caetano

New Life WANTED!

I am going crazy.,I just want to get the fuck out. I need to be on my own, I am so tired of this situation. I hate living in a smelly house, being stuck in one room in the entirety of the apartment, and just feeling like I am living in a Ghetto Old Womans House. I know my life will be what I make of it. I feel like the obstacles in my way all have to do with this underlying sense of guilt and responsibility. I just need to clean up my life. And I know we all lead our lives in whatever direction they go in, by the decisions that we make. We have no one else to look to for the reason our lives are the way they are. I am trying to get back into school, to decide what direction to go in, whether it is going to be Architecture or Culinary school. Which ever it will be, it needs to be soon.

I feel so fucking tired today. My body is under siege from nausea and ache demons. I had to, chose to, whatever, walk home last night, and that took about 2 hours. And this was after having been on my feet for 8 hours plus, helping customers in the store. When I arrived home I was thrashed. There was not anything palpable to eat, the cupboards are bare. I need to fit food into my budget. Right now it consists of Rent, Technology, Storage, Credit accounts, and Medical bills. I love my life, I love my life, I love my life. Maybe if I tell myself that enough I will start to believe it. My breakfast is consisting of a monstrously large cup of Jo Java Mudd. And I fear there shall be little else following in its wake until late, much much later. That will probably be eggs and pasta with a lovely Ketchup sauce. Mmmmmm, doesn't that sound good? I would not even fucking care, except I have a 63 year old ball of guilt in the living room, who is in mourning because her soda is flat.

I NEED MY OWN FUCKING LIFE!!!!!! Yeah yeah, shut up, I know I am ranting for no real reason. I am the one who chose to be in this situation, and for all intents and purposes chooses to stay here. I wish my brothers and sisters would, in the words of my little sister Michelle, Step Up, and take responsibility for their mother. She is not mine to shoulder alone. We all sprang from her womb. So, in my estimation it is about fucking time we all talked, and figured out what the hell to do about where mom is going to live, and how she will survive.

I need to move on. I need to go back to school. I need to have the possibility of having romance in my life, and in having an adult relationship with someone. I want so much more out of my life than I am experiencing right now. And yes, I realize the only one who is going to get it for me is me. So, watch for updates as the months roll along. You may be hearing from me in a different part of the united states or even the world. It is time to clean, organize, throw away, get in shape, explore, jump into, and just plain live this gift of a life that I have been given.


This is my new phone, and I love it. It is too fucking sexy for words......