cahrizz

to tell the truth i don't know what's up with me. i'm taking shots in the dark at naming it. but man has it been a rollarcoaster, well maybe more like a cross country drive and sometimes you drive through the mountains. but i feel like i'm platueaing...if that's even a word. ha. maybe it was watching that bergman triology you know through a glass darkly, the silence and that other one. but really it's more than that. ah who the fuck knows. i know i most likely won't find any help when i see the army shrinks. seriously you know those people in your classes in college that just float on through, never can answer a question the teacher asks, maybe you have them in some lab or group project thing and you find out there just so fucking blah and their ekg reads almost like a flatline their so boring and unexceptional and have no passion come to think of it really probably no reason to live at all. in fact they just suck up the oxygen release carbon dioxide ointo the atmosphere and pretty much add to this global warming shit and ssomehow manage to breed more unexceptional children and then one day one of the unexceptionals has an exceptional child and they freak out and kill themselves because really they can not fathom the bloody reasoning of a sense of humor that gave them that for parents and it just makes them really question a world that after thousands of years of wars for pretty much the same reasons with the same lies and same fears and no one learns anything from it though most of the world supposedly learns some jagged edged history about a bunch of rich pricks selling ideas and hatred to the ones they want to fight and then shmucks like me feel the need to witness this shit and othe niaeve ideas i don't care to mention at this point and then they are really concerned that while flying through romania, iceland, new hampshire and minnesota right around or on christmas they did not see snow in any one of these places and i can't help but think there are so many more problems that need to be solved besides who bombed who's masque left and then i hopped in a cab last night to get some smokes casue i was fiending and this guys seems nice but he's got an ASS LOAD of pent up anger so i'm in a nice mood and i like to register to him that i think he too is a human and so i ask who's you're night going? and then he starts in about natives being drunk and hating. and then later on i ask him where he's from i know it's the middle east the appearance and the unmistakable arab accent. and so he says jordan and i say i used to date a girl from jordan. and figuring me somehow ignorant he says no the country jordan,. the one right next to iraq. and i stiffle the sarcasm that wants to por out at this point andd i say i know where the country is and yes she was from jordan. and then he says most people from jordan are palastinian. and i'm like well not her. and i know it bothers him that i fucked a once muslem. i admit...i savored the taste a bit. but somehow he starts ranting on jews and isrreal. and occupations. and i say i wish we didn't help isreal so the rest of the arabs wouldn't be pissed at us. and he's like yeah that's why they're pissed at you guys. otherwise they love americans. and i'm thinking no shit i haven't ever been to the middleeast. and to three countries to boot thank you very much. and might i mention, so i did to him that i am educated. and i start to mention the fact that palastinians gave up a bunch of land to some arab countrie to try to force a political debate in the world about isreal. and he's in vehemet denial. and then i remind him how most arab countries won't let palastians in their country or only small numbers. and he just rants on about the jews. and i try to appear amniable as i play my aces and then say hey look man...i'm just sick of war and occupations. isn't it silly after all these years and still the same old shit. not to mention does nature have any borders? i'll ntell you why because it's fucking indeifferent to silly shit like that. and he doesn't quite comprehend this fact he wants to ignore it and then i realize that here's some what of an answer to this quesiton i want answered. he hates. he grew up hating. he teaches others to hate. he's righteous. anything no matter how logical or true you say to people like this they we always be in a state of us and them.

so just think in a few days another 3 billion dollars will be spent on a silly war and it could have went to so many mroe constructive venues like teaching this dumbass he's a hippocrate. remember he complained about the natives and their animosity to outsiders. feeling occupied??? lol

anywho....yeah now i gots to figure out this love thing. i'm begining to believe it is simply non existent. that it's a bunch of molecules bonding in me trying to tell me to mate. and friendship--what's in it for you? lol. i'm wondering about my best friend. is it simply a matter of sentiment that keeps our friendship going? now there's love there and appreciation but....

please help stop this war. speak out against it to anyone and everyone. and then let's like cure cancer or something. i don't know. i give my money to charities that help kids personally.

chris

and ferrit i heard london calling last night!!! then it was a lot of the shins, john frusciante with ataxia and his albumns, a bit of radiohead, brighteyes, the goodtimes are killing me-modest mouse, saturdaynight savior by failure, how to be dead snow patrol, the mars volta the widow, the arcade fire-crown of love, wake up, haiti, rebeliion, in the backseat, the postal service--dc sleeps alone tonight, neil young-the needle and the damage done, old man, john lennon--imagine, modest mouse--teeth like god's shoeshine, queens of the stone age--everybody knows you are insane, pigface-your on your own, then beck sea change.

and the shins albumn about four times and somehow it was six in the morning a bit read a bit written. a lopt of laundry done and coffee drunk and smokes smoked. and and then and then oh hell i wanted so bad to go out and drink. but these pubs at the least are no fun. what ahppened to those days someone'd start singing a song and everyone sang along because it was enjoyable?????.

too many questions too many answers not enough participation.