caetano

The chronicles of a knuckle head. And that would be me. When? When can I just move my life forward? When can I have my own place? When will Katy come over for .whatever? I need friends. I do not think she gets that. I think she thinks it means more than it does. I just want to get to know her. I have done since I first met her. She seems so much more alive and interesting than she allows herself to display when she is at work. I know that she has the soul of a poet. I know that since she and I share the same birthday, there is fire in her spirit. She can not hide it from me. I see it in her movements, I see it in her eyes, I feel it in her laughter. I know that she and I could be fast friends. If she allows it to happen that is. I guess only time will tell.

I want it all. I see it. I know it will happen. I just have to stick to the plan. I want to buy a motorcycle soon. I want to go on a road trip. I can not wait for my mother to go to California again. I have to start setting up more appointments to look at apartments. I know where I want to live. It is all a matter of finding out what I need to do to get in there. I have so many parts of it planned out already. From my Moroccan themed living room to my platform bed and the squish eye pillows that I will coze into. I want it, and I want it Now! I want to cook, invite friends over, invite in love and lovemaking, have crazy Sunday afternoons, wild Wednesdays, and live like I am going to be dead by morning. I will study my ass off, cuddle my cat, make sweet smelling sauce that you will desire to lick off the plate, and generally grasp for and attain all that I have ever dreamt of.

Worlds away, and yet within my very circle of possibility.


I keep realizing more and more. I need friends that I can call up and say "Hey, do you wanna come over, and them say sure". I do not have that. Everything in my life is designed to keep me shouting "Hey look at me, look at how lonely I am" I do it to myself, and I know I do. I need love, unquenchable, unstoppable, irreversible, requited love. I need it from my friends, from my lovers (if I ever have any again that is), from life, and most importantly, from myself. I, like everyone, need to feel necessary. I need to feel like I matter to someone out there. But, I also want to be the breath of life to someone. I want to know that their day can not begin or end without me in it. I need to know that in order for them to feel like life is worth living, they need to have me there, right there, with them. I want it. And in time, with God's help and the universe's grace, I will be baptized in it once again. I want it from them, and I want to give it to them.

First I have to get my life started. I have to reach out and take that life I see before me. I need to bite it in the ass and not let go. I need to hold on for all I am worth and let life carry me over the horizon, to the life I have yet to look upon. Fuck you if you think my words, sentiments and musing are all so clich. It is where my heart is at, and that is that. I need to put up my mind and do what I gotta do, and that's all Ehh!

Asia Argento is so powerful I can hardly even look at her