I went through with the abortion yesterday. Let me give you a run-down of everything that happened.
Friday night I got into a little spat with my sweetheart. He wanted to sleep, whilst I wanted a little love and reassurance due to my state of emotional instability. He didn't really want to say anything reassuring, because he felt like it'd be bullshit because I'm asking him to say it.
"How is it bullshit if you mean it?" I ask.
Apparently it just is.
After over an hour of trying to get him to just love me, I got so pissed off I left. The only problem was, I hadn't driven to his house. So, I walked for about a mile down a dark, scary road where any homeless freak could jump out and rape me.
I finally made it to the Albertson's where I called a billion different numbers to try and find some dirty cabbie to come and pick me up. After I talked to some loser on the phone, I had to wait about a half an hour for the cab to come.
It finally did, I went home, and fell asleep alone in my bed for the first time since I've moved into that house.
I woke up the following morning, and got ready for the day's big event.
Will I walk out the door to see his car there? I wondered.
Alas, I did not.
I hopped in my truck and headed off towards his house. As I pulled up alongside the curb, I noticed his car was running. I got out of my truck, and got in his car. We didn't really say anything for a moment.
"Did you get directions?" I asked.
He said no, and asked if I knew the way. No, is what I told him.
We got directions and went on our way. We sat in near silence. For the longest time down the 15 freeway, I thought about how a well-placed hand on his thigh might break the tension. I wanted so badly just to touch him, or for him to touch me. I needed something. I was a wreck.
Finally, after much debating with myself, I outstretched my arm and began caressing the back of his neck.
Other than reading directions, we were still silent.
When we arrived at the clinic and walked towards the door, a worrisome look spread across my face and he took my hand in his.
We waited forever and ever in that stupid room...filled out paper-work, watched whatever crap they put on the T.V...And finally my name was called.
I was led back into a tiny room by a friendly nurse. She weighed me (ugh), measured my height, checked my blood pressure, and all that jazz.
Finally, I was led into another room, where I was told to remove everything from the waist down and lay on a table with those dreaded foot-rests.
Oh, god, I thought as I stared at the ceiling. I can stand shitty music, but Phil Collins?
Nurses came in and out, taking my blood, asking me questions, checking my blood pressure over and over again, probing my naughty parts for an ultrasound.
Finally the doctor came in. He had about three vials of who-the-fuck-knows-what and injected me with them. Immediately I felt the affects. I got giggly, slightly euphoric, slightly emotional, slightly everything.
The nurse took my hand and lightly rubbed my knee. We talked, and as we did so, the doctor got down to business.
He spread me apart, which felt less than great. As he aspirated my womb, it felt like a scratching sensation mixed with extreme menstrual cramps.
I didn't feel most of it, though. I was too busy socializing and being doped up to care.
"All done," I heard. Wow.
I laid there for a while, wondering how I should feel, and wondering if it was the drugs that was dulling all my emotions or if I sincerely didn't care.
Minutes later, the nurse came back in and helped me dress. She brought in a wheelchair and helped me sit down. She pushed me into the "Recovery Room" and half-lifted me into the comfiest goddamn chair I've ever sat in. It reclined, too!
I laid back with a heating pad on my abdomen, dizzy and dazed.
Before I knew it I was being served 7-UP and graham crackers. I hadn't eaten a thing all day (I wasn't allowed to) so I devoured them both in a matter of seconds.
I wanted my darling. Just to see him, just to have him hold me.
"I'll go call your boyfriend up to the window," a nurse told me. "And he can take you home, 'kay?"
I nodded.
As I shuffled my feet along the linoleum floor and walked through a tall wooden door, there he stood. He was the most beautiful thing I could've seen at that moment, or ever.
I can't honestly recall what his expression was or what happened next. I think he just took my hand and we left...
I was extremely nauseated in the car. I was lacking air and it made me sick, so much so that I asked him to put the A/C on full-blast.
I fell asleep quickly and slept the whole way. Now that I think about it, that's a pretty long ride, and usually I wake up at turns and whatnot. The drugs, man.
Anyway, it was a lot less scary than one would think. I hope I never have to do it again, granted, but it wasn't the end of the world.
I've got cramping just slightly worse than I normally would with my period, and, unfortunately, it hasn't diminished my need for physical contact.
I can't make love for two weeks. It's been a DAY and already I'm going crazy. That's what happens when you have wonderful chemistry and over-powering love and desire for someone else. BLAH.
Now he slumbers, and as I watch him lying there, I feel such tenderness it makes me worried. What if I were to lose him? I would not be able to stand it.
However, I must relish this tenderness, not dwell on a possible outcome of this great love.
We met through SG. Around 1:00am at an agreed-upon point: Denny's. It was lovely.
We both agree that we'd have beautiful children if ever the day came.
La-dee-da...
Friday night I got into a little spat with my sweetheart. He wanted to sleep, whilst I wanted a little love and reassurance due to my state of emotional instability. He didn't really want to say anything reassuring, because he felt like it'd be bullshit because I'm asking him to say it.
"How is it bullshit if you mean it?" I ask.
Apparently it just is.
After over an hour of trying to get him to just love me, I got so pissed off I left. The only problem was, I hadn't driven to his house. So, I walked for about a mile down a dark, scary road where any homeless freak could jump out and rape me.
I finally made it to the Albertson's where I called a billion different numbers to try and find some dirty cabbie to come and pick me up. After I talked to some loser on the phone, I had to wait about a half an hour for the cab to come.
It finally did, I went home, and fell asleep alone in my bed for the first time since I've moved into that house.
I woke up the following morning, and got ready for the day's big event.
Will I walk out the door to see his car there? I wondered.
Alas, I did not.
I hopped in my truck and headed off towards his house. As I pulled up alongside the curb, I noticed his car was running. I got out of my truck, and got in his car. We didn't really say anything for a moment.
"Did you get directions?" I asked.
He said no, and asked if I knew the way. No, is what I told him.
We got directions and went on our way. We sat in near silence. For the longest time down the 15 freeway, I thought about how a well-placed hand on his thigh might break the tension. I wanted so badly just to touch him, or for him to touch me. I needed something. I was a wreck.
Finally, after much debating with myself, I outstretched my arm and began caressing the back of his neck.
Other than reading directions, we were still silent.
When we arrived at the clinic and walked towards the door, a worrisome look spread across my face and he took my hand in his.
We waited forever and ever in that stupid room...filled out paper-work, watched whatever crap they put on the T.V...And finally my name was called.
I was led back into a tiny room by a friendly nurse. She weighed me (ugh), measured my height, checked my blood pressure, and all that jazz.
Finally, I was led into another room, where I was told to remove everything from the waist down and lay on a table with those dreaded foot-rests.
Oh, god, I thought as I stared at the ceiling. I can stand shitty music, but Phil Collins?
Nurses came in and out, taking my blood, asking me questions, checking my blood pressure over and over again, probing my naughty parts for an ultrasound.
Finally the doctor came in. He had about three vials of who-the-fuck-knows-what and injected me with them. Immediately I felt the affects. I got giggly, slightly euphoric, slightly emotional, slightly everything.
The nurse took my hand and lightly rubbed my knee. We talked, and as we did so, the doctor got down to business.
He spread me apart, which felt less than great. As he aspirated my womb, it felt like a scratching sensation mixed with extreme menstrual cramps.
I didn't feel most of it, though. I was too busy socializing and being doped up to care.
"All done," I heard. Wow.
I laid there for a while, wondering how I should feel, and wondering if it was the drugs that was dulling all my emotions or if I sincerely didn't care.
Minutes later, the nurse came back in and helped me dress. She brought in a wheelchair and helped me sit down. She pushed me into the "Recovery Room" and half-lifted me into the comfiest goddamn chair I've ever sat in. It reclined, too!
I laid back with a heating pad on my abdomen, dizzy and dazed.
Before I knew it I was being served 7-UP and graham crackers. I hadn't eaten a thing all day (I wasn't allowed to) so I devoured them both in a matter of seconds.
I wanted my darling. Just to see him, just to have him hold me.
"I'll go call your boyfriend up to the window," a nurse told me. "And he can take you home, 'kay?"
I nodded.
As I shuffled my feet along the linoleum floor and walked through a tall wooden door, there he stood. He was the most beautiful thing I could've seen at that moment, or ever.
I can't honestly recall what his expression was or what happened next. I think he just took my hand and we left...
I was extremely nauseated in the car. I was lacking air and it made me sick, so much so that I asked him to put the A/C on full-blast.
I fell asleep quickly and slept the whole way. Now that I think about it, that's a pretty long ride, and usually I wake up at turns and whatnot. The drugs, man.
Anyway, it was a lot less scary than one would think. I hope I never have to do it again, granted, but it wasn't the end of the world.
I've got cramping just slightly worse than I normally would with my period, and, unfortunately, it hasn't diminished my need for physical contact.
I can't make love for two weeks. It's been a DAY and already I'm going crazy. That's what happens when you have wonderful chemistry and over-powering love and desire for someone else. BLAH.
Now he slumbers, and as I watch him lying there, I feel such tenderness it makes me worried. What if I were to lose him? I would not be able to stand it.
However, I must relish this tenderness, not dwell on a possible outcome of this great love.
We met through SG. Around 1:00am at an agreed-upon point: Denny's. It was lovely.
We both agree that we'd have beautiful children if ever the day came.
La-dee-da...
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
bettina:
Wow, what an amazing story! Thank you for sharing.
joshuaamos:
I'm sorry you had to go thru that...