It's so hard realizing that even though you love someone and you know they love you things aren't going to work. That even though someone is your best friend and puts you first and is honest and affectionate and devoted, it doesn't mean that you should be together.
All I've ever wanted was a simple life. Something quiet and secluded. A little craftsman house with a yard for a small garden. A couple animals running around. Food on the stove and music in the air. A reclusive little life where I could work hard and be proud. Maybe one day taking care of a family? Not in the middle of a big city taking care of naked girls who will only get younger as I age. (No matter how sweet and wonderful they are)
It's not the life for me.
I can't enjoy my relationship. I can't enjoy the other girls. I can't enjoy my experiences this way. It really feels like such a shame. Something that I loved has become something that fills me with endless frustration and anxiety and it's not fair of me to put those feelings of discomfort on my partner.
It's making me into a person I hate.
I can't even recognize myself because of the cruel and petty things I've said. Because of the times I ran. Because of the relationships with lovely girls I've shied away from because of my own fear. I've been cruel to someone I really care about bc they just don't understand what I need and want out of life or they aren't willing or able to give me those things
But I'm glad I experienced this too. It's like a circus. Like a little island of youth. Full of glitter and sparkle and plastic and silicon and glass and it's dizzying and ceaseless. Like cotton candy and sequins.
I feel so detached from everything that I value. Like none of it is real. Other than our feeling for each other. Everything else is a farce
I'd like to specify that he never cheated on me. Never touched another girl and was always kind and patient.
I know the girl he's looking for is out there. He deserves so much happiness and for someone his situation will be exciting and life affirming. But it's heartbreaking to know that I'm not her.
Adrift again.
