callxmexmorbid

the boy with the thorn in his side,
behind the HATRED there lies
(a muderous desire)

FOR LOVE

what the fuck is wrong with me?
These week pulled a huge mindfuck over me.
I want so many things, and they just CANT co-exist.
I wish I could I go back 2 years and change my entire path since then.

This year is make it or break it in SO many ways.

I think I've come to the point where I'm too confused to love correctly. When I've said 'love', maybe i just meant 'i'm lonely'.

I need to be fixed. I need a wakeup call. I need an outside opinion, but I already know what will be said when I ask for it. I think I just avoid the truth ((story of my life))

I'm big into astrology and tarot.. weird shit like that.. and I have been told many times that my motto for the year is 'See your relationships for what they are,... not what you WANT them to be.'

]]]Why cant I accept it[[[

I'm definately not one to confess things openly at all, but at this point I have lost it and I dont know what to do... maybe if i lay it all out on the table, things will get sorted out by themselves... or atleast it will help (hopefully)

hopefully if you read this you will know who you are... they should be rather obvious to each of you. Sorry if I creeped you out or said things I shouldnt have.

1. I FUCKING LOVE(D) YOU. So much more than life itself... but where did I go wrong. I know I chose the wrong path. I know I ruined ::FOREVER:: you KNOW I beg for forgiveness,... but I know you can't risk 'it' for me,... not right now. And I know the longer I let 'it' happen.. the sooner you will be his... the more you will be his.. and I think I hate that more than anyting. who knows. maybe someday. I just dont think you will want anyting to do with me after this year... (and I know its the truth)

2. YOU KNOW I would give you the world if I could. you KNOW I want to steal you. lately you have done things that make me question your honestly, how you TRULY feel and what you have said.. I was willing to share just about anything with you (and I dont do that much.... I tend to hold it in and be really private...) but I guess I just thought we were closer than THIS. I thought we were beyond hiding stupid shit about our lives. what else are you hiding???? you KNOW I want to make us both happy for a change... but I think you know I cant. (and that hurts... and makes it worse... and more frustrating... and I dont know if I should try harder or just walk away with what I have left of my heart, because lately.. you have been taking alot of it.) ||WORDS CAN ONLY MEAN SO MUCH... (and then you ACTUALLY mean them... I'm still waiting for proof at this point.)||

3. You dont know I like you... atleast I dont think you do. Sometimes I think you like me... but then reality sets in and I realize that you arent ready for it after your breakup, and I dont see how we would even keep it together. ((i've wasted precious time with you... but i'm REALLY happy that we have become good friends at the very least))

4. What happened to us? -cant stand it when I hear about the 'others'- it drives me away and thats a main reason why I guess I have lost interest... but I guess in all fairness I'm sure thats how you feel too.

5. FUCKING LOVE YOU. and you KNOW IT. you are my best fucking friend EVER, even though we basically NEVER see each other... I wish it could be more but I dont think you have time for me like that.

6. where do I begin with you?? or I guess,... where do I end with you?? Both questions I dont have answers for. We have been there for each other in so many ways.. but I honestly dont know what I should do... and I think what bothers me the most is YOU dont know what YOU want. I know you want to be happy... I (think) I make you happy.. but HE should make you happy.. eventhough you say how much HE makes your feel like shit.. but honestly.. we both know that I'll be gone soon... and you will have to work with what you have infront of you... I know you love him... possibly more than you love me.

I think that covers it.

sorry...

I'm bitter and alone. you can say you love me all you want.. but at this point

SINCERETY IS DEAD.

=I dont really know why I made this post, i'm just trying to figure it all out=

On a side note. I only have 4 days of getting tattooed left possible. We did a short 2 1/2 hour sitting today and it went well. I think there might be too much to do in too little of time. I'm booked monday 3-7 tuesday 1-7 friday 1-7 and I head home to seattle saturday morning... hopefully it can get to a decent point, and possibly finished.

Sorry. I know i'm not acting like myself. and I dont care. its time to take risks and lay it all out how it is... I only expect brutal honestly in return. maybe i'm being blind in some situations... let me know if i'm way outta line.

Today I went to the record store I used to work at and RAIDED the CD's. Got some stuff I've wanted for a while, and some stuff that was suggested... please feel free to make suggestions on other music.. I get so bored sometimes of my music.

new cd list - Best of New Order, New Order-International (kinda a best of, and it has a DVD too or something.. didnt look into it much), Pixies-death to the pixies, THE POSTAL SERVICE-give up (fucking get this cd), Ryan Adams-heartbreaker (yeah..... i did get this just for the memories.......), Interpool-turn on the brightlights, The Used, SMITHS- s/t, RANK, strangeways here we come (had most all of that copied, but I wanted to buy them), the NEW T(i)NC (six new songs,.. I only put it in for a minute.. its ok).. I think thats it.

I am sick and I am dull
--and I am PLAIN--
((oh how dearly I wish I would get carried away))