Mother's Day.
Fuck this fuckin' holiday.
Yes, it's great for happy mommies, but I'm not too fond of it, myself.
Eight days ago I had the potential to be a mommy. I would have become a mommy around Christmastime. Today was not a good day for me, knowing this.
My mother is also three thousand miles away. I miss her terribly, despite all the trash-talking I do. I don't know that I miss her specifically...but I do know that I miss the familiarity. Perhaps I miss our squabbles. Maybe I just miss what I she has never been to me, that being a real "mommy."
Yes, she gave birth to me. Where was she all those years I needed her? Through my childhood, through puberty, during which I was raped. To this day we haven't talked about it, but not due to a lack of trying on my part.
She never taught me how to put on make-up, or how to do my hair, or anything a girl should learn from her mother. I still don't know how to do make-up.
I love her for whatever reason. It's hard to tell if she loves me.
I always thought she hated me.
Today she spent Mother's Day with her new children, her boyfriend's children. Another distraction from her own flesh and blood.
My 14 year-old brother is to live with her in Philadelphia once the school year is up. I'm going to go crazy with him that far away. He's like my baby. I've practically raised him, more than she has, at least.
Fuck.
Today is not a good day.
I could have been a mommy.
What if I never again have that opportunity?
Fuck this fuckin' holiday.
Yes, it's great for happy mommies, but I'm not too fond of it, myself.
Eight days ago I had the potential to be a mommy. I would have become a mommy around Christmastime. Today was not a good day for me, knowing this.
My mother is also three thousand miles away. I miss her terribly, despite all the trash-talking I do. I don't know that I miss her specifically...but I do know that I miss the familiarity. Perhaps I miss our squabbles. Maybe I just miss what I she has never been to me, that being a real "mommy."
Yes, she gave birth to me. Where was she all those years I needed her? Through my childhood, through puberty, during which I was raped. To this day we haven't talked about it, but not due to a lack of trying on my part.
She never taught me how to put on make-up, or how to do my hair, or anything a girl should learn from her mother. I still don't know how to do make-up.
I love her for whatever reason. It's hard to tell if she loves me.
I always thought she hated me.
Today she spent Mother's Day with her new children, her boyfriend's children. Another distraction from her own flesh and blood.
My 14 year-old brother is to live with her in Philadelphia once the school year is up. I'm going to go crazy with him that far away. He's like my baby. I've practically raised him, more than she has, at least.
Fuck.
Today is not a good day.
I could have been a mommy.
What if I never again have that opportunity?
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
love ya. keep your head up
sweet jesus, you were raped and you've never had the chance to talk about it with your mom. oh darling, i am so sorry. fuck, i don't know what else to say.....
i know you are feeling shitty about what you had to go through 2 weekends past, but it will eventually get better. not to say that you will forget, but you will start to not think about it everyday. in a couple of weeks, it'll be the 4th anniversay for me. it is so hard to believe that i could have had a 3-year-old clinging to me right now. very hard to fathom. but you'll soon come to terms with it and realize that it was for the best. i know that it doesn't make it hurt less now, but it WILL get better, i swear. and if the ease of your experience was any indication, i'm sure you'll be able to bear children in the future. nothing seemed to go wrong, so i don't think you have to worry about that.
again, i am sorry for all that you've gone through. *lots of hugs* but things will be better in the future. you have to believe that or else it'll destroy you. the future is all we have--and it is the only thing that we the power to shape. the horrible past is unfortunately not something we can fix, but if you surround yourself with love TODAY, you have the chance of having a wonderful future. always remember that. you deserve nothing less than love.
[Edited on May 14, 2005 6:57AM]