cahrizz

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HA HA HA

i'm back from a month jaunt into a frozen hell, holed up in the night at a dacha in the southern part of missouri. so that was mostly my vacation as i ran away from the questions about iraq everyone was so eager to ask and prone to not realize the faux pas of asking me. so to insure the future lack of questions---it sucks sucked will suck can't not but suck. trying to be a good guy in a culture i have come to understand more than i thought i ever would and trying to check my ethonocentric notions(though i seemingly hate so much that is america), i found myself in the most enviable of positions... something is very dar, and wrong about all of this there and it seeped into my soul. so fearing what alcohol would bring about on these most tempting days i didn't find myself in one club though i haven't felt the need for a woman like this since i was a teenager. iraq...lol greed oh golly gee greed there's never enough to feed those withered souls that spawn the thirst for it. personally i think it should only be felt for two lovers in a bedroom or whereever you chose to fuck. be that as it may a confluence of pain, hope, desitution, trash and get this...poor people spilling blood in the name of ideas while the rich pick up the royalty checks. that is iraq. and now i am entering a stage of evolution in my soul that will either destroy me or.........................

make me.

you ever here a voice in your head...i mean we all hear some sort of voice we converse with ourselves and others in there but somewhere in the darkest part opf my soul in a place i thought i had once courageously voyaged, i found a new territory. and it spoke to me one night as i stared out onto the moonlit frozen lake full of the angry chatter of geese and ducks that murdered the normally pure silence i was seeking. i took a drag from my cigarette and childhood fears i had overcome cameat me with the same force they once enjoyed. and i heard clearly a voice say...kill yourself. just do it. it does not matter. i never knew this voice. never heard it before. i looked around. heard the yelpings, the cries and howlings of coyotes starving in the winter night. i looked for at the least an appiration. nothing. staring into the silver necklace the moon spilt onto the lake not weanting to admit the voice came from inside of me.

so it turns out to be true. one of my worst fears, something i only joked about appears a truth--i am MAD. insane. crazy. it was my own voice. rich, dark confident with an astute diffidence. kill yourself. an image of my mother smiling floating about in the blue smoke curling out from m y lungs and not a slice of guilt. kill yourself. god?... some god .... nothing. frost. cold. wind tearing at my eyes trying to convince with an enactment of tears from emotion. nothing. my heart was all about me. kill yourself. palable real but but but...

not my voice. a devil's perhaps. ah if there are such things it would have had to have been so. a deal then certainly a deal. how about one hell of an adventure and a ride till the end. can we swing it like a dark harmonic piano cathing rays of dissidence and building into a swarm of guitar and crashing into the end.

this plague of passivity that is being in the army. marking off days in wooden notches filling my head with hope for tommorrow. thinking maybe love is this selfish desire to recreate some aspect we have lost. a disease lapping at the flesh another like a dog and invedibly finding myself losing my humanity in the crotch of a rotten whore singing just for tonight in a tender voice.

playing at the sacred game holding back waiting for love now for a year and a half without giving myself the pleasure...waiting like a statue without the ponderance of grace held in a moonbeam so that it surprises you the halted movement the stutter of life so envived and finally the mute response to the next moment. only communicating with the weather the rain the snow the tiny droplets that create the fissure of disease so that............................................................ open you eyes. just for a short time. just to reminisce . for the day i'll float on high. for the day a childhood sickness wills me to die. a thumbtack long enought o pierce a heart that already was bourne with hole in it....