The week is progressing. I have to wonder if my life is? I guess only I can make it so. I have started to gain momentum. I have a lot of ideas for what I want to do, and how. I need things to do, and people to see. I have way too much energy to just sit and chill. I know that is the purpose of vacations, but, I can not do it. I can not just be alone, and do nothing. I need something to concentrate this caldron of energy on. It gets to the point where at 2:30 in the morning I want to get up and do laundry, make salsa, and then ride my bike to the club and work out. I know I will get this stuff done later, but, I want to do it NOW. I think I will definitely go downtown and find out when I can rent a studio. I also need to mail that package. I should visit my storage unit, and decide what can be thrown out, and what can be sold. Maybe I will do that today. It is time to clean, refresh, revive, get started, and make everything new again. I have to find some clubs to join, I need social interaction. I need people to call, and invite over. Ones that I know want to come. I do not want to be a burden, and god forbid, a joke, to anyone.
I should write in my To Do list, all the things that I need to DO today, and see how many are checked off by the end of the day. I know I need to get back in school. That I know. I need it like air. And maybe that will help me find people whose lives might intersect with mine. And then I would be inclined toward doing stuff, naturally. I feel stale. I got a glimpse of what my life might be, when I traveled to the west side yesterday. I remember the feeling, I remember the smell, I remember what it is like to see money walking around, and to know that life is ...a little fairytale like. I want to be a part of things. I want to do what could be considered important things. I want to build. I want to build a base of friends, a career, a hope, spaces, places that the public enjoys. I want to know that it mattered that I inhabited this planet. I want to see my nephew, not only in pictures, but, him, crawling around, getting into my stuff. All the things I have only fantasized about, I want those to all be my reality. I can not put my hope or dependence on one person. I need to remain separate, and yet joined.
I saw Dinner With Friends the other night. And it brought it all back to me. What it is like to be married, to be in love, to have someone as a constant in your life, no matter what. I remember that unspoken communication. I know what it is like to try to find your way back to the one you love, succeeding sometimes, and at other times failing completely. It is truly a journey that you have to want to take. And the rewards are unimaginably great, while the responsibility is, at times overwhelming, and at others a real comfort. In those times, you know your place, you know your purpose. There are definite things you must do everyday. That provides a sense of self, and a known security in your life. You have the assurance that at least someone needs you, cares about your days and nights, and you know that when the day is complete, you have someone who can talk you down, guide you through, make it all evaporate with a smile, and get you focused again on what is really important.
I need to unravel it all. I need to take the necessary steps toward the life I see in the looking glass. I am freaking out a little, and sometimes a lot. I find myself overburdening what few friends I do have, with my desire to connect. I seem to press people into giving more than they want to. And that is not what I want, not at all. I want people in my life because they want to be there, not because they feel sorry for me, or obligated to be. I do not need anyone's pity. I do not need someone to fill up my need because they think I am so pathetic. I want real connection, affection, communication, and caring. I want people to be real and honest with me, and I want them to know that I am being as honest as I can be with them. I want people to really talk to me. Even if it is to tell me to fuck off. At least it is something.
I have begun to inquire as to how I might move on from where I am. I need more. I want more. Or if not more, just a different something. I need to be challenged again, I need to be inspired again. I keep wanting to smoke. I guess proximity is what creates that desire. Desire is a powerful thing. It seems to supercede reason and logic. I feel compelled to do things that are neurotic and uncharacteristic of my nature. But, that is just the thing, it is compulsion. It is hard though when what you desire is someone. You have to find that balance between letting them know of your desire, and not becoming a flaming lunatic when you are around them. I guess that is why relationships are so hard. Especially in this day and age. Because what used to be termed passion and romantic wooing, is now sometimes considered stalking. And I understand the difference between being amorous and being dangerous. I realize that some people, can and do, get so obsessed, that they become psychotic. I do wish that we lived in a society where women expected to be courted. Where women expected that if a man is interested in her, he will ask for her company, take her to places that she may have never been before, and express the delight of her company. And all of this without it being corny or contrived. I guess like everything in life, timing is important, and one must find balance in all things.
The morning is progressing, as it is now 3:13am. I still have the urge to ride away, and go work out. Maybe I will indulge that need. At least I can get my day started off by doing something healthy. Warmth and preparation will be the keys. I hope everything that is on my internal To Do list actually gets done today. That would be good, that would be nice. I need a good cup of coffee, and I do not have the foggiest idea where I could get one this time of the morning. Hmmmm?? Maybe if I wait a little I can catch one from the caf next door. I am looking forward to Saturday, and I hope that Alana is too. I will also be praying that she gets safely to her friends in Superior. It sounds like it is going to be worth the trip. I am of course also looking forward to just spending a little time with her before she goes. And December proves to be a good month, if only for those few moments of the Nutcracker. I love going to the theatre. It makes me feel alive, and it makes me know that there is more to this life than what we see in front of us on a daily basis.
I wish to build something great, if only a small family in a warm, safe and love filled home. I want to look out and see the garden, and know that it was created with my hands. I want to know that part of the food we eat, I grew myself. I want communication to be open and free for all. The burden of debt is not welcome in my home. Although I know that is what this economy is based on. I want Sunday rides, and Monday understanding. We trade individual freedom for cohesive and healthy family development. The burdens are often many. But, in the end, love and many hands, make the burdens light.
Love and Life
by John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
All my past life is mine no more ;
The flying hours are gone,
Like transitory dreams given o'er
Whose images are kept in store
By memory alone.
Whatever is to come is not :
How can it then be mine ?
The present moment's all my lot,
And that, as fast as it is got,
Phyllis, is wholly thine.
Then talk not of inconstancy,
False hearts, and broken vows ;
If I, by miracle, can be
This livelong minute true to thee,
'Tis all that heaven allows.
Edit: Osho
I have come across couples thousands and thousands of couples who are bad.
In fact I have never come across a couple who is not bad.
Persons are beautiful and couples are ugly.
Something goes wrong somewhere.
It should not be so but it is so.
The way love has been understood has been wrong.
What you call love is not love; it is something else.
Sometimes you are alone and you cannot tolerate your loneliness,
and just to fill the gap, the inner hole, you find somebody.
It is not love.
And of course things are going to be bad.
From the very beginning the very base is wrong.
Love is a sharing of two individuals.
And I call a person "individual" when he is happy with his aloneness;
otherwise he is not an individual, if he cannot be happy alone.
Just think.
If you cannot be happy alone,
how can you be happy together?
Two persons are unhappy separately,
and you think there is going to be a miracle?
two unhappy persons come together
and suddenly happiness arises?
Unhappiness is doubled - not only doubled, multiplied.
Out of your unhappiness you seek the other;
then the relationship is going to be wrong.
Seek the other out of happiness,
and then the relationship will never be wrong.
Seek out of happiness.
First meditate, first feel your own being, first pray.
First grow into love;
otherwise what are you going to do when you have found the lover?
Then you don't know what to do.
An anecdote:
His friend was a shy one, but after being told that if he went to the dance
all he would have to do would be stand in the corner, he went.
The friend shoved him immediately into the arms of a pretty girl
on the dance floor. For an hour or so he lost track of his shy friend,
but then spotted him standing happily next to the girl
he had been "shoved" upon.
What is more, he had his arm around her waist and she was looking up
at him with adoring eyes.
"We are engaged," the shy one told his friend.
"Good heavens!" said the friend. "How did that happen?"
"Well," said the shy one, "I danced with her six times
and I just could not think of anything else to ask her."
Your love affairs are so stupid.
And then you are waiting for something great to happen out of them.
In the first place you don't have any love in your heart.
That's why everybody wants to be loved.
You want to be loved; your woman also wants to be loved.
Naturally there is conflict:
both are ready to take and nobody is ready to give.
And how to give?
You don't have it in the first place.
Only a loving person, one who is already loving,
can find the right partner.
This is my observation:
if you are unhappy you will find somebody who is unhappy.
Unhappy people are attracted towards unhappy people.
And it is good, it is natural.
It is good that the unhappy people are not attracted towards happy people;
otherwise they will destroy their happiness.
It is perfectly okay.
Only happy people are attracted towards happy people.
The same attracts the same.
Intelligent people are attracted towards intelligent people;
stupid people are attracted towards stupid people.
You will see it. In Poona there are thousands of people,
but only a few people will be attracted towards me,
only those who are really concerned with knowing who they are.
Others won't be attracted.
Even my neighbors, just the next-door neighbors,
they have not come to listen. In fact they are very much worried.
It happened, in one town I lived for ten years,
and a person used to live just above me,
but he never came to see me.
Thousands of people would come and go, but he never came.
He was simply puzzled as to why people came to me.
Then he was transferred — he was a principal in a college –
he was transferred to another town.
I visited the other town.
I was invited to his college to speak to the students;
then he heard me for the first time.
He had to because he was the principal!
Then he became more puzzled; he said,
"Ten years I lived just on top of you, and I missed.
I never came. And I never knew that you had something to share,
that you had something to give to us." He started crying.
I said, "Don't be worried. Just tell me,
during these two years you have not been in that town,
what has happened?" He said, "My wife died and I became very miserable.
Then I started meditating, thinking maybe it helps.
Then really something started happening in me
and I started feeling very happy.
I was worried I would not be able to be alone without my wife,
but now I am so happy that I don't want to get entangled with anybody."
I told him, "Maybe that's why you could understand me.
The meditation that you tried, the happiness that you are feeling
then there is a possibility to have contact with me.
There you were on a different plane."
You meet people of the same plane.
So the first thing to remember is:
a relationship is bound to be bitter
if it has grown out of
unhappiness.
First be happy,
be joyful,
be celebrating,
and then you will find some other soul celebrating
and there will be a meeting
of two dancing souls
and a great dance will arise out of it.
Don't ask for a relationship out of loneliness, no.
Then you are moving in a wrong direction.
Then the other will be used as a means
and the other will use you as a means.
And nobody wants to be used as a means!
Every single individual is an end unto himself.
It is immoral to use anybody as a means.
First learn how to be alone. Meditation is a way of being alone.
And if you can be happy when you are alone,
you have learned the secret of being happy.
Now you can be happy together.
If you are happy, then you have something to share, to give.
And when you give you get; it is not the other way.
Then a need arises to love somebody.
Ordinarily the need is to be loved by somebody.
It is a wrong need.
It is a childish need; you are not mature.
It is a child's attitude.
A child is born. Of course, the child cannot love the mother;
he does not know what love is
and he does not know who is the mother and who is the father.
He is totally helpless. His being is still to be integrated;
he is not one piece; he is not together yet.
He is just a possibility.
The mother has to love, the father has to love,
the family has to shower love on the child.
Now he learns one thing: that everybody has to love him.
And he never learns that he has to love.
Now the child will grow, and if he remains stuck with this attitude
that everybody has to love him, he will suffer his whole life,
his body has grown, but his mind has remained immature.
A mature person is one who comes to know the other need:
that now I have to love somebody.
The need to be loved is childish, immature.
The need to love is mature.
And when you are ready to love somebody,
a beautiful relationship will arise; otherwise not.
"Is it possible for two people in a relationship to be bad for each other?"
Yes, that's what is happening all over the world.
To be good is very difficult.
You are not good even to yourself.
How can you be good to somebody else?
You don't even love yourself!
How can you love somebody else?
Love yourself,
be good to yourself.
And your so-called religious saints have been teaching you
never to love yourself, never to be good to yourself.
Be hard on yourself! They have been teaching you
be soft towards others and hard towards yourself.
This is absurd.
I teach you that the first and foremost thing is
to be loving towards yourself.
Don't be hard; be soft.
Care about yourself.
Learn how to forgive yourself
- again and again and again -
seven times,
seventy-seven times,
seven hundred seventy-seven times.
Learn how to forgive yourself.
Don't be hard;
don't be antagonistic towards yourself.
Then you will flower.
And in that flowering you will attract some other flower.
It is natural. Stones attract stones; flowers attract flowers.
And then there is a relationship which has grace, which has beauty,
which has a benediction in it.
And if you can find such a relationship,
your relationship will grow into prayer…
your love will become an ecstasy…
and through love you will know what God is.
Osho - Ecstasy - The Forgotten Language
quote from Chapter 2
I should write in my To Do list, all the things that I need to DO today, and see how many are checked off by the end of the day. I know I need to get back in school. That I know. I need it like air. And maybe that will help me find people whose lives might intersect with mine. And then I would be inclined toward doing stuff, naturally. I feel stale. I got a glimpse of what my life might be, when I traveled to the west side yesterday. I remember the feeling, I remember the smell, I remember what it is like to see money walking around, and to know that life is ...a little fairytale like. I want to be a part of things. I want to do what could be considered important things. I want to build. I want to build a base of friends, a career, a hope, spaces, places that the public enjoys. I want to know that it mattered that I inhabited this planet. I want to see my nephew, not only in pictures, but, him, crawling around, getting into my stuff. All the things I have only fantasized about, I want those to all be my reality. I can not put my hope or dependence on one person. I need to remain separate, and yet joined.
I saw Dinner With Friends the other night. And it brought it all back to me. What it is like to be married, to be in love, to have someone as a constant in your life, no matter what. I remember that unspoken communication. I know what it is like to try to find your way back to the one you love, succeeding sometimes, and at other times failing completely. It is truly a journey that you have to want to take. And the rewards are unimaginably great, while the responsibility is, at times overwhelming, and at others a real comfort. In those times, you know your place, you know your purpose. There are definite things you must do everyday. That provides a sense of self, and a known security in your life. You have the assurance that at least someone needs you, cares about your days and nights, and you know that when the day is complete, you have someone who can talk you down, guide you through, make it all evaporate with a smile, and get you focused again on what is really important.
I need to unravel it all. I need to take the necessary steps toward the life I see in the looking glass. I am freaking out a little, and sometimes a lot. I find myself overburdening what few friends I do have, with my desire to connect. I seem to press people into giving more than they want to. And that is not what I want, not at all. I want people in my life because they want to be there, not because they feel sorry for me, or obligated to be. I do not need anyone's pity. I do not need someone to fill up my need because they think I am so pathetic. I want real connection, affection, communication, and caring. I want people to be real and honest with me, and I want them to know that I am being as honest as I can be with them. I want people to really talk to me. Even if it is to tell me to fuck off. At least it is something.
I have begun to inquire as to how I might move on from where I am. I need more. I want more. Or if not more, just a different something. I need to be challenged again, I need to be inspired again. I keep wanting to smoke. I guess proximity is what creates that desire. Desire is a powerful thing. It seems to supercede reason and logic. I feel compelled to do things that are neurotic and uncharacteristic of my nature. But, that is just the thing, it is compulsion. It is hard though when what you desire is someone. You have to find that balance between letting them know of your desire, and not becoming a flaming lunatic when you are around them. I guess that is why relationships are so hard. Especially in this day and age. Because what used to be termed passion and romantic wooing, is now sometimes considered stalking. And I understand the difference between being amorous and being dangerous. I realize that some people, can and do, get so obsessed, that they become psychotic. I do wish that we lived in a society where women expected to be courted. Where women expected that if a man is interested in her, he will ask for her company, take her to places that she may have never been before, and express the delight of her company. And all of this without it being corny or contrived. I guess like everything in life, timing is important, and one must find balance in all things.
The morning is progressing, as it is now 3:13am. I still have the urge to ride away, and go work out. Maybe I will indulge that need. At least I can get my day started off by doing something healthy. Warmth and preparation will be the keys. I hope everything that is on my internal To Do list actually gets done today. That would be good, that would be nice. I need a good cup of coffee, and I do not have the foggiest idea where I could get one this time of the morning. Hmmmm?? Maybe if I wait a little I can catch one from the caf next door. I am looking forward to Saturday, and I hope that Alana is too. I will also be praying that she gets safely to her friends in Superior. It sounds like it is going to be worth the trip. I am of course also looking forward to just spending a little time with her before she goes. And December proves to be a good month, if only for those few moments of the Nutcracker. I love going to the theatre. It makes me feel alive, and it makes me know that there is more to this life than what we see in front of us on a daily basis.
I wish to build something great, if only a small family in a warm, safe and love filled home. I want to look out and see the garden, and know that it was created with my hands. I want to know that part of the food we eat, I grew myself. I want communication to be open and free for all. The burden of debt is not welcome in my home. Although I know that is what this economy is based on. I want Sunday rides, and Monday understanding. We trade individual freedom for cohesive and healthy family development. The burdens are often many. But, in the end, love and many hands, make the burdens light.
Love and Life
by John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
All my past life is mine no more ;
The flying hours are gone,
Like transitory dreams given o'er
Whose images are kept in store
By memory alone.
Whatever is to come is not :
How can it then be mine ?
The present moment's all my lot,
And that, as fast as it is got,
Phyllis, is wholly thine.
Then talk not of inconstancy,
False hearts, and broken vows ;
If I, by miracle, can be
This livelong minute true to thee,
'Tis all that heaven allows.
Edit: Osho
I have come across couples thousands and thousands of couples who are bad.
In fact I have never come across a couple who is not bad.
Persons are beautiful and couples are ugly.
Something goes wrong somewhere.
It should not be so but it is so.
The way love has been understood has been wrong.
What you call love is not love; it is something else.
Sometimes you are alone and you cannot tolerate your loneliness,
and just to fill the gap, the inner hole, you find somebody.
It is not love.
And of course things are going to be bad.
From the very beginning the very base is wrong.
Love is a sharing of two individuals.
And I call a person "individual" when he is happy with his aloneness;
otherwise he is not an individual, if he cannot be happy alone.
Just think.
If you cannot be happy alone,
how can you be happy together?
Two persons are unhappy separately,
and you think there is going to be a miracle?
two unhappy persons come together
and suddenly happiness arises?
Unhappiness is doubled - not only doubled, multiplied.
Out of your unhappiness you seek the other;
then the relationship is going to be wrong.
Seek the other out of happiness,
and then the relationship will never be wrong.
Seek out of happiness.
First meditate, first feel your own being, first pray.
First grow into love;
otherwise what are you going to do when you have found the lover?
Then you don't know what to do.
An anecdote:
His friend was a shy one, but after being told that if he went to the dance
all he would have to do would be stand in the corner, he went.
The friend shoved him immediately into the arms of a pretty girl
on the dance floor. For an hour or so he lost track of his shy friend,
but then spotted him standing happily next to the girl
he had been "shoved" upon.
What is more, he had his arm around her waist and she was looking up
at him with adoring eyes.
"We are engaged," the shy one told his friend.
"Good heavens!" said the friend. "How did that happen?"
"Well," said the shy one, "I danced with her six times
and I just could not think of anything else to ask her."
Your love affairs are so stupid.
And then you are waiting for something great to happen out of them.
In the first place you don't have any love in your heart.
That's why everybody wants to be loved.
You want to be loved; your woman also wants to be loved.
Naturally there is conflict:
both are ready to take and nobody is ready to give.
And how to give?
You don't have it in the first place.
Only a loving person, one who is already loving,
can find the right partner.
This is my observation:
if you are unhappy you will find somebody who is unhappy.
Unhappy people are attracted towards unhappy people.
And it is good, it is natural.
It is good that the unhappy people are not attracted towards happy people;
otherwise they will destroy their happiness.
It is perfectly okay.
Only happy people are attracted towards happy people.
The same attracts the same.
Intelligent people are attracted towards intelligent people;
stupid people are attracted towards stupid people.
You will see it. In Poona there are thousands of people,
but only a few people will be attracted towards me,
only those who are really concerned with knowing who they are.
Others won't be attracted.
Even my neighbors, just the next-door neighbors,
they have not come to listen. In fact they are very much worried.
It happened, in one town I lived for ten years,
and a person used to live just above me,
but he never came to see me.
Thousands of people would come and go, but he never came.
He was simply puzzled as to why people came to me.
Then he was transferred — he was a principal in a college –
he was transferred to another town.
I visited the other town.
I was invited to his college to speak to the students;
then he heard me for the first time.
He had to because he was the principal!
Then he became more puzzled; he said,
"Ten years I lived just on top of you, and I missed.
I never came. And I never knew that you had something to share,
that you had something to give to us." He started crying.
I said, "Don't be worried. Just tell me,
during these two years you have not been in that town,
what has happened?" He said, "My wife died and I became very miserable.
Then I started meditating, thinking maybe it helps.
Then really something started happening in me
and I started feeling very happy.
I was worried I would not be able to be alone without my wife,
but now I am so happy that I don't want to get entangled with anybody."
I told him, "Maybe that's why you could understand me.
The meditation that you tried, the happiness that you are feeling
then there is a possibility to have contact with me.
There you were on a different plane."
You meet people of the same plane.
So the first thing to remember is:
a relationship is bound to be bitter
if it has grown out of
unhappiness.
First be happy,
be joyful,
be celebrating,
and then you will find some other soul celebrating
and there will be a meeting
of two dancing souls
and a great dance will arise out of it.
Don't ask for a relationship out of loneliness, no.
Then you are moving in a wrong direction.
Then the other will be used as a means
and the other will use you as a means.
And nobody wants to be used as a means!
Every single individual is an end unto himself.
It is immoral to use anybody as a means.
First learn how to be alone. Meditation is a way of being alone.
And if you can be happy when you are alone,
you have learned the secret of being happy.
Now you can be happy together.
If you are happy, then you have something to share, to give.
And when you give you get; it is not the other way.
Then a need arises to love somebody.
Ordinarily the need is to be loved by somebody.
It is a wrong need.
It is a childish need; you are not mature.
It is a child's attitude.
A child is born. Of course, the child cannot love the mother;
he does not know what love is
and he does not know who is the mother and who is the father.
He is totally helpless. His being is still to be integrated;
he is not one piece; he is not together yet.
He is just a possibility.
The mother has to love, the father has to love,
the family has to shower love on the child.
Now he learns one thing: that everybody has to love him.
And he never learns that he has to love.
Now the child will grow, and if he remains stuck with this attitude
that everybody has to love him, he will suffer his whole life,
his body has grown, but his mind has remained immature.
A mature person is one who comes to know the other need:
that now I have to love somebody.
The need to be loved is childish, immature.
The need to love is mature.
And when you are ready to love somebody,
a beautiful relationship will arise; otherwise not.
"Is it possible for two people in a relationship to be bad for each other?"
Yes, that's what is happening all over the world.
To be good is very difficult.
You are not good even to yourself.
How can you be good to somebody else?
You don't even love yourself!
How can you love somebody else?
Love yourself,
be good to yourself.
And your so-called religious saints have been teaching you
never to love yourself, never to be good to yourself.
Be hard on yourself! They have been teaching you
be soft towards others and hard towards yourself.
This is absurd.
I teach you that the first and foremost thing is
to be loving towards yourself.
Don't be hard; be soft.
Care about yourself.
Learn how to forgive yourself
- again and again and again -
seven times,
seventy-seven times,
seven hundred seventy-seven times.
Learn how to forgive yourself.
Don't be hard;
don't be antagonistic towards yourself.
Then you will flower.
And in that flowering you will attract some other flower.
It is natural. Stones attract stones; flowers attract flowers.
And then there is a relationship which has grace, which has beauty,
which has a benediction in it.
And if you can find such a relationship,
your relationship will grow into prayer…
your love will become an ecstasy…
and through love you will know what God is.
Osho - Ecstasy - The Forgotten Language
quote from Chapter 2