Random Splashes of Thought and Emotion
Sometimes in the middle of the night, thoughts go rampaging through my heart and mind, like storm clouds in a summer sky. I think of all I want to do, all I want to be, everything I want to create, of those I love, and who I want to consider me with love in their eyes. I consider what I would like to put into certain endcaps at work, I think of the places I would love to travel to in this world. I think of how valuable it is to work, to stay in your own home, the place that you call home at the least.
I consider in my soul, how sometimes the best of conversations, the intercourse of words and thoughts shared with someone, can penetrate us deeper than sexual intercourse could ever hope to do. Or, maybe it is all part of the same spiritual experience. The communication between two, that merge into one, as their hearts, minds, will, and emotion, all connect, to make them know what it is to be plunged into reality, to be seen, heard, felt, known, and understood, within the span of a few moments. To know, and to be known. For is that not what we all seek in the end? Don't we all want others to see us, to know us, and to allow us to know them? We all want to love, and to be loved. We all want to be accepted for exactly who we are, exactly where we are, and not be asked to change, just loved unerringly.
That to me is what friends do. They love you to the point of a kind of madness. They need you, as you need them. They want you in their lives always, and you want them in yours. To be a true friend means never needing to ask if they will, if they could, do they want to, do they need money for, or when can they. Because the answer will always be Yes, anytime, anywhere, at any costs, I will be there for whatever you need, for as long as you need me, and the only currency that I require is you, your friendship, the commitment of your soul to mine. We two together are hidden from this world of change, turmoil, selfishness, pain, want, greed, and denial. We are separated from it, separated by love, desire, compassion, unending understanding, and the power of inextricably bound minds, hearts, and intentions. We are two in one. Where you see one, so shall the other be.
I think this why I have always been such strong friends with women. Because to love them as a friend, seems to take me deeper into them than merely being their lover. There are doors that a friend may enter that lovers are never led past. There are windows into hidden spaces, that friends are given the permission to penetrate, and lovers never know are there. But, I will say, that at some point in life soon, I need to find her again, this one, this woman, this love, this friend, my soul's longing, my soul's need. I am better when I am loving, and being loved. I am better when I have a purpose toward which my actions are focused. I am better when my emotions are set free, to live, to love, to plan, to purpose, to carry out, and to run rampant in the world. I need to be set free.
If you have read any of my life in the past year, you will know that this is a constant refrain. I seek her, only to be found. I want her, only so that I too may feel necessary. I am willing to give the salvation and control of my body to another, if only so that I may be saved from myself. There are many who imagine me mad. I think, that what they do not see is the crushing loneliness that I experience daily. I think that my intense reaction to attentions speaks of my need to care, and be cared about. I give, in hopes of receiving. I know it is so pathetic in some ways, to be screaming "look at me, look at me"! But, sometimes all I need is a smile, that universal balm, the one that unites, lifts up and enlivens the soul. I have had few friends in this life. And at the moment I do not really have any that I speak to on a daily basis. It used to be, that I had one good friend, and we did everything together. But, as we all know, as you mature, as peoples lives are taken over by marriages, children, work, responsibility, and 'Other' concerns, the ability to maintain such a friendship becomes nigh on impossible. We all grow apart, and move toward those that are our main concern. The thing is, there is nothing, and no one in my life for whom I need focus such concern. So, I need friends. I need people to call, people to do things with, just someone to hang out with. I need life. I need you.
In so many ways my cat, Mr. Mischief, is the love of my life. He makes me feel the deepest of emotions, simply by being exactly who, and what he is. There are times when he is sleeping on my bed with me, and comes to head butt me, or lick my face, purr into my ears, or simply express his desire to have me pet him, that reach into the depths of my emotional understanding, and rip my heart right out. He asks nothing else, but to be loved unconditionally, and to be allowed to return that affection and love a thousand fold. Sometimes, in the deep of night's darkness, I find myself not being able to express in words how much I love him, how much I need the comfort and companionship that he provides, and just how perfect he is to my eyes. I guess that is why those who are older, tend toward living longer, when they have a pet, someone to love, and be loved by, someone to take care of, and to be taken care of, in the way only a cute cat, dog, or wombat can do.
I have such a fucking headache! It is of course self imposed. So, I have no one to blame but myself. And that too worries me. This relationship that I have with vodka. I expressed to a friend recently, how I had seen so many people that I love or have had deep affection for, be destroyed by alcohol and drugs. I do not want anyone I know to be able to say that of me. I know in times past, it has been the thing I have turned to, when all communication with those closest to me has disappeared, or been stifled. I do not want to live that way. I have too much to accomplish in this world, to allow my potential, my power to create, to be destroyed by something external, that I internalize. I seem to use it to quote, "take the edge off, or give wings to my creativity". But, really it is so I 'feel' like I am better able to deal with whatever stressors are present in my life. I wish to never 'need' to drink, ever again. I mean, I can take it or leave it, but, what scares me is, that if the opportunity presents itself, I most often take it.
There are places in my heart and mind that I would imagine that not another living soul shall see. And yet, there are others that I would be more than happy to share, if only I had the opportunity to do so. Maybe someday soon, I will begin to write out the story of my life. I mean having your first wife taken away by an evangelist, who came to town to preach the gospel of Christ, only to escape with the one who vowed " I do, I will", has got to spark some interest in some reader out there. Right? I don't know, maybe I am wrong. Maybe no one will give a flying fart in space about the circumstances of my life. People only want to hear about drama if they can see themselves as being in a better, safer situation. Or maybe there will be some who can empathize. I only know that now is my time, now is my time to travel, to see this world, to find Her, and to live life right up to the edges.
I wrote this poem this afternoon, and reread it tonight, wondering who had written it. And upon realizing that it was me, I marveled at the way God moves in my life sometimes. For such an outpouring of love and truth of spirit, could have only come from the Foundation, from the Source of Love.
Here it is....
But as you are ...I will see you
I can not fly, if you do not set me free.
I will not love without you.
I am all of me, and none of you.
and you are all of me, and nothing else.
I find you where you are, and nothing more is possible,
For in you, we are completed.
Your life, my hope, your need, my desire...
All will be fulfilled in this moment in time.
In the next measure...there may be empty drama,
But, with the eyes of Love, we both see the futility of strife.
I love you now, and ever after shall.
You need not joke, game, connive, or cajole.
Agape Love this is.
So, there are not conditions, there will not be tempered givings.
The only reality, toward which your desire need bend,
Is that of my devotion, baptism in your love, and holy adoration.
In you, I found my Mind, Will, and Emotions completed.
I am ...You are..., and that is all that is needed.
None other exist.
Not now...not in a thousand today's.
I will, and you will,
Verily I say..that is all that matters.
SAE
Sometimes in the middle of the night, thoughts go rampaging through my heart and mind, like storm clouds in a summer sky. I think of all I want to do, all I want to be, everything I want to create, of those I love, and who I want to consider me with love in their eyes. I consider what I would like to put into certain endcaps at work, I think of the places I would love to travel to in this world. I think of how valuable it is to work, to stay in your own home, the place that you call home at the least.
I consider in my soul, how sometimes the best of conversations, the intercourse of words and thoughts shared with someone, can penetrate us deeper than sexual intercourse could ever hope to do. Or, maybe it is all part of the same spiritual experience. The communication between two, that merge into one, as their hearts, minds, will, and emotion, all connect, to make them know what it is to be plunged into reality, to be seen, heard, felt, known, and understood, within the span of a few moments. To know, and to be known. For is that not what we all seek in the end? Don't we all want others to see us, to know us, and to allow us to know them? We all want to love, and to be loved. We all want to be accepted for exactly who we are, exactly where we are, and not be asked to change, just loved unerringly.
That to me is what friends do. They love you to the point of a kind of madness. They need you, as you need them. They want you in their lives always, and you want them in yours. To be a true friend means never needing to ask if they will, if they could, do they want to, do they need money for, or when can they. Because the answer will always be Yes, anytime, anywhere, at any costs, I will be there for whatever you need, for as long as you need me, and the only currency that I require is you, your friendship, the commitment of your soul to mine. We two together are hidden from this world of change, turmoil, selfishness, pain, want, greed, and denial. We are separated from it, separated by love, desire, compassion, unending understanding, and the power of inextricably bound minds, hearts, and intentions. We are two in one. Where you see one, so shall the other be.
I think this why I have always been such strong friends with women. Because to love them as a friend, seems to take me deeper into them than merely being their lover. There are doors that a friend may enter that lovers are never led past. There are windows into hidden spaces, that friends are given the permission to penetrate, and lovers never know are there. But, I will say, that at some point in life soon, I need to find her again, this one, this woman, this love, this friend, my soul's longing, my soul's need. I am better when I am loving, and being loved. I am better when I have a purpose toward which my actions are focused. I am better when my emotions are set free, to live, to love, to plan, to purpose, to carry out, and to run rampant in the world. I need to be set free.
If you have read any of my life in the past year, you will know that this is a constant refrain. I seek her, only to be found. I want her, only so that I too may feel necessary. I am willing to give the salvation and control of my body to another, if only so that I may be saved from myself. There are many who imagine me mad. I think, that what they do not see is the crushing loneliness that I experience daily. I think that my intense reaction to attentions speaks of my need to care, and be cared about. I give, in hopes of receiving. I know it is so pathetic in some ways, to be screaming "look at me, look at me"! But, sometimes all I need is a smile, that universal balm, the one that unites, lifts up and enlivens the soul. I have had few friends in this life. And at the moment I do not really have any that I speak to on a daily basis. It used to be, that I had one good friend, and we did everything together. But, as we all know, as you mature, as peoples lives are taken over by marriages, children, work, responsibility, and 'Other' concerns, the ability to maintain such a friendship becomes nigh on impossible. We all grow apart, and move toward those that are our main concern. The thing is, there is nothing, and no one in my life for whom I need focus such concern. So, I need friends. I need people to call, people to do things with, just someone to hang out with. I need life. I need you.
In so many ways my cat, Mr. Mischief, is the love of my life. He makes me feel the deepest of emotions, simply by being exactly who, and what he is. There are times when he is sleeping on my bed with me, and comes to head butt me, or lick my face, purr into my ears, or simply express his desire to have me pet him, that reach into the depths of my emotional understanding, and rip my heart right out. He asks nothing else, but to be loved unconditionally, and to be allowed to return that affection and love a thousand fold. Sometimes, in the deep of night's darkness, I find myself not being able to express in words how much I love him, how much I need the comfort and companionship that he provides, and just how perfect he is to my eyes. I guess that is why those who are older, tend toward living longer, when they have a pet, someone to love, and be loved by, someone to take care of, and to be taken care of, in the way only a cute cat, dog, or wombat can do.
I have such a fucking headache! It is of course self imposed. So, I have no one to blame but myself. And that too worries me. This relationship that I have with vodka. I expressed to a friend recently, how I had seen so many people that I love or have had deep affection for, be destroyed by alcohol and drugs. I do not want anyone I know to be able to say that of me. I know in times past, it has been the thing I have turned to, when all communication with those closest to me has disappeared, or been stifled. I do not want to live that way. I have too much to accomplish in this world, to allow my potential, my power to create, to be destroyed by something external, that I internalize. I seem to use it to quote, "take the edge off, or give wings to my creativity". But, really it is so I 'feel' like I am better able to deal with whatever stressors are present in my life. I wish to never 'need' to drink, ever again. I mean, I can take it or leave it, but, what scares me is, that if the opportunity presents itself, I most often take it.
There are places in my heart and mind that I would imagine that not another living soul shall see. And yet, there are others that I would be more than happy to share, if only I had the opportunity to do so. Maybe someday soon, I will begin to write out the story of my life. I mean having your first wife taken away by an evangelist, who came to town to preach the gospel of Christ, only to escape with the one who vowed " I do, I will", has got to spark some interest in some reader out there. Right? I don't know, maybe I am wrong. Maybe no one will give a flying fart in space about the circumstances of my life. People only want to hear about drama if they can see themselves as being in a better, safer situation. Or maybe there will be some who can empathize. I only know that now is my time, now is my time to travel, to see this world, to find Her, and to live life right up to the edges.
I wrote this poem this afternoon, and reread it tonight, wondering who had written it. And upon realizing that it was me, I marveled at the way God moves in my life sometimes. For such an outpouring of love and truth of spirit, could have only come from the Foundation, from the Source of Love.
Here it is....
But as you are ...I will see you
I can not fly, if you do not set me free.
I will not love without you.
I am all of me, and none of you.
and you are all of me, and nothing else.
I find you where you are, and nothing more is possible,
For in you, we are completed.
Your life, my hope, your need, my desire...
All will be fulfilled in this moment in time.
In the next measure...there may be empty drama,
But, with the eyes of Love, we both see the futility of strife.
I love you now, and ever after shall.
You need not joke, game, connive, or cajole.
Agape Love this is.
So, there are not conditions, there will not be tempered givings.
The only reality, toward which your desire need bend,
Is that of my devotion, baptism in your love, and holy adoration.
In you, I found my Mind, Will, and Emotions completed.
I am ...You are..., and that is all that is needed.
None other exist.
Not now...not in a thousand today's.
I will, and you will,
Verily I say..that is all that matters.
SAE