caetano

Sometimes my life just frustrates the fuck out of me. And I know no one really gives a fuck about that. I guess I have just orchestrated my life in such a way as to make that true. I live so closed up. So afraid of what people will say, or perhaps even more afraid that no one will say anything. Because in reality, they really do not care. They all have their own lives, their own concerns, their own heart ache. I will always be the indefinable freak. The weird guy that inhabits the fringes of their lives. Am I paranoid? I suspect so. I have to wonder how many people, like me, sit and ponder instead of doing? How many people just say what people expect them to say, do what people expect them to do, and just fucking die inside because of it? No one really knows me. No one. Not even me. What is it like to live a life of doing exactly what you want to do, and saying exactly what you want to say? Taking chances, and just bloody making a real representation to the world. I got a ticket from a guy I work with. I can not figure out if he wants me to pay for it. Or if it was simply because he could not go at the last minute, and he thought someone should use it. It is a ticket to go see Midorie, and I will love it, I know I will. I just, feel like I should probably make an offer to pay him for the ticket. I do not, however know if that would be rude in and of itself. And the really fucked up thing is that Evelyn wanted to go out tonight, and now I can not go. I would actually rather go out with her than go to this concert, but, feel like if I do not go, then I will be an even bigger smuck.

And for the foreseeable future I will have absolutely no money what ever to do much of anything. I hate being a grown-up sometimes. So many obligations and shit to pay for, from insurance to the friggin light bill. But, such is life. I know I am living in a much better state of affairs than some. I just wish that I could have some little joy in this world. Sometimes I just want to get in my car and drive until it dies or hits the ocean, and then just disappear into the sunset, change my name, forget my family, forget my past, and just BE. But, as a U.S. citizen under the thumb of George the intellectually challenged, yet functional W Bush whacker, I am obligated to pay my fucking taxes and work a dead end job, while trying to keep my business afloat. I guess I just have to try harder, and stop fucking whining. I just have to let my soul waste away in the pursuit of the American Dream.

I really wish I had the balls to just ask K out for Whatever. I have been rejected sooooooooooooo many times in this life and had people leave me, to go be with other people, just one too many times. I am an exile in my own body. I want certain things and certain people so badly, yet lack the confidence to go and get what I need. I have no one to blame for that but me, I know this, I see this, I accept this. It just hurts, knowing what and who you want, but, lacking the faith in self and in GOD herself, to do what is needed to get it. I know, I am not original in the least. I am not the only one. It has all been done and felt and failed at before, I am just a weary traveler, that is all. Tired, hungry, frustrated and just plain pathetic.


SAE