation to show us that were better off that way My sister, who is three years my junior and with whom I have never had much of a relationship, was in town this weekend and I discovered a kinship with her that has filled me with a new warmth. It was amazing to hang out with her and have a few heart to hearts this weekend and it was simply astounding to hear her say "this is what I think, but I can see why you feel/think the way you do". It was the first time that anyone close to me affirmed my point of view like that, not that I don't appreciate and find value in talks with other friends (Triptick you're still at the top of the list dude, fear not
). We spent an awesome Saturday evening together at Phil's for my friend's going away celebration, shared a fairly quiet car ride to the airport this morning after having gotten only 2 and a half hours sleep. I can't quite explain how or why spending this time with my sister has impacted my thinking but it has and I'm very glad for it. She is my blood. She is my friend. She dances like I do.... I had no idea.Its been a strange time, this last year. I've tried a few new things, a few new ways of thinking and of being, and have found that some of them fit, some don't. It's been up and down, and all around and I feel pretty confident that I'll walk away with a new set of tools to help me through my days. I've seen a few truths about myself that I feel are very important to who I am, what matters to me and what I need from life and those around me. Some of these truths are not conducive to happiness. Some are. Interestingly, I've learned a little more about the difference between what it is that I value in a lover, in a friend, and in a partner and what it is that I can not accept in the same. Its time to sort out the useful from the useless and nail down what it is that I truly want from life, from sex and love and from those around me.
So here I sit feeling a little sad and a little empty, as my friend and all the great things about her are gone from my life, however temporary or permanent that may turn out to be. A little glad, as I can see the glow of a new beginning on the horizon. A little excited as I don't know what will happen in the next few months and where it will take me in my life. A little tired as I'm functioning on a mere few hours sleep. (I apologize if this writing makes no sense
) Lastly, I've found a new friendship with my sister. I suppose we're both in a place where we finally understand one another. I can't put any one emotion on that one though.Cheers to the next few weeks, the next few months, and to the future. Where oh where will it take me?
On a side note, Photoshop crashed on me this weekend. I now have gigs worth of images and no functioning software to edit them with. Grrrr. Stupid software!
Oh, and The Bourne Ultimatum and The Simpsons Movie both rock the casbah. Especially the Bourne movie. Is it me or could Jason Bourne be this generations James Bond? I smell a legend in the making here!
I have also managed to fix the issue with my notebook's optical drive and can once again burn dvd's! Woohoo!!! Now I can back up all the images on my hard drives and stop having nightmares about hard drive crashes